Away

4 posts
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Gender None specified
Points 1122
Reviews 150
This is just a one-time thingy I wrote in the spur of the moment. I read a paper on girls that are abused, so I wrote this in honor of it. It's a blank verse poem that has to do with a story I'm writing called Ashes, Ashes, about a girl that deals with that kind of evil.. It's nothing really important, but I like it. Feel free to critique.
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My teeth are chattering.
It’s cold, but still I stay outside.
I don’t care if something falls off,
like my nose.
I don’t want to go inside.
Something terrible will happen
if I do.

“Lucy,” he calls.
I shiver even more, but not from
cold.
“Come inside. You must be
freezing.”
He wants to warm me up.

I ignore him, fear making my fingers
tingle, or maybe that’s just the
frigid air searing my nerve
endings.

I’m scared. I always am.
What if he gets mad
because I’m not listening?
I’ll pay for this, I know it.
But I can’t help running
from
the
inevitable.

And I can’t help feeling
that it’s inevitable,
because he yells this time,
not calls.
“Lucy! Inside, now!”

There’s a safe place I can go,
I know it.
I know that I can be myself there,
that people won’t judge
and I can sleep safe, but
not without nightmares.

I know that I can leave.
My birthday was two days ago,
and he forgot because
he just does that.

And just because
the state says
I’m not legal,
I am, because I’ll go
where I want, when I want.

That thought satisfies me.
But even though it starts a fire
of anger,
it doesn’t quail the fear of
that
man.

“Lucy! Get in here, now!”

So you can get what you want,
and give me what I don’t?
So you can have the chance
to make me sick to my stomach?
So you can feel satisfied
when I ask you to stop
and you don’t?

“No, thanks,” I say, and turn
and run.

My voice was not strong.
It was weak and fearful.
But the words did what they
were meant to do.
He’s angry, but I’m
running
running
running.

I’ll be safe,
even if it’s only for
a few hours.
Safe is safe.
I’m still close,
but I’m far enough away.

And I’m running
running
running.

Away.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 6
I really liked it and the fact that you handled a difficult theme well.

It would have been more in-depth or better paced if there was a definite meter throughout the poem, but the instability of the poem itself fitted nicely also.

Overall, I though it was impressionable poem for me, personally, and anyone else who would read it. :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 76
I liked it, i wanted to know more about what had happened to her and why she was running, i sort of know what is going on but its still a bit confusing. why is she illegal? is she an immigrant? i did like the poem but it didnt flow very well, you finnished sentences on the next line when it should of flowed but it didnt, it would have flowed nicely if it was put in the story catagory and it wasnt in a poem style but i didnt think it worked well as a poem
i really liked it though, i felt her fear and her emotions, it was great :D
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 13
Blank verse is unrhymed iambic pentameter, unless the definition has changed without my knowing it. :]] I think a better description for "Away" would be free verse. Inspiration can come from a variety of sources and I think you do very well describing your subject here. The only thing I don't understand is why she is illegal? That seemed to infer there are two issues going on here, abuse and illegal immigrants. I like the idea of this, and you do a good job in evoking emotion. :]
Edit: On a third reading I think you mean not a legal adult... eh?



Time is not your best friend - unless you use it wisely.
— Marco Pierre White