Errors With A Twist Of Comedy

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
A well planned shoot-out had to be executed at New York City. Jonathan Pitcher, a novice in this field is also working under the gang. This was Jonathan’s first experience in such a kind of dangerous plan. Being new to the gang, he had recently learned the rules and regulations!

He was instructed to reach the New York Central Park, sharp at 11:30 p.m. He did as he was told and saw not a single soul except an old man sitting in black overalls. Sure that he was his man; he went and sat down beside him.

In a murmur and without turning his face towards the man, he asked in a hoarse whisper, “Have you got it?” The man did not reply but got up and kept a brown parcel on his vacant seat and stealthily walked away!

Jonathan was rejoicing over completing his first and the most important task of his life! He was surprised a bit that the package with 3 automatic pistols could be so heavy but he walked fast with the intention to open the parcel in the security of his home.

He closed the doors and put blinds on his windows as soon as he reached home. Then with too much excitement in him…he opened the parcel. Out came a pistol…. but it was only one! “Maybe this is a really good one”, he thought and decided to check it. Sure that there wasn’t a bullet, he turned it towards his face and pushed the trigger! And bam…….a fountain of water sprouted on his face making him all wet! At last he came to his wits and understood that this was a …a…a…toy pistol!

As he walked away, Mr. Davidson, the old man, was extremely jubilant. His mind was at peace thinking that his parcel of the Christmas gift must have reached Merlyn, his granddaughter. Merlyn lived in a hostel which was a bit far. Mr. Davidson’s health didn’t allow him to visit her so he decided to send her Christmas gift through somebody who lived near the hostel. He had asked Merlyn to send a messenger so that he could give the toy gun to her. And this is what he thought he had done!

Poor Mr. Davidson! I am not sure if the parcel of pistol reached Merlyn or not…but I wouldn’t like to know! I wouldn’t like to hear that Merlyn was crying and Jonathan was fired from his new job on Christmas day!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1190
Reviews 64
You seem new to the site. Salutations!

Hey, I'm Syte. Looks like I get the first review :)

First of all, there's this rule in YWS. It's a quota that needs to be met for works you submit. The quotaint is 2 reviews per a submission. I would suggest you get your two reviews now, and get two more reviews after that before you submit some more work.

Being new to the gang, he had recently learned the rules and regulations!

Why's there an exclaimation mark? That's not exciting.

Sure that there wasn't a bullet, he turned it towards his face and pushed the trigger!
Even if it seems unlikely that there isn't a bullet, there's no good reason to do this. This a really dumb thing to do. And again, I don't think the exclaimation mark is necessary. Save it for sentences with emotional and personal content. Pushing the trigger is mechanical content.

He had asked Merlyn to send a messenger so that he could give the toy gun to her. And this is what he thought he had done!
Yeah, we know. There's no point in restating something in fiction.

When I first saw the story, I thought it would be too short to be satisfying. I must say now that the conclusion is pretty good.

Um, how the hell is this fantasy?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
Hi Syte, glad to meet you :)

As you rightly said, I'm very new here. Learning the rules too slowly. I'll be reviewing before submitting new work.

As regard to the story, I'm sorry that I didn't post it to the right category - not fiction!! As you see, I'm overusing punctuations, specially exclamation marks, even though I know that. Trying to restrict.

Thank you for the points you raised and I'm sure to try and improve upon in my next one. All you said are very correct. Glad to know that you liked the story. Thanks again for the advices.



Courage, my soul! Now learn to wield the weight of thine immortal shield...
— Andrew Marvell