Beautiful Stranger

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This is a scene from a book i am writing, about a girl who has grown up in the human country and she has ran away from home, after finding out that her witch mother abandoned her and her older brother Markus when they were babies. After months of stalkers, no food and theft, Eevie, the girl, is close to death and she realises that she can not carry on like this, she needs help. Hope you like it - apologize for spelling mistakes!!


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Eevie ran through the dense trees, her stomach in agony and tears spilling out of her eyes. Sharp prickly branches tore her dirty clothes, scratched her arms and face, and roots made her trip and stumble as she ran for her life, just wanting to get away from those cold eyes that she had seen when that arrow had flown through the trees strait into her just a few months before. She didn't stop, even though she knew she couldn't go on for much longer, her body aking and screaming out in pain, demanding a proper meal and water. But she had not eaten properly for so long that she had almost forgotten what it was like to swallow anything. After half an hour, she began to slow down, and then she stopped, leaning heavily against a tree trunk to gasp for air and close her stinging eyes. Blood trickled down through her hair and onto her forehead, and she slowly lifted her hand and wiped it away before it could drip into her eyes. Her head was pounding, dizzy, and she thought she was going to be sick, even though her stomach was screwed up inside of her, nothing in their but acid and wounds that were not fully healed yet.
She slowly opened her eyes, but groaned and closed them tight again, the trees around her spinning horribly. She still was breathing hard, like her lungs were close to collapse. How did I get here... she thought. How did I get here...
Then she collapsed, the world around her going dark, sliding down the rough trunk and crumpling at it's feet.
It seemed like hours later, days, weeks, years... She drifted in and out of consciousness, confused at where she was, staring up into the forest branches that hung over her so high up, but before she could think anything but of how much pain she was in she would drift off again, glad for the sleep to overwhelm her and make her forget. Every time she woke up, she wished to fall back again, her back in agony and her legs twitching in pain, her head spinning so she tried never to open her eyes. It began to grow dark around her, the forest as silent as ever, so still, like the trees were watching over her protectively and trying not to make a sound so they wouldn't scare her. Soon the stars could be seen through the leaves, moonlight pouring across the forest floor and shimmering in beams down from the sky, through the branches. But Eevie slept on, in the deepest sleep she had had since leaving her home all those months ago, the blood dripping through her hair and onto the ground, a small pool growing and growing as she lost more blood, but she slept on, in a dreamless, wonderful sleep that she never wanted to wake from. Her heart began to slow, thudding, taking longer, her breathing barely anything, her mind completely dead, her body getting colder and colder. She was sinking further and further into darkness, and inside her mind Eevie began to realise what was happening, a small thought breaking through the barriers. You can't stay here, you can't stay here forever... Eevie began to panic, dreams of walking forever in darkness haunting her deep strange sleep. She felt herself panic, dizzy in her dreams, and wanted to wake but couldn't find the energy or strength. What was the point? What was she going to do when she woke? Carry on dying, like she had been doing? Or just keep sleeping, letting the numbness wash over her until she didn't breath again. A sudden terrifying thought then pierced her mind. Markus. She couldn't leave him. He needed her, and she couldn't imagine life without him, or Midni or Dayona. There was some small hope that they could pull through, but then the thought of endless sleep seemed so easy... she could lie on the forest floor forever, sinking into the earth and becoming the soil, disappearing as if she had never existed...
Something then began to happen to her, a strange feeling that she never thought she would feel again. Someone was holding her hand. She began to realise that she still had a body, not just her sleepy mind that was floating somewhere far away, that she was still attached to her body that was lying heavily on the ground. Pain began to creep back to her, terrible aking pain, and she knew now that there was no going back to the dark thoughts she had just had, she was officially alive. She could feel her heart beating, still very slowly, but still beating. Then a new feeling came, something was resting gently against her chest, and she blearily opened one eye, which took so much terrible effort that she found it very difficult, and saw a beautiful face by hers. It was a young man, putting his ear to her and listening for a heartbeat. He was so beautiful that Eevie's mind went blank, her eyes now fully open and staring at his face. He had a wonderfully kind face, pale, and he looked in his late teens. His eyes were blue, a bright beautiful blue, and his hair was black that looked damp, as if he had ran through rain. He looked very upset, shaken, and he was peering at Eevie, not noticing that she was looking at him through her eyelashes.
He stroked her cheek with his soft hand, making her shiver. He noticed, and lent in closer, looking at her face curiously. She breathed in, having just realised that she was holding her breath without meaning to, and a flicker of a smile appeared on his lips, his face full of relief.
"What's happened to you?" he whispered to himself, having still not noticed that she was staring at him, awake. She wanted to open her mouth, but it was clamped shut, her lips stuck together because they were so dry with thirst, and when she opened her eyes wider she quickly shut them again, as they were stinging horribly and aking, her head still dizzy and egsausted.
He lent over her and saw the blood in her hair, and his face went even paler than it already was. Her touched her head where it was bleeding and she quietly groaned in pain without opening her mouth, and he quickly withdrew his hand, worry in his beautiful heavenly eyes.
"Where else does it hurt," he asked softly, leaning in so he could speak close to her ear. Eevie opened her eyes and her mouth, so she could breath more deeply, and lied in almost a whisper "just my head,"
He nodded, but saw that her body was twitching slightly, her arms and legs. He saw her thinness and said "How did you come here?"
Eevie had to close her eyes again, her head spinning. She tilted her head in his direction, and said softly "I walked here,"
"You cant have done" the man said, shock on his face "It that why your in this mess? You walked all the way here?"
Eevie nodded, but pain seered through her head and he touched her forehead, whispering "don't,"
Eevie suddenly realised how cold she was, and shivered again, and she couldn't stop, her body trembling with exhaustion and chills.
"Ive got to get you out of here," the man said "can you walk?"
"yes," Eevie said, not wanting to be carried. She slowly sat up, her body screaming out so a tear rolled down her cheek, her face going white with the effort of moving. The young man quickly saw this and put his arm out, so she could fall back on it.
"I don't think you can," he said.
"just give me a minute," Eevie whispered, keeping her eyes closed and trying to keep the agony out of her voice.
"No. I'm carrying you," and he slowly and ever so gracefully scooped her up in his arms, and she gasped in pain and shock. He looked into her eyes and said "You weigh hardly anything,"
"I haven't eaten in so long..." she said, her stomach in awful twisted nots. He nodded and said softly "I'll take care of you,"
He then moved slowly through the trees, moonlight lighting the way and the stars to guide him. He moved quietly, softly, like he was used to moving through the wilderness without making a sound. Eevie clung onto his neck with all the strength she had, afraid that she might fall, but after a while she felt safe in his arms, no longer afraid of what will happen to her. He smelled like the forest, a delicate smell that made her feel even safer. He gave her an encouraging smile, and she felt her heart quicken at how beautiful his smile was. Then she fell asleep again, so weak and egsausted that she just closed her eyes and sighed, her arms going limp that were around his neck so they fell beside her. But it was a more natural sleep than the last time, a dreamless sleep.
xxx




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I am proud to be the first person to review your awesome story.
Down to business.
It's very good; there was description, it flowed well, blah, blah, blah.
However, me being the spelling freak I am, I must correct some misspelled words. But since I'm an American, my words might be spelled differently than yours. Oh well.
straight, not strait.
exhausted, not egsausted.
I can't find any others.
Good job.
Write more, I want to read it.




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OK.. in this crit I will give you the truth and nothing but the truth:

first the compliments: Great idea. A lot of text is always good. Good description. Good dialogue and story line.

now I shall move on to the second part:
YOU OVER USED THE WORD: DIZZY. You even put the word in places that it did not belong to...:

Her head was pounding, dizzy, and she thought she was going to be sick, even though her stomach was screwed up inside of her, nothing in their but acid and wounds that were not fully healed yet.


Here you could have not put it or just added a few word to it... to make it sound better (smarter).

even though her stomach was screwed up inside of her, nothing in their but acid and wounds that were not fully healed yet.


Do you mean "there"?

you could also think of replacing the xxxxxxxxxxx with **************.

I would have wanted a bit more description in some points and a bit less description in some. because now the story was not all so balanced.

other wise it was a great.. And I also mean great story :D

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LORD ANZIUS WÙZ HERE :smt029 WITH HIS BODY GUARDS :smt027 :smt079 :smt072 AND MUSICIANS :smt035

BE AFFRAID :smt074
To copy reality is good... But to create reality is much, much better.
-Giuseppe Verdi-




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Ok, first off, I think this needs a LOT more short sentences. 'Cause right now, it's like trying to read the Lord of the Rings.

until she didn't breath again


Should be "breathe." That's about it.
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

"You can be an author if you learn to paint pictures with words."
Brian Jacques




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:D well it was only my first try! i know my spelling is rubbish... and my sentences are VERY long, but i think i did ok my first try :D thanks for your comments, i will take your advise and use it! :)
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts



Not many will ever really understand you / That doesn't mean you aren't worth understanding
— Quillfeather