Letters of the Distressed

Hey. I've been posting a lot recently, but I'm glad that my writer's block is finally over. This is something new and fresh that I thought of tonight. I do plan on continuing it, because it's so addicting to write.

-

Percy,

I had to run to the store to get some milk and flour for Jacob’s birthday cake. I’ll be back in about an hour – I’m probably going to drop by Mom and Dad’s to pick that book they have.
I’ll be back soon. Thanks for that amazing night, last night.

Holly

*

FROM: jonbarber.lapd@yahoo.com
TO: Perciville Forester percy_hank_forester83@gmail.com
SUBJECT: RE:FWD: Holly Forester is missing

I appreciate you forwarding me Mrs. Forester’s note she left. After our discussion at the L.A.P.D., I am sorry to tell you that no trace of your wife has been accounted for. We are searching, Mr. Forester.
I will, personally, send you every credible detail of her search as I receive it. Thank you for reporting her. I will get back to you as soon as possible.

--------------------------------------------

FROM: Perciville Forester percy_hank_forester83@gmail.com
TO: jonbarber.lapd@yahoo.com
SUBJECT: FWD: Holly Forester is missing

Thank you so much for sending a search party for my wife. Please, please, please keep me updated on everything about the search. I’ve gone to my in-laws (in the note, she says she will go there) and they haven’t seen her today. Here is that letter she left on the counter earlier this morning:

Percy,

I had to run to the store to get some milk and flour for Jacob’s birthday cake. I’ll be back in about an hour – I’m probably going to drop by Mom and Dad’s to pick that book they have.
I’ll be back soon. Thanks for that amazing night, last night.

Holly

*

Mr. Frankford,

It’s 10:21 am right now, and you’re in a meeting. Your secretary told me to put a note on your desk.
My wife’s gone missing. I am going to hurry straight home.
There has been another case of a woman going missing, Mr. Frankford. I fear the two are linked in some way. Please, call me when you get this message.

--Jon Barber

*

Holly: Hi. This is Holly Forester. Sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave your name, number, and a short message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.
Percy: Holly… pick up the phone. Please… where are you? Please, please, please call me back when you get this message. I’ve tried calling your cell six times. You won’t answer. Please. Pick up the phone. Please. Holly… Where are you? I need you. I need you back home. Please come home. Where are you? Where are –

*

UNREAD TXT FROM RACHEL W.: Hey. Have u seen Tori? I tried 2 call her, but no1 wud answer.

UNREAD TXT FROM LOGAN (REX): I haven’t seen her, but you should talk to her cousin. Isn’t she in your fifth period?

UNREAD TXT FROM RACHEL W.: Sierra is in my fifth. Thx. I’ll talk 2 to her then.

*

Jon—

I had to run to the grocery store, and then Suzanne, Kelsey, and I are hitting the movies. See you after work!

Love,

Debra

*

UNREAD TXT FROM RACHEL W.: U won’t believe it! This iz so scary!

UNREAD TXT FROM LOGAN (REX): What?

UNREAD TXT FROM RACHEL W.: Sierra said that there’s a big search party looking for Tori’s mom! That’s y she’s not here at school. Sierra said her mom went to the store and never came back!

INCOMING CALL FROM LOGAN (REX):

*

FROM: jonbarber.lapd@yahoo.com
TO: Perciville Forester percy_hank_forester83@gmail.com
SUBJECT: RE:RE:FWD: Holly Forester is missing

I am no longer speaking as an advisor. My wife has gone missing. She called me on the phone and said that she has been taken hostage. I could hear a gunshot in the background.
Please call me as soon as you read this email. I’ve tried to call you, but the line has been busy.

--Jon

--------------------------------------------

FROM: jonbarber.lapd@yahoo.com
TO: Perciville Forester percy_hank_forester83@gmail.com
SUBJECT: RE:FWD: Holly Forester is missing

I appreciate you forwarding me Mrs. Forester’s note she left. After our discussion at the L.A.P.D., I am sorry to tell you that no trace of your wife has been accounted for. We are searching, Mr. Forester.
I will, personally, send you every credible detail of her search as I receive it. Thank you for reporting her. I will get back to you as soon as possible.

--------------------------------------------

FROM: Perciville Forester percy_hank_forester83@gmail.com
TO: jonbarber.lapd@yahoo.com
SUBJECT: FWD: Holly Forester is missing

Thank you so much for sending a search party for my wife. Please, please, please keep me updated on everything about the search. I’ve gone to my in-laws (in the note, she says she will go there) and they haven’t seen her today. Here is that letter she left on the counter earlier this morning:

Percy,

I had to run to the store to get some milk and flour for Jacob’s birthday cake. I’ll be back in about an hour – I’m probably going to drop by Mom and Dad’s to pick that book they have.
I’ll be back soon. Thanks for that amazing night, last night.
Holly

Hey Jared!!

This was weird but it was good. The only problem I had was the repitition of E-mails between Percy and that other guy. I'm a little confused but I'm sure you know where you're going with this. Other than that I have no complaints. Sorry if I couldn't have been more of help. Keep Writing,
-Angel

This is a very interesting way to tell a story, Jared. It works very well too. Is there any particular reason that you repeated the first two messages at the end? Personally, that didn't seem to work for me. It felt, well, repetitive. Maybe consider some other communications between the LAPD detective and Jon. Perhaps even the first line of talk where Jon alerts the police to his wife's disappearance. Of course, all that is up to you in the end. As it is, this is a solid story, and a solid way of telling one too. Good luck with the rest of it.

I like the idea of this and I can see what you mean about it being addictive to write. There are so many ways you could go with it and I love pieces like that.

It's like a modern epistolary novel and I think if you could complete the whole thing like this it would be brilliant! Well done...PM me when you have any more!

Jaaaared!

Okay, so, I must agree--this format, though it's hard to pull off, you did extremely well. I love it. It keeps things clipping along at a nice pace, and also relies on the reader to draw their own conclusions, rather than you telling us what happened. Since not a whole lot of plot has passed, there were only a few style things that I noticed:

- The e-mail addresses aren't professional. If someone works for a public service--especially the L.A.P.D., which is very high profile--you'd have your own server. For example, our chief of police is tcasady@lincoln.ne.gov. Also, because there are hundreds of movies made about the L.A.P.D., you might want to make up a town or use someone in a smaller place. That way, the police guys would be better able to keep up their promise of sending along personal information. In cities like L.A. with high crime rates, it's tough to make a promise like that when there are bigger and badder crimes to attend to.

- The texting sounded really awkward, mainly because you chose to use "wud" but didn't take out the apostrophes. Don't overdo, and if you're going to do, do it right.

- The repetition of the message was kind of awkward. Not everyone is going to read who he is sending it to, so repeating the message over and over again doesn't serve much of a purpose.

Write more, dood.

Okay. This was good. Definately a different writing style, but effective and solid as Conrad pointed out. It's one of those peices I hate to read because you leave nothing for me to actually critisize, either due to a sparse writing style or because it's just really well executed. Pretty much the only advice I have for you is to listen to Sam-dear. She pointed out everything that I had problems with, especially the email addresses themselves. But that can easily be changed.

So, just to so I comprenday, this story is about a kidnapper who has snatched the wife of a LAPD officer and a regular joe-shmoe? I assume that you will add more to this? If not, I'm sure it was a good writing exercise, a nice distraction from a routine.

Also, I understand why you repeated the messages at the end there (following the authentic email thread) and I think it works. I like it quite a bit, especially if this is a standalone piece. So I wouldn't change it.

Anyway, I look forward to more and/or more Seance!

-Kylan

So, just to so I comprenday, this story is about a kidnapper who has snatched the wife of a LAPD officer and a regular joe-shmoe? I assume that you will add more to this? If not, I'm sure it was a good writing exercise, a nice distraction from a routine.

Yes, you got the storyline correct. And of course, I'll be writing more. And hopefully some more Séance too, if I can think of a good storyline for #5. Well, thanks, Kylan, and everyone else who was majorly awesome and decided to critique it!

-Jared

Hey BBB! (I mean, Jared.)

Okay. So I liked this. I agree with basically everyone above me. The style is very interesting, I was glued. It's also hard to critique because, well, there's nothing I can critique.

I loved the repetition. I agree with Kylan: at the end, it worked so well. It really made me suspect the husband... which is weird. Like, the final note. I think that it fit wonderfully in the end because it made me doubt its credibility. Which is good.

So, I liked it... but you know, I didn't lurvvve it.

...Well, I just read through all the other critiques, and I'm kinda confused. Some of your critiquers - Sam and Kylan - are amazing and know, well, just about everything. I always agree with them, and typically avoid stories they read because I'm just echoing them.

But today... I don't.

I didn't like this too much.

- Texting: I don't think you have many non-writing friends, Jare, because you didn't do this very well. Ditch nearly all the punctuation - the only type I ever see used is an exclamation point or question mark - and don't overdo it. People don't say 'iz' or 'is'.

Also, you went too far the other way, too. 'Sierra is in my fifth' sounded strange - this girl was saying 'wud' to save time, but now she has time to repeat what he said? It was either an obvious slip-in of a name, or you didn't realize you were doing it.

Even Logan bothered me. You know me - I'm good about grammar and punctuation and all that jazz. But when I'm texting, especially when trying to hide from a teacher like he's doing, I don't bother with too much punctuation or resetting it so the next letter is capital. I spell things correctly, but I don't text the way I IM.

I don't know who you text, but text the people in the lower English level classes - they'll typically use the poor spellings.

(Oh, and why are they unread? They responded, so they have to have been read.)

- Fast Paced: This is what killed it for me, and the reason I decided to actually critique this.

Look at your actual word count Jare. I was bored (and every second I spend on this is one less on homework XD) and took out all your extra words - the headings for the e-mails and the stars and such. The things you need for your story but don't do anything for it. Guess how many words?

548.

That's not that a lot, Jare. Especially with the information you threw at us - two wives missing, kid staying home from school, contacting one person and hearing gunshots - it's an overload.

I'm being jerked around here. Slow down a bit - let me get used to something and relax. I need some breathing time.

Ooers! Go read this. Snoinkums wrote it, and it's perfect for you. Boring Is Good!

Read it, learn it, love it. xD

I think you should start writing in smaller fonts, Jare. Size 10, Veranda, double space between paragraphs, single with the rest. Try it - you'll write more. 'cause I've seen your text, and it looks like a lot, but when I transfer it to mine it's hardly a page.

You're like the little kids who don't want to do an assignment so they write big with huge spaces and double space everything. xD

- Reactions: So, say you're married to this amazing woman, okay? The love of your life. And she goes missing.

So you're working at the police station. (I'm guessing here - it's unclear where he was or whom he was writing a note to.) You're desperate to find your wife. Your nerves are all tensed, your freaking out, what have you. You write:

I am going to hurry straight home.

If I were trying to find suspects, you'd be right up there on my list.

(Read it out loud or it doesn't have the same effect.) Really, who writes that? It's calm and rational and time-consuming. The guy just lost his wife and he's this relaxed? Nuh-uh - no way.

Same with the e-mails. 'Here is the letter...' It's so... formal. And I think you're just doing it because they're adults, and you don't know how else to make them sound like adults? But guess what?

Anyone can sound like that.

So drop the formal tone, Jare, and go listen to some freaking out adults. Hang around the police station (you may want to explain that you're a writer first, so they don't arrest you xD) and watch the people who go through. Angry drunks, scared and abused spouses, worried parents. Really, a few hours there and you'll have voices echoing around your head, perfect for your characters. And maybe some more plots, too. xD (Oh, and you can always ask them more information on this stuff - how they'd proceed and such. The Internet lies about the police work, so. )

- Make It Memorable: Right now, none of your characters stick out in my mind. And that's not good. I know some wife slept with her husband the night before then went missing. I know two kids texted about some other kid. I know two guys were e-mailing each other about their missing wives. But if you asked me to tell you any of their names, or write something the way they could, I wouldn't be able to do it. And that's not good, especially since this whole thing is made up of their words, not the narrator's. I should have their voices ringing in my head when I'm done. Heck, that's half the reason I love reading so much - I love having them remain in my mind for weeks to come. It's amazing, and insanely hard to get. I think you've kind of gotten it with Fat Boy - or maybe that's just your own voice shining through - and you definitely got it with Dirt. But this? Not so much.

I know you say 'no dialogue', but I don't really see how that's all that different than texting. I say add some dialogue - give them a phone call - and let their true voice stick out. If not that, give us more time with each character. Let us get to know them.

I'm assuming you know the basic chart.... thing for writing? xD Well, in case you don't, here it is:



But yours is this:



See the difference? The introduction in yours is non-existent, and then the rising action gives us no breaks. The rest is gone for the moment, so you better be continuing, mister.

Yes, jumping right into the action is good. But jumping right into the action, and then more action, and then more action? Way too much - give us some breathing time!

I could care less if all these characters went missing right now, because I don't know them. None of them. At all! So let me get to know them. Let me see the man calm at home, then see the message and freak out. (Maybe he's IMing someone? Calm and collected, goes to get water, sees the note, is like 'oh, yeah, my wife's gone for an hour or so....' Next day, IMing again, worried. Friend tells him to go to the police office. Ooers! And you can have a form they fill out be in it? Dunno if it'd be good at all, but don't they always make you fill out forms when you go to the police? Yeah, like with what happened. They made me do that with T and the YouTube thing, remember? I told everything about what happened on that form. You can ask a police officer for one - they'd probably give you one.)

Just build things up slower. Let us see the man before he freaks. Let the investigation go along a bit before the second wife goes missing. Stuff like that.

- Believability: *Points to Sam* I echo the whole LAPD thing. Really, the one officer he e-mails has his wife go missing too? And he was going to give him personal updates? Nope. Make it a smaller town. Like, 1,000 people. Real cozy. That'd suit this perfectly, 'specially with people getting suspicious about why kids aren't in school. If someone here's gone, no one notices. If someone happens to, they get distracted and forget the next second.

And some of this just feels... fake. Like the way the investigation was going, and how the man left a note to Mr. Frankford, and how soon the guy went to the police. (You didn't show how long and it felt like not much time when you're required to wait a bit.) Brush up on your facts a bit, try to make this more 'by the books.'

- Last Notes: *Looks at critique* O.o Yeah... I've been away from critiquing too long.

Haha, I'm sorry Jare. I love you to pieces, and even smaller pieces after that, but I didn't like this that much so all my pent up critiquing energy came out on it. Feel free to ignore me or ask me for a quick summary, rather than reading it all. xD

It has potential. Good idea, good plot, possibility for good characters once developed. Just work on it a bit and it'll be as great as Fat Boy.

(Ooers - any blog entries gonna be in here?)

*Hugs* You'll probably hate me for this critique, but it felt amazing to write, so thank you! And I'm expecting to see more of this soon.

PM me for anything.

*Sighs* Off to do my homework.

~JFW1415

EDIT: This gave me my first blue star!!! Yay! *Cheers*

I kept meaning to critique this, but I only just now have gotten time to do it. I wish my critique could be as good as some of the others, but it can't. This is just too good.

I understand the repetition of the emails (it's like in Hotmail, right, where you can scroll down and you see all the other messages?), but it's dd. I would get rid of them, because it confuses the story a little.

As Sam said, the email addresses are very un-professional. I would change them, especially the police officer's.

Your texting was okay, but if you want it to be properly life-like, you've made some dire errors.

UNREAD TXT FROM RACHEL W.: Hey. Have u seen Tori? I tried 2 call her, but no1 wud answer.

UNREAD TXT FROM LOGAN (REX): I haven’t seen her, but you should talk to her cousin. Isn’t she in your fifth period?

UNREAD TXT FROM RACHEL W.: Sierra is in my fifth. Thx. I’ll talk 2 to her then.

Have=Hav

Haven't=Havnt

Isn't=Isnt

Cousin=Cuz

Hope I've been of some help. I don't really think you need to add more, I think this is a good little piece as it is, but if there is more, make sure you let me know so I can critique it!

I liked the concept but the story was confusing.The repition of the emails was what confused me the most. I read the story thoroughly, but I can't make heads or tails of what happened. If you kept the cocept and edited it some, it would be very good. Keep trying!

Thank you all for your wonderful comments.

Although, I fail to see how the repetition of the email can confuse you. Please explain, because I don't understand.

-Jared

Jared wrote:Thank you all for your wonderful comments.

Although, I fail to see how the repetition of the email can confuse you. Please explain, because I don't understand.

-Jared

It's confusing because it's not in the normal e-mail setting. We're seeing a story, not e-mails on separate pages. So while we do see the line breaks, we kinda ignore them, you know? Just continue reading. So they all merge together, and the repetition's like 'wait, what?' And while we can understand it, making up stop like that = bad.

Choc and Jare: Some people do text like that. Before people started texting me non-stop I did! So as long as Logan's consistent in his texting it's fine.

Hope that helped you a bit, Jare.

~JFW1415