Breaking Glasses

Go on! Say your goodbyes!
They are filled with promises and lies.

I can feel your wrath,
It takes just one breath.
I don't care what you say,
I mind my own way,
Through the park - so old
With the sky - so cold.

I`m tired of your eyes.
Everytime they watch my cries.

I gave you trust,
But you gave me stardust.
You dragged me through hell on my knees,
I yelled and cried "Please!"

But no...
I beg of you! Just go.

____________
My first poem

Nice poem. I'm not much of a poetry writer myself, but we had to do a lot of it in school once.

Go on! Say you goodbyes!

your

I can fell your wrath

I'm pretty sure you mean "feel"

They, everytime, watch my cries.

You might want to rephrase this. I might say, "Every time, they watch mine cry"

You dragged me through hell in my knees,

"on my knees"

Your rythm is a little undefined. try tapping your foot and saying the poem in rythym.

Good first poem. Much better than my first poems.

Keep writing!

-Sea-

Ahh. So you started poems now

Great. Great work (as always.)
Dramatic. Well written, all in all.

Continue the greát work.

***********************************************************************************************


LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE

Cheers, Anzius!

Did you know? This doesn't rhyme like a poem. This is more like a rock song.

Good work.

Go on! Say your goodbyes!

I don't know but the apostrophies doesn't seem to suit this.

I can feel your wrath,
It takes [s]just[/s] one breath.

I cut the 'just' as it doesn't flow well with verse.

I mind my own way,

This should be a period not a comma.

I`m tired of your eyes.
Everytime they watch my cries.

This should be 'watch me cry'

But you gave me stardust.

The 'stardust' part doesn't suit this.

But no...
I beg of you! Just go.

Maybe put, "Just let go"

I liked your poem, and as I told you I sang it like a rock song. Great work.

Well done.

haha ... Rock song you say? *giggle* maybe i`ll put it at the lyric stuffs

I love your imagination, word choice, passion, and feeling. You are, truly, a great writer.

If you are looking to edit or just to improve your next poem, try working on your rhythm - it didn't quite fit right, and that's distracting and irritating to a reader.

Great work -- you're amazing!!

-KK

i like it. for a very first poem, this is great. i very much like that it has a rhyme scheme, but at the same time, it's not a solid repetitive rhyme scheme, like shakespeare's iambic pentameter. (not that there is anything wrong with iambic pentameter. in fact i quite enjoy it myself). But yes, very very good first poem.