Not even a bit. I would be content to stay like that all day. Under my covers, all warm, within the dream I was having. I was in the perfect world, in the best school, with great friends and-
Perfect in what way?
Somehow, we made it out the door 3 minutes later, and then made a mad dash to school. We made it right before the bell. Don’t ask me how, but we did. That is pretty impressing, too, especially for me. Three blocks, three sets of stairs, one into the school and up two floors, and my driveway in two minutes.
This is inefficient. Why do we need to know how long it took them to do (insert task here) in x minutes?
“Cuttin’ it pretty close again, Takato. I still think your house adds a good mile to your walk,” I heard a soon as I got into the classroom.
Heard what?
My house was pretty big. My parents left it to me before they disappeared. I have no clue where they may have gone, nor have they talked to me in any shape or form for the last three years. They had a lot of money, so a month after I started seventh grade they put a bunch of money in a bank at told them to let me have so much a month. Not that I miss them that much. Since they were always traveling or working I had to mostly fend for myself anyway.
This is highly unrealistic. Firstly, is the character capable of living on her own? What valid reasons are there for her to be able to do that. Secondly, you are aware that if a person's parents went missing, they would normally seek help no? Who in their right minds would not seek help for such a big problem? Thirdly, I'm surprised the narrator's parents didn't hire a babysitter to look after her.
For example:
Policeman: “Hey kid, where’s your parents.”
Me: “ Oh, they kind of ran away on me three years ago.”
Get what I mean?
Bring.
I got up from my desk and headed towards the classroom door. On the way I passed Rena.
“I owe you one for this morning,” I said to her.
She turned to me, “It wasn’t a problem.”
“Yes it is. I’ve been sleeping in a lot lately and it’s making more work for you.”
“No, it isn’t, but you should try harder to wake up on time.”
Toji came up from behind me.
“You’re just too nice to him, Rena. You should just leave without him one day to teach him a lesson,” he said.
I second Kitty15, some bits follow the conventions of a script more than a novel. Do you know about the conventions of writing a novel?
When I went down the stairs I saw the guy run out the door that led to the courtyard – the one where all the girls eat. When I got out the door I saw bodies everywhere. I couldn’t tell weather they were asleep, knocked out, or, worse, all dead. I stared at them, still staggering forward. I started hyperventilating; fearing that whatever happened to them may happen to me. I felt woozy, not able to take the scene before me.
The tone changes from casual to serious rather quickly. It feels rushed; it's like it randomly just happened. This makes it unconvincing as a result.
“I don’t know,” she replied, attempting to sit, “everyone just fell!”
This is just ludicrous. Your piece already lacks realism due to weak characterisation and explanation, why keep going for unrealistic plot points? Seriously, would such an event occur in real life?
What follows after are lines of dialogue that just hangs there. There isn't anything to back it up with. Worse, there aren't any tags to it. This makes it rather hard to follow as I have no idea who is speaking. It's also so light that it doesn't hold any weight by itself so the reader would likely skip past it ( I know I did).
We talked for a few more hours, and then Rena had to leave. After she did, I walked into my room and hit the spacebar on my computer. I then sat down and clicked the desktop shortcut to the newest Massive Multiplayer Online game I’ve downloaded. I needed to get away. To blend myself among the crowd of thousands, sometimes millions, of people. To be someone else for a while.
Why mention that she plays an MMORPG when there wasn't any characterisation to back up that she's a gamer? Where is that gaming spirit in her?
Overall impressions:
My biggest concern isn't that it took you a month to edit, but of how unconvincing the piece is as a whole. I assume that you watch anime due to your username and your bio. I think that you need to start to develop a sense of what is realstic and what isn't. That's what holding you back the most. A lot of animes nowadays are made of crap. What is it you may ask? It's full of nonsense: People with coloured hairs, strange names, mary-sue characters, events which happen for no logical reasons and the rather high amount of sexism, where women in anime are sexed up by the producers and presented as damsels in distress. But would these things happen in real life? I think not.
But let's take Cardcaptor Sakura as an example of what I think is a very good story and anime. Cardcaptor Sakura also has that magical and supernatural stuff, but I find it convincing and compelling. One of the reasons of that is due to realism. Sakura's relationships with her father, her friends and her supernatural companions reflect the idea of what is considered a strong and solid relationship in our world today. There isn't that stereotyping of women as being damsels in distress in the anime either. Both female and male characters are presented as equal and in a respectable manner. Also, when Sakura is in trouble, she actually responds and seeks help, making her more realistic as a character. Even when the magical stuff is happening, characters and events still reflect certain aspects of our present society. Hence, this makes Cardcaptor Sakura convincing.
I hope you'll take my message on board. If you start aiming for realism, you will find that your writing itself would improve too.
Andy.
