Pack of Lies (chapter 1, part 1) Critques please!!

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Have you ever wondered why you were so different from everyone else? Why no one seemed to acknowledge that you existed? I do. I have had a secret for a very long time that I fear may turn everyone against me. It began in high school when my only friend turned on me and threatened to expose me for who I really am. Of course I had to kill him to keep everything safe....


"Wake up, Mr. Bennett!" My Global teacher yelled at me. I had been snoozing with my head on my desk and some drool had puddled on the desk.

"Yes?" I replied groggily.

"Don't say 'Yes' to me that way, Mr. Bennett. Now, can you tell me why Napoleon..." Her voice trialed off as I stared out the window, longing to be in the forest, running and hunting.

Those were sweet times for me. Until my family was killed for what we were. My whole pack, murdered at the hands of man. I wanted revenge.

"Mr. Bennett! Pay attention!" My teacher, Mrs. Kay, said loudly . The class turned around and looked me. My super sensitive ears picked up a girl whispering to her friend, "What is he doing? He's so stupid."

"Leave me alone," I said looking back out the window. My best friend, my only friend, Dan, shook his head and rolled his eyes as he looked away. His brown hair swinging in front of his eyes.

"That's it, Lloyd, go to the office!" Mrs. Kay pointed to the door.

"Fine with me. I want to get out of here," I stood up, grabbed my bag, and stalked out of the room. I caught my reflection in the polished tile floor in the hall. My black hair was a bit messy and my ice blue eyes seemed to bore into my own soul. My face was red from anger.

I wanted to run out. Turn into the beautiful creature that I was inside. But of course, I couldn't. Not with the security around.

I made my way down the white and tiled halls. Marcellus Senior High was known for the many tiled objects that its walls held. I found it pretty annoying. I stopped at the big window and took in the forest. The many memories I had came flooding back to me. I stood there and watched as birds took off from our courtyard. I saw a rabbit scurry away. And yet I just stood there, breathing, wanting to be free.

I was late getting to the office. By five minutes. I saw Dan sitting in the office. I thought that he must've been called down here to find out what's going on with me. I sat in a chair and waited. I heard muffled voices coming from the other side of the maple door. I sniffed the air and picked up the familiar scents of coffee and glue, ink and paper.

Sitting there in the office, sniffing familiar scents, and waiting seemed to be a natural thing nowadays. Little did I know my life was going to change.
Last edited by Kyuubi on Fri Sep 12, 2008 12:44 am, edited 2 times in total.
"So, I was thinking, I've always wanted to ride a TaunTaun."
"Ummmm....I asked you answer the math problem on the board."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did."
"Yeah well, that's your opinion."...............A conversation between my teacher and I.




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I sniffed the air and picked up the familiar scents of coffee and glue. Ink and paper.


I sniffed the air and picked up the familiar scents of coffee and glue, ink, and paper.

Just caught that. Only thing I saw wrong. Looks very expecting. I wonder... :)

See you around,

-Amber
We've all been broken in some way. It's just how we express it that makes us dffrent form eachother.

“This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him only lacks a cover.”
~William Shakespeare, The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
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Have you ever wondered why you were so different from everyone else? Why no one seemed to acknowledge that you existed? I do. I have had a secret for a very long time that I fear may turn everyone against me. It began in high school, when my only friend turned on me, threatening to expose me for who I really am. Of course I had to kill him to keep everything safe....


"Wake up, Mr. Bennett!" My Global teacher yelled at me. I had been snoozing with my head on my desk and a puddle of drool had formed on the desk.

"Yes?" I replied groggily.

"Don't say 'Yes' to me that way, Mr. Bennett. Now, can you tell me why Napoleon..." Her voice trialed off as I stared out the window, longing to be in the forest, running and hunting.

Those were sweet times for me. Until my family was killed for what we were. My whole pack, murdered at the hands of man. I wanted revenge.

"Mr. Bennett! Pay attention!" My teacher, Mrs. Kay, screamed fix screamed. Teachers don't really scream. The class turned around and looked me. My super sensitive ears picked up a girl whispering to her friend.

"Leave me alone," I said looking back out the window. My best friend, my only friend, Dan, shook his head and rolled his eyes as he looked away. His brown hair swinging in front of his eyes.

"That's it, Lloyd, go to the office!" Mrs. Kay pointed to the door.

"Fine with me. I want to get out of here," I stood up, grabbed my bag, and stalked out of the room. I caught my reflection in the polished tile floor in the hall. My black hair was a bit messy and my ice blue eyes seemed to bore into my own soul. My face was red from anger.

I wanted to run out. Turn into the beautiful creature that I was inside. But of course, I couldn't. Not with the security (at Marcellus? *gags*) around.

I made my way down the white and tiled halls. Marcellus Senior High was known for the many tiled objects that its walls held. I found it pretty annoying. I stopped at the big window and took in the forest. The many memories I had came flooding back to me. I stood there and watched as birds took off from our courtyard. I saw a rabbit scurry away. And yet I just stood there, breathing, wanting to be free.

I was late getting to the office. By five minutes. I saw Dan sitting in the office. I thought that he must've been called down here to find out what's going on with me. I sat in a chair and waited. I heard muffled voices coming from the other side of the maple door. I sniffed the air and picked up the familiar scents of coffee, glue, ink and paper.

Sitting there in the office, sniffing familiar scents, and waiting seemed to be a natural thing nowadays. Little did I know my life was going to change.




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The only thing that caught me in this piece was that you mention your only friend twice. id Dan and the one you killed the same person? I can't wait for the next version.
So stadig loop ons deur die pers Jakarandas wat val,die bome word kaal Pa staar na die beeld van Botha wat reis op sy perd,Hy wonder was bloed soveel werd.Soveel jare dra hy aan die naam van 'n plek,Soveel jare moet ons nou laat gaan,Is die naam dan so erg,so bitter en sleg?Hoekom gooi jul dit weg?



attempting foot extraction
— Mea