Looking Glass Prologue

Interesting I will read more, I want to find out somethings, hopefully in the next chapter.

1. who is Caolyn

2. why is she looking for a 'looking glass'

3. what is that shadow thing doing?

4. why is it also after the 'looking glass'


The prologue was a little bit uneventful, except for Caolyn looking to get a 'looking glass'. Perhaps you could make it more eventful by spicing up the words, maybe for example something like this.

She was like a leaf on a strong gust of wind. She glanced behind her and saw a Shadow, she had to hurry and find the looking glass before it did.

- here's yours

She was like a leaf on a strong gust of wind. She glanced behind her and saw a Shadow, she had to hurry and find the looking glass before it did. As she moved through the crowd she could sense the shadow coming. Closing on her like a predator after the prey.- mine

Only if you wanna. ^_^

Hehe, thanks. I like you version better. I'll edit it.

I guess after reading this edited version, there's not much to say now (unless you want to make it longer).

I suppose one of the only things I can comment on is flow. I'm not exactly sure how to put this, but there's something about the way the words are arranged that can change how the writing itself sounds. And it wasn't in the whole little piece, but it was in there somewhere.

--Chelsea

At last, I'm reviewing this. This story looks good. But you seemed to jump from place to place. It's a simple mistake. And some parts I couldn't even understand. Well, that most likely will be my fault.

She used her height to her advantage as she looked for the elegant, silver-lined looking glass that she so desperately wanted to find.

Firstly, put 'height for her advantage' and secondly, put 'seached' for the second one.

The crowd however had a mind of its own as it jostled her.

It should be 'jostled around her'

She glanced behind her and saw a Shadow, she had to hurry and find the looking glass before it did.

Firsty, describe who this 'Shadow' is. I mean, is it a chamaleon, ghost, ninja or another thing.

Secondly, make this two sentences. It's to decipher the meaning of the sentence when it's a single sentence.

As she passed by a booth she noticed the glinting off the edge of a rounded mirror.

I think it should be 'glinting of' not 'off'

An old woman stood there monitoring her booth. She forcefully pushed her way through the hoard of individuals.

For the second sentence, you should put the name of the character or we'll be mistaken that it is the women in the booth.

she had successfully carried out her part in the Queste.

I think the 'Quest' is spelled without an 'e' at the end.

I think you need to develop the character a bit more. We don't know nothing about her, except that she has golden hair. We don't even know her age. So, develop the Main character.

Good luck.

I did spell Queste wrong, but its on purpose. Thats for pointing out those mistakes. I really appriciate it. Thanks for your review!

Kaylynn,

Hello! How are you on this ever so cloudy day - well, know evening..? Hopefully well (:


Quote:
She glanced behind her and saw a Shadow, she had to hurry and find the looking glass before it did.
Run on. Split, add a dash - just do something.


Quote:
As she moved through the crowd she could sense the shadow coming.
Capitalize that or no? The :shadow:?


Quote:
As she passed by a booth she noticed the glinting off the edge of a rounded mirror.
“of”. Though perhaps a sentence of description? E.g. the


Quote:
She forcefully pushed her way through the hoard of individuals.
The MC or the old woman? Yes, yes, I know, but still unclear.


Quote:
She no longer cared about being polite, an entire people's fate rested on the outcome of this day.
Run on. Split, add a dash.


Quote:
The vender looked up and studied her face. Caolyn grew uncomfortable.
So - so matter-of-fact. Hmm. Did she grow hot under that gaze? Did she know where to put her eyes? Body language, etc, show us that she’s uncomfortable, don’t make us take your word for it.


Quote:
Caolyn took the looking glass from the woman when she turned her back.
Again, unclear pronoun thingy.


Quote:
She smiled to herself and headed for the Forest of Raiyne, she had successfully carried out her part in the Queste.
Run on. Same comment.


***

Hmm - Prologues aren’t my favorites. Perhaps that’s pretty hypocritical as I’ll probably soon be posting one of my own, heh.

All in all, interesting. Quests aren’t my cup of tea, but - prove me wrong? ^^


Cheers,
Esme

P.S. On side note, I do love your avatar.

This was a very nice beginning! Wonderful job! -claps-

I just have a few nitpicks, but they're really not that big:

She glanced behind her and saw a Shadow, she had to hurry and find the looking glass before it did. {In here I would have used a ; instead of a coma, but a coma's fine, I guess. I told you these weren't that big.}

As she moved through the crowd she could sense the Shadow coming. Closing on her like a predator after the prey. {Try combining these two sentences. It will have it flow better}

Okay, that's about it. Other than my petty pickiness, it was an excellent beginning.

-MQ

Prologue! Even with a broken arm I am here to review *the mouse gliding on the pad underneath the plaster*.

It`s well written and you wrote enough to drawn the reader into the story.
However!

It's "vendor" or "vendors" not "vender".

Caolyn forcefully pushed her way through the hoard of individuals. She no longer cared about being polite; an entire people's fate rested on the outcome of this day.

Hmm... The part of "She no longer cared about being polite" gives a vague idea about what she was doing to pass trough the mass of people. You can say "She pushed, kicked the poor beings that where trying so desperate to get out of that street." Anyway it's your choice.

Caolyn smiled to herself and headed for the Forest of Raiyne; she had successfully carried out her part in the Queste.

You leave that crowded feeling to fade. " Caolyn smiled to herself and walked with the growing wave of flesh, sweat and anger until she made a turn to the left, heading for the Forest of Raiyne: she had successfully carried out her part in the Queste." (Or is it Quest? )

Nothing else to say. It's a prologue so I can't make you bring more info to us. Luck!

-Akayl

Good job on the prologue. It's a good length and keeps just enough hidden..so basically now we all HAVE to read more to get all these questions answered!
I'm confused though, was the old woman the cashier lady, or just someone who wanted to buy it?
I also think it'd be nice if there was a little more strain as to whether she would actually get the looking glass once she was in the store or not. I think it's just because there's all this buildup and theres a shadow and everything, and then she just takes the glass and pays for it. It was just a tad anticlimatic.

Thanks, I guess you're right. I'll think of something to add...

Hellu!! I noticed that you are an Ameirican Mcgee's Alice fan. Me too! I LOVE your alice siggy, too. Tell me what u think about my siggy!

Ok, first of all, you said that an entire group of people counted on her getting the looking glass. If i had the fate of anyone, i would be running like a bat-out-of-hell and flipping out of my tree. Show some more emotion and urgency.

i adore any kind of fantasy, especially vampires , and i'm guessing these are fairies...? Likewise, i enjoy that you stepped up and took up a storyline that has fairies, because people are usualy not attracted to fairy stories.

Overall a good prolouge, keep it up!!! Hope to see you again!!