Forever chp. 3

Later that night me and dad ate the left over pizza from last night.
The silence was awkward.
I really wasn't in the mood to talk though. Before I went to bed dad, gave me a one armed hug and I trudged upstairs, climbing into the covers.
I awoke to the sound of my alarm clock, but it's what I woke up from that got me.
I was walking in the woods, something Cold Bay happened to have a lot of.
I didn't know where I was. Just the woods.
It was dark, the moon glistened on my chocolate brown hair. There was a faint voice calling my name over and over again.
The voice was the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. I didn't know where it was coming from.
I began to panic.
I started running, I couldn't find the road. I suddenly stopped, the voice grew louder, circling me. I turned around and around, until I got dizzy.
I closed my eyes.
When I re-opened them a black figure leaped at me. That's when I woke up. My alarm clock still beeping.
I reached over and unplugged it, frustrated. Before I unplugged it, had read 7:30, time to get ready to go to school. I heaved a long, heavy sigh.
I was downstairs by 8 o'clock, showered, hair and teeth brushed, all the normal morning routines.
There was a note on the table it read:
Bells,
I hope you have a good day at school. I'll see you when I get home.
-love you dad
I quickly poured myself a glass of O.J. grabbing my coat I was out the door.
It was raining today. The air very damp and moist.
The rain beat down on the windshield nosily. I reluctantly pulled into the school's parking lot.
Cold Bay High school, the big stone sign read. It was a reddish brown building, two stories.
A huge mountain behind it, larger than any of the other ones I've seen here in cold Bay.
I got out, the rain still pouring. I made a run for the school building.
Inside the walls were white with red border painted on them.
I walked into the office. A women sat with glasses pushed all the way to her nose pulled her face from the computer screen now looking st me.
"Isabella Stewart?" She asked me kindly.
"Bella" I corrected her. "Bella" She said. "Here's your schedule, bring this back when schools over". I took the papers. "Have a good first day" She added. I nodded, easily closing the door behind me.
Biology was first. Everyone stared at me after the teacher, Mr. Hebert, made me introduce myself.
They all started whispering shortly after.
Only fifty-five minutes I told myself over and over only fifty-five. I kept saying that and to my relief the bell rang. I hoped off my seat when a tall blond headed girl walked casually over to me.
"Hi, I'm Erica Patterson, Isabella right?" She said smiling. "Bella" I corrected her a little bit to harshly.
"Sorry" She said sheepishly. I nodded apologetically. "What class do you have next?" she asked brightly again.
"Spanish" I said reading my schedule, while we were walking out. "Me too!" she yelled excitedly. "Want to sit together?" she asked. "Ya" I said. "Sure".
The day slowly dragged on until lunch. Erica invited me to sit with her and some other kids whose names I'd forgotten after she'd spoken them to me.
I casually glances to my left and saw a boy sitting by himself. He was just sitting there, like he was life less. He was wearing a dark sweatshirt, staring sown at his food, untouched. My heart skipped a beat when I realized who he was. It was the jerk who almost knocked me over in Wal-mart.
Crap

Here's my review.

I didn't know where it was ciming from.

Coming. Instead of ciming.

I started running, I couldn't find the road.

I think your missing a but between running and I.

I suddnely stopped, the voice grew louder, circling me.

Suddenly. Add the e after the double d's.

When I re-opened them a black figure lept at me.

Leaped instead of lept.

That's when I woke up. My alram clock still beeping.

Alarm instead on alram.

I heaaved a long, heavey sigh.

Heaved instead of heaaved.

I quickley poured myself a glass of O.J. grabbing my coat I was out the door.

Comma after J. ...O.J., grabbing

The rain veat down on the windshield nosily.

Veat? You mean beat down.

"Isabella Stewart?" She asked me kindly.

Isn't Isabella the same in Twilight? Use something original. Something of your own. Something totally made up.

"Have a good first day" She adeed.

Adeed? You mean added.

I hoped off myseat when a tall blonde headed girl walked casueally over to me.

Casually. Instead of casueally.

Just a couple of grammar mistakes.
This seems a lot like Twilight. Try to be orignial and unique. Do you get what I mean?
Otherwise, pm me when chapter or part 4 is up.
-Merry

Okay, here as promised, and i see Merry was here first...shes cool. If i point out the same thigns she does...sorry. I didn't read it.

night me and dad ate the left

Dad and I
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before I went to bed dad, gave me a one armed hug and I trudged upstairs, climbeing into the covers.

The comma would go before dad. Make going to bed a different longer sentence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I awoke to the sound of my alarm clock, but it's what I woke up from that got me.

This is perfect!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn't know where it was ciming from.

Coming
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I heaaved a long, heavey sigh.

Heaved?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The rain veat down on the windshield nosily.

I don't know what veat is...not the right word huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

bilding, two storys.

Building
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Bella" I corrected her. "Bella" She said. "Here's your schedule, bring this back when schools over". I took the papers. "Have a good first day" She adeed. I nodded, easily closing the door behind me.

There are two different people speaking here. Make sure you break those up.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They all started whispering shortly after.

You said after in the previous sentence, we get that its after. Just say something else. like 'softly to each other'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I just happened to look to my left when there sitting alone was the boy who bumped into me,
Crap.

[/quote]
UGH. Gotta hate those loner boys....not. haha. Describe him before you jump to the conclution that hes the same boy. Like I casually glanced to my left and saw a boy sitting by himself. He was wearing a dark sweatshirt and stared down at his food. My heart skipped a beat when I realized who he was. It was the jerk who almost knocked me over in Wal-mart. Crap

Okay, as long as this boy doesn't want to suck bella's blood, I'm hooked. Haha. Keep this up, your doing awesome!!!!

dreamer6782 wrote:Later that night me and dad ((Dad and I)) ate the left over pizza from last night.

dreamer6782 wrote:I really wasn't in the mood to talk though. Before I went to bed dad, ((Dad)) gave me a one armed hug and I trudged upstairs, climbeing ((climbing)) into the covers.

The rule for when to capitalize Dad and what not is if you can replace Dad (or Mom, or Grandma, etc.) with a name than you capitalize it.
For example, if you wrote "I wanted to take my mom to the park for her birthday." You wouldn't capitalize mom because you wouldn't say "I wanted to take my Lisa..."
If you wrote "Mom and I went to the park for her birthday." You would capitalize Mom because you could say "Lisa and I..."
Make sense?

dreamer6782 wrote:I was walking in the woods, something Cold Bay happened to have alot ((a lot)) of.

dreamer6782 wrote:It was dark, the moon glistened on my chocolate brown hair. There was a faint voice ((space)) calling my name over and over again.
The voice was the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. I didn't know where it was ciming ((coming)) from.

dreamer6782 wrote:I started running, I couldn't find the road. I [color=red]suddnely ((suddenly)) stopped, the voice grew louder, circling me. I turned around and around, until I got dizzy.
I closed my eyes.
When I re-opened them a black figure lept ((leaped)) at me. That's when I woke up. My alram ((alarm)) clock ((was)) still beeping.
I reached over and unplugged it, fustrated. ((frustrated)) Before I unplugged it, had read 7:30, time to get ready to go to school. I heaaved ((heaved)) a long, heavey ((heavy)) sigh.

I'm just going to put the miss spelled words in red now...my computer underlines them for me

dreamer6782 wrote:I quickley poured myself a glass of O.J. ((orange juice)) grabbing my coat I was out the door.

dreamer6782 wrote:The rain veat down on the windshield nosily. I reluctantly pulled into the school's parking lot.
Cold Bay High school, the big stone sign read. It was a redish ((just say red here)) brown bilding, two storys. ((stories))
((There was)) A huge mountain behind it, larger than any of the other ones I've ((I'd)) seen here in ((Cold))cold Bay.

dreamer6782 wrote:I walked into the officce.

dreamer6782 wrote:"Bella" I corrected her. ((new person talking, new paragraph))"Bella" She said. "Here's your schedule, bring this back when schools over". I took the papers. "Have a good first day" She adeed. I nodded, easily closing the door behind me.
Biology was first. Everyone stared at me after the teacher, Mr. Hobbert, made me interduce myself.

dreamer6782 wrote:Only fifty-five minutes I told myself over and over only fifty-five. I kept saying that and to my relief the bell rang. I hoped off my ((space)) seat when a tall blonde headed girl walked [casueally over to me.
"Hi, I'm Erica Patterson, Isabella right?" She said smiling. "Bella" I corrected her a little bit to harshly.
"Sorry" She said sheepishly. I nodded apologeticaly. "What class do you have next?" she asked brightly again.
"Spanish" I said reading my schedule, while we were walking out. "Me too!" she yelled excitdley. "Want to sit together?" she asked. "Ya" I said. "Sure".
The day slowly dragged on until lunch. Erica invited me to sit with her and some other kids whose names I'd fogotten after she'd spoken them to me.
I just happened to look to my left when there sitting alone was the boy who bumped into me,
Crap.

Again, overall the plot and style is good. You write very well for a twelve year old Mostly spelling mistakes this time
The similarities to Twilight continue. I didn't mention this before but 'Swan' and 'Stewart'. The dream. The real name of Isabella and how she corrects people on it often. The confrontation with the lady who gave her her schedule. The peppy girl who wants to be friends with her. The forgetting of the names as soon as she says them at lunch.
I'm not trying to put you off of writing or something...I'm just making sure your story isn't too look-a-like.
Let me know when the next chapter is up!

Hi Dreamer, here to review your last chapter of the moment. I haven't really gone in order.

Later that night me and dad ate the left over pizza from last night.

Dad and I

Before I went to bed dad,

No need for a comma here.

I didn't know where I was. Just the woods.

I didn't know where I was but I know it was the woods.

I started running, I couldn't find the road.

I started running and I couldn't find the road.

That's when I woke up. My alarm clock still beeping.

That's when I woke up, my alarm clock still beeping.

I reached over and unplugged it, frustrated.

Why else would she have unplugged it, other than if she was still sleepy?

Before I unplugged it, had read 7:30, time to get ready to go to school.

Before I had unplugged it, it had read seven-thirty, which was time for me to get ready to go to school.

I was downstairs by 8 o'clock,

Eight o'clock. You should spell it out because you need to spell out any number that's under 100.

I was downstairs by 8 o'clock, showered, hair and teeth brushed, all the normal morning routines.

This line sounds a little awkward for me, primarily the Hair and Teeth Brushed part of it. Maybe reword it a little?

There was a note on the table it read:

There was a note on the table that read:

-love you dad

Love you, Dad

I quickly poured myself a glass of O.J. grabbing my coat I was out the door.

Spell out O.J.; not everyone knows what it stands for.
I quickly poured myself a glass of orange juice, and, grabbing my coat, was out the door.

The air very damp and moist.

This line is kind of obvious here so I would suggest taking it out.

Cold Bay High school,

Cold Bay High School

It was a reddish brown building, two stories.

It was a reddish brown building that was two stories high.

A huge mountain behind it,

A huge mountain was behind it,...

"Bella" I corrected her.

"Bella."

"Bella"

"Bella,"

"Here's your schedule, bring this back when schools over".

The ending punctation goes before the ending quotations.

"Have a good first day"

"Have a good first day."

Only fifty-five minutes I told myself over and over only fifty-five.

Only fifty-five minutes, I told myself over and over, only fifty-five more.

"Bella"

"Bella."

"Sorry"

"Sorry,"

she asked brightly again.

She asked brightly [s]again[/s].

"Spanish"

"Spanish."

"Ya" I said. "Sure".

"Yeah, sure." I responded.

like he was life less.

lifeless.

Crap

I love this ending line but try putting an exclaimation mark after it.

Overall comments/suggestions

Your grammar could use some work. Like I've said in the other chapters, ending punctation comes BEFORE the ending quotations. Work on some of those run-on sentences too.
I've already read the other chapters so all I'm going to say about everything else is that you should work on a plot twist or something; the story may become cliched.

As always, PM me for anything at all.

-alwaysawriter

I liked Chapter three. In every chapter I see minor mistakes. Make sure before you post it that you check your spelling. I liked the end. I can't wait to read Chapter Four! Good Job!