Prologue for Shadow's Angel

Prologue- under a starlit sky


A lady stood at the edge of the precipice, looking down on the sea. The waves washed the side of the cliff, scaring the seagulls and other birdlife away; it was curious how they kept returning. She watched intently as the birds flew back and forth, occasionally bringing pieces of debris back to their nests. The lady pitied the birds as they were constantly frightened by the horrific waves; however, she did laugh as a young bird flew out of nowhere and let out a hearty chirp.
A man strode up behind her and smiled fondly at the lady in white. She did not reply with a return beam, but instead a cold, hard stare that didn’t flatter her radiant face at all. The woman turned away and watched the birdlife once again. With stunning grace, she lifted the back of her hair up and untied the piece of string that had hung there for the duration of her life. Holding it in her hand, she stared down at the ornament that was so carelessly attached to the twine. The necklace itself was magnificently crafted, into the form of an angel. The wings were made of pure gold; the body of crystal that glimmered softly in the moonbeams. The necklace possessed stunning detail; the face was angelically carved with smooth indents, (representing the hair) whilst the crystal breast was raised to give the angel a feminine approach. Although the beauty of the necklace was obviously dominant, there was one feature that was rarely taken note of. The five letters carved in the left wing meant nothing to the owner, like a steak would to a rabbit, but it was of high significance. The letters simply read TSOTH.
“Do not part with it Lillian; such a beautiful pendant could not bring harm upon you, but will bring beauty and grace upon your name.”
The lady in white turned round and held the necklace over the edge of the sea cliff. Moonlight reflected on it and shone on the man’s face.
“Do you not feel for me? This pendant, so you call it, has corrupted my life and made me witness to many childhood nightmares that no child should have to see.
Tell me Evan, would you not wish to destroy such an object willingly if it were to heal your worry and have you be able to walk the streets of London with a sense of belonging once more? Tell me also, would you not willingly tear down something that is neither living nor dead so you would be free and be able to carry on with your life in the way you had always dreamed of?" she paused to inhale the salty air and then continued, her voice fierce with anger...
"Tell me, Evan, why you so keenly persist for me to carry this symbol of peace if peace is non existent and the words carved on the division mean nothing to me. I am a London woman and this is not the fate that the angels had written down on golden scrolls for me.”
She stretched her arm further over the edge, so much so that if the necklace were to fall, it would be obliterated in seconds. Evan spoke in reply, desperation seizing his voice...
“Lillian, my beauty, my delight, you are making a careless choice. Be you not a feared of the consequence of your action; a consequence that you will bear permanently?”
“I have no reason to fear consequence Evan as I shan’t witness it. We will soon find the fate that the angels had down for me.”
With a final glance at the man before her, the lady in white collapsed willingly over the edge of the cliff and fell to oblivion.

***

I don't get why you would waste words describing the pendant itself. It's so long winded and unnecessary. You can say that it's beautiful and it would hold the same effect.

The dialogue is also rather unrealistic. Look at this:

“Do not part with it Lillian; such a beautiful pendant could not bring harm upon you, but will bring beauty and grace upon your name.”

Would anyone in real life talk like this? More likely someone that is under the influence of morphine.

“Do you not feel for me? This pendant, so you call it, has corrupted my life and made me witness to many childhood nightmares that no child should have to see. Tell me Evan, would you not wish to destroy such an object willingly if it were to heal your worry and have you be able to walk the streets of London with a sense of belonging once more? Tell me also, would you not willingly tear down something that is neither living nor dead so you would be free and be able to carry on with your life in the way you had always dreamed of? Tell me, Evan, why you so keenly persist for me to carry this symbol of peace if peace is non existent and the words carved on the division mean nothing to me. I am a London woman and this is not the fate that the angels had written down on golden scrolls for me.”

After that nonsense, I still don't understand why the pendant has the ability to corrupt someone's life.

But heck, overall, this piece makes no sense whatsoever. What's the point of bringing in angels into the piece? In what way did the angels bestowed a certain fate to the woman? You can't expect the audience to understand the piece with astral-like descriptions and the mentioning of angels (even though they are pretty). It needs reasoning and logic which is what this piece lacks.

Try again.
Andy.

the point of the necklace being described in detail is so that it has more effect later when it becomes more significant.
You arent meant to know the pendants purpose yet because it is jsut a prologue
but thanks (i guess)

No, the purpose of the pendant from what I've read is solely to indicate to the audience that it is angelic. The same message can be communicated by simply adding an appropriate adjective (angelic prehaps?) instead of pointless descriptions.

While I'm at it, what's the point of making this a prologue anyways? Prologues are used to provide prior information to the audience that is vital for narrative progression later on. This would work better as the first chapter as it lacks the amount of information necessary to merit this as a prologue. Prologues can also help in foreshadowing future events in the narrative. While this does that somewhat, at the same time, you are sacrificing vital information that is needed for this piece to make sense.

I highly recommend that you make this your first chapter.

Ok, so maybe my story doesn't interest you but i was actually quite pleased with it. All i have ever wanted to do is write and i'd appreciate constructive criticism rather than a lecture on what my story will/won't possess in future.
the purpose of this site isnt to upset people by mean comments but to be helpful and maybe perhaps say things that they have done well with some advice as well.
i will continue with this story, all the same.
A very annoyed Bisquit

I would just like to say that i thought it was a rule on YWS to say at least one thing that is good about a piece. This would stop people becoming upset like Bisquit and taking your comments to heart.

Anyway, bisquit, i like this prologue (for that is what it is and should be), you have used a range of good vocab which interests the reader and makes the piece overall more enjoyable.

I was, however a bit confused when you wrote the large speech part. I didn't really understand who was talking (apart from the mention of Evan), maybe you should break it up in the middle to say something which shows that it was the woman that was talking. And to make it even better you could split it up further with actions or something so that you are not reading a large passage without a break.

i hope i have helped my bisquity pal, i very much enjoyed your work and i don't belive that you deserved the comments above. But there is not much point crying over spilled milk eh?

much love lozzen xx

thanks lozzen
i will make those changes! thanks for your constructive criticism. much appreciated
xx