Willow Nightshade prologue

“Hello, my name is Willow.” Well, that’s what they said her name is. Willow is what they’ve been calling her since she can remember, and even before that.

She gets flashes of the past, bits of memory just to confuse and scare her more. The first one happened in the shower. She was washing her long black hair when she remembered a face.
It hurt her, the face. She didn’t know it, or why she fell to her knees and started sobbing. Willow couldn’t grasp why this face taunted her. He was a young man, early twenties maybe. He had beautiful pale blue eyes and a young babyish face.
Willow didn’t want to think he was cute. He tortured her thoughts for Christ’s sake! He had tainted her memories.
*****
In the hospital, there was always a pretty woman with long black hair sitting by Willow’s bed. She wanted to ask what the woman was doing there but was always to tired.
At first, she couldn’t move anything. All of Willow’s body parts felt so heavy, she was too weak.
The woman stayed with her. She didn’t speak much. When the doctors came in to check on Willow, the woman would simply nod at anything they said. She took Willow’s hand in her own when ever she could.
The woman reminded Willow of an angel. She was so beautiful and brave. She stood up to anyone who tried to see Willow. One came back every day. It was a boy, Willow knew that much.
A doctor came in then, checking up one Willow’s monitors and IVs.
The angel spoke, “Why isn’t she waking up?” She seemed so frustrated. Willow wanted to comfort her, she shouldn’t be so distressed.
The doctor sighed. “Her body has gone through a tremendous amount of stress in such a short amount of time. Her mind needs time to heal. She lost a lot of blood from her wound too.”
The angel scoffed, “Which one?”
The angel started crying after she spoke. It didn’t seem right to cry, it wasn’t fair. Willow tried hard, tried to move her finger, her mouth. Anything! It seemed hopeless. The angel is crying. Move dammit! She told herself.
Willow’s hand twitched. It wasn’t much of a movement but the angel’s eyes didn’t miss anything. The angel threw herself over Willow to hug her.
“Oh, Willow,” she sighed into Willow’s hair.
Who?

It's a very intriguing prologue, I must say....Really got me hooked and I hope you post more soon...spotted a couple of minor things but nothing major needs a change as far as I'm concerned!

young baby like face.

I'd say either "babyish" or "baby-like"

In the hospital, there was always a pretty with long black hair sitting by Willow’s bed.

a pretty what? Think there is a word missing here!

She took Willow’s hand a lot in her own.

I'd re-jig this sentence so it said " She took Willow's hand in her own a lot."

All in all, its a very well-written piece and I really do wanna see mre...this is exactly what a prologue should inspire in its audience so very well done my fellow writer! You can have a gold star!

Olivia
xxx

jasmine12 wrote:“Hello, my name is Willow.” Well, that’s what they said her name is.

Good start but I think the correct tense would be "that's what they say her name is", I'm not sure though

She gets flashes of the past, bits of memory just to confuse and scare her more. The first one happened in the shower. She was washing her long black hair when she remembered a face.
It hurt her, the face. She didn’t know it, or why she fell to her knees and started sobbing. Willow couldn’t grasp why this face taunted her.

This is all beautifully phrased.

young babyish face.

I think you could either leave it as "young face" or as "young, infantile face".

He tortured her thoughts for Christ’s sake!

"for Christ's sake" really doesn't fit in, lol Take it out, jaa?

He had tainted her memories.

Beautiful.

At first, she couldn’t move anything. All of Willow’s body parts felt so heavy, she was too weak.
The woman stayed with her. She didn’t speak much. When the doctors came in to check on Willow, the woman would simply nod at anything they said. She took Willow’s hand in her own when ever she could.

This is wonderfully simple.

The angel started crying after she spoke. It didn’t seem right to cry, it wasn’t fair. Willow tried hard, tried to move her finger, her mouth. Anything! It seemed hopeless. The angel is crying. Move dammit! She told herself.
Willow’s hand twitched. It wasn’t much of a movement but the angel’s eyes didn’t miss anything. The angel threw herself over Willow to hug her.
“Oh, Willow,” she sighed into Willow’s hair.
Who?

All of the above made me cry. It was just so emotional ! Much more emotional that any of the things I've read of yours - because you tend to keep to the more humourous/adventurous/romantic side of fiction - and you do that all superbly, but to have the ability to control your readers emotions is a wonderful talent to have and I believe you have that talent

Wow, I don't make any sense at all I hope that doesn't worry you

xxx

Excellent beginning but it started to confuse me in the middle and near the end. The only thing I could tell you is to re-read.
Don't just re-read after you write but walk away for a bit and then come back
It helps quite a bit.

Also you beginning didn't quite hook me. It sounded like you just started in the middle of a conversation and went from there. It's different, which is a good thing, but it doesn't quite flow.
Maybe a way to fix that is description, but you're the author so it's up to you how you write your stories

Jasmine-
First off my Internet just cut off on me, so I'm back here reviewing again.
Anyway, was Willow in a coma? Because I couldn't really tell what was wrong with her.
Those dreams Willow has, I want to know more of. Like who's this guy who haunts her thoughts?
Um, who's the angel? Like is she a relative or someone else?
So is this in 1st or 3rd POV? 'Cause I really couldn't tell. Maybe 2nd, but I think that's hard to write in.
All in all, you have me wanting more. And I hope my questions will be answered by the next few chapters. Like seriously. What's going to happen?!
I hope I didn't confuse you with all my weird questions. Well off I go...
-Merry
~oh, and cool title!!~

Hi Jasmine. Here as promised. Sorry it's taken me so long--I'm banning people in Randomness.

“Hello, my name is Willow.” Well, that’s what they said her name is. Willow is what they’ve been calling her since she can remember, and even before that.

I didn't feel like this was a strong beginning and I'm a little bit confused as to whose talking here? The angel?

He had beautiful pale blue eyes and a young babyish face.

It doesn't really matter that he has beautiful blue eyes and a young babysish face.

He tortured her thoughts for Christ’s sake! He had tainted her memories.

What did he do to her?

It was a boy, Willow knew that much.

Why would a boy be visiting her?

The angel scoffed, “Which one?”

I don't understand this line. "Which one?" what?

As everyone said, I didn't feel like you explained yourself well enough. I don't understand why the angel's there, what the man did to her, why the boy came to visit and what happend to her. As someone else said, I'm guessing that she's in a comma. By the way you describe them, the angel sounds like her mom. Clear this up in the first chapter or two or as the story progresses.

PM me if you need anything.

-alwaysawriter

Olivia Thanks for the good comments. I quickly wrote this part this morning when I woke up so I wouldn't forget. I edited some of the things you pointed out. Good catches. Thanks for the gold star, yay! I should have the next part up within the weekend.

Ella J. Nice to be seeing you around so often. Fun!!! I can see where you could get confused. When I was thinking about it this morning I wanted to have her talking to someone, but I didn't put that in. Do'h! Thanks for the pointers. I'll rework it a little and try to continue with it. Hope the next part gets you hooked!

Sarah My favorite reviewer! Yay! I enjoy reading your opinions and pointers. They always make me laugh a little. For christs's sake is something I do use. So, I'm going to leave it in. But thanks. I was going for something different. I'm over doing the vampire theme and this is the perfect comeback to reality. It's really cool that you noticed though. I'll pm you when the next part is up!!

Merry I always look forward to hearing from you. You, Sarah and Kat are the three people I always go to first. yay!!!! This is the first time I've written in this person so it might go back and forth. It is very hard for me to do this. Those questions will be explained later on. Maybe I left to many unanswered questions here but it's ony the prolouge. The title is actually my 'wiccan' name. haha. Yeah i was into that stuff before. But i thought it was perfect for the title. I use it in Trapped by Fate too, later on obviously.

Kat Thanks for taking the time to read this. I was toying with the first line a little. before I got out of bed, I was thinking about it and came up with a really good line...after I had some caffine i couldnt for the life of me, remember. Any suggestions on what i should do???? No? Okay then...As i said before, it's only the prolouge and Willow will explain herself.


Thank you everyone! Love the help!!!

Usually I don't like reading things like this, but this one kept my eyes pretty busy reading every word. So good job.

It sounds like a good start to a great book.

I like how it seems like we'll be discover Willow's past at the same time she does.

Andrew.

this seems interesting. i saw that you had other wokr and i check it out.

this makes me wonder what happen to Willow? was she raped? or tourted and then raped? or what?

and this angel? who is she?

you have to pm me when you posted chapter 1.