protocity

you can do better than this, brad. maybe if you wrote about something other than slitting your wrists for a change..

faith said it all. i dido her but i did love this part:

"The brick walls and the foreign lampposts are falling down
and they are crushing the life out of everything."

The poem isn't about slitting your wrists. It's about human nature: we expose our weaknesses to a society all too ready to gobble us up and crush our lifeless bones.

right, well, it's still not very good. *grin*

If its not about slitting your wrists, then don't start the poem with slitting your wrists. I think the poem is stronger without the first two stanzas. I actually think the third is strong, and I would start there. Then I could believe that it is about exposing our weakness to society. I do like the part about struggling on cold floors. I can picture that, relate to that.

.

meh...you actually managed to write a poem that I don't like. that in itself is a huge accomplishment, because I like almost everything and everyone...

hmm...I guess it was just too cliche. Everyone writes things like this...it's been done. you have to make it original...like, your own, I guess.

You probably think it's cliche because I wrote a poem very similiar to it not too long ago. This is a modified version.