Harry Potter - There is never and end

This is very good, you can feel the emotions in the air, how everybody was lost not knowing quite what to do at this point. But it all seems so predictable and really cheesy

I liked it. There are a few things you could work on though.

1. There are many missed commas. Well, punctuation in general.

2. I think you stated the character's emotions too boldly a few times. The reader should be able to feel the vibe without you stating that they are sad, angry, lost, etc.

3. There were a few run-on sentences. You should cut them up into a couple of different sentences in order to make it a bit more understandable, you know?

Other than that, it was enjoyable. There were a few extremely cheesy parts. If you could be a bit more empathetic it would be more believable.

Good stuff, but I think you could study Rowling's writing style a little better. It'd be more interesting of you tried to think more about the voices the characters already have, and not the voices you think they should have.

You're very fluffy. Trim it back. We need both character AND plot to keep us reading.

This is very out of line for Harry's character. He wouldn't have done that. I think it's well written, but that's pretty much it. All the speaches and things, that's really not Harry's style. And he would never've said Colin was stupid. He wouldn't say his resolve out loud, he wouldn't be out of things to say, and he most certainly would never have adressed Tom Riddle as Lord Voldemort. You know he wouldn't give him the honor. It was within the writting style of Harry Potter, but so much out of his character. And besides, Harry was nearly dead, people would really.... I don't know how to explain. Mrs. Wiesly should be hugging him to death right about then, and Percy should be mourning his brother, Ron too, and Ron and Hermaiony shoul've kissed and this is really all wrong if you think about it from a human prospective, not a writer's prospective. If you were there, what would you have done? Forget about writting it, write like you were there. You're not describing the pain right, in my opinion. It was well written, that's all I could say.

I'm sorry but I did not like it that much.

This is the end of a book really, and you are not really showing how Harry feels, just restating the peoples' history and his known feelings. There needs to be more raw emotion, he is surrounded by death of friends, and he seems to just be talking to them like they are almost dead, or just severely injured and knocked out.

I just wasn't feeling the emotion in this, needed to be more raw, more Harry.