An Extraordinary Teenage Story

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Part 1 - Scene1

CHARACTERS-

The Unknown

Narrator- The night was cold and foggy.It was a full moon night but the moon had hid under the cover of the clouds.

a pale figure was seen coming out of the corner of the street.

( Unknown enters the scene. wearing a green hooded jacket on which a large 'COOL' is printed in yellow.)

The freezing winds had caused his cheeks to turn red. the wind picks up speed and whirls around him like a small twister.

The mini cyclone passes away taking with it large amounts of leaves and dust.

Unknown- what a freezing night. Winters have finally arrived. Finally I can take night walks on cold nights with only these old street lamps, the red brick apartments, and this lovable wall fully covered with colorful graffiti as my companions. At last I can spent some time alone.

Narrator- Just then he spots something on the ground, glittering from the light that fell from an very old and rusty street lamp.

( He picks it up and observes it closely)

It was a coin.

Unknown- It has strange symbols and pictures, or probably another language. It definitely doesn't look like anything from around here.

Narrator- Then a strange thing happened. The speed of the winds started to increase. Thunder roared and rain poured down from the sky.

The wind began to encircle him. It only meant one thing, disaster. It was a tornado!!

The winds became stronger, and it was now hailing. Screams came from inside of the apartments. The thunders above were much stronger now.

Suddenly a lightning bolt seized through him directly into the ground.

It felt like he just died. He became unconscious and fell on the ground.


Scene 2

Characters-

Ashley

Unknown

Catherine



(Ashley's lying on the ground, her hair messed up and her clothes dirty.)

Narrator- It was a very dark, and scary place. The smell of wet earth was all around.Ashley's wings were aching, and her feet were cold.

She was clueless of were she was or what had happened to her. She just remembered that she found a shiny coin lying on the floor.

That was all.

Ashley- what happened? where am I? What is this place?

(She looks around in disbelieve. And wondering where she was.)

what a spooky place. With these creepy creepers all overgrown over these old walls, it looks like a large old haunted house without a roof. Or perhaps it's an ancient garden in which I've stumbled upon.

Narrator- It was nighttime or at least the darkness in there made it look like night. The sky above was very weird. There were no stars, moon or clouds. It was all empty. Ashley searched for an exit from this place.But it was of no good. Every time she would land up in the same place.

Ashley- What kind of place is this? It's like a maze. how am I gonna get out of here now. I am trapped!

Narrator- Just then she heard a distant sound.Those were the sound of someone's footsteps. And whatever it was, was coming closer. There was a long moment of suspense. Until a vague form appeared on the corner of the maze. There was too little light for her to see what it was. It took cautious steps towards her. Then suddenly it tripped on something. It was then she realized that it was a human.

Ashley- (afraid) Whose there?

Unknown-help me. Please don't go away.

( She runs towards him and helps him up.)
Unknown- Can you help me find my glasses?

Ashley- Sure, but I cant see a thing, its too dark.

Unknown- No problem, I have a torch.

(He takes his torch out of his jacket pocket and hands over it to ashley. their hands gently brush along each other. He feels a tingling sensation run through his body. A smile automatically comes to his face.)

Ashley- Oh this will make things easier.

Unknown- It sure will.

(Ashley switches it on, and begins searching for his glasses.)

Ashley- Oh my gosh even with this torch things seem so dark.


(Ashley feels something crawl on her legs. She turns to see what it was, then she heard something crunch under her feet.)

Unknown- Please tell me those weren't my glasses.

Ashley- Well...actually I think they were.

Unknown- Now how am I gonna see? What am I supposed to do now?

Ashley- I am sooo sorry.but I don't think your glasses wouldve helped in this darkness.

Unknown- Well, I think your right. By the way do you know where we are?

Ashley- What?!! Please dont say that even you dont know where are we?

Unknown- Sorry, to say. but I am completely clueless.

Ashley- noooo!!!! my last hope gone too. how are we going to get out of here?

Narrator- Before anyone could speak further a distant noise interrupted them. It sounded like someone was running. Whoever it was, was near them.

Unknown- What was that?

Ashley- I dont know. This place is getting creepier and more mysterious each second. And with every second, my urge of getting out of here is growing. It's getting unbearable.

Unknown- Lets check it out.

Narrator- They followed it, but it was too fast for them.


(To Be Continued.)
Last edited by spike71294 on Sun Sep 07, 2008 10:57 am, edited 2 times in total.




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Unless this story was placed somewhere in the, I don't know, fifteen hundreds, I suggest you throw out pretty much all of the dialogue. Normal teens don't say things like...

"Oh I am so sorry. But frankly I don't think your glasses wouldve helped in this darkness.'

First, there needs to be an apostrophe between would and 've'.

Also, like I said, they wouldn't speak that way. Maybe a forty-five-year-old Shakespearean-wannabe would, but these are teenagers, Spike. Their speech in this piece is superficial, slightly boring, and quite unreal. Think of a teenage boy - dude, you are one! What would YOU say in a situation like this? Because I doubt that, whatever it is, it would be anything close to:

'Can you help me in finding my glasses?'

No, no, no. I don't know exactly what you would say, but I can't imagine it ever sounding that... fake?

Anyhow, I'm not sure that the answer is to change the story into a play - just keep practicing it as a story for awhile. Because it's not like turning it into something else boosts your experience. You certainly have imagination - not to mention talent - but here's the thing. Everyone needs a ton of practice to get better. That's just kind of the way it goes. I needed (and still need) a ton. So mostly what you need to do is read as many books as you can, and practice - a lot. I know it sounds dismal now, but when you look back, you'll feel grateful for all the hard work you put in.

One other thing - always proof-read a story at least once before putting it up on YWS. It will look more inviting, and you'll get more reviews of those who didn't just want to nitpick for hours.

Anyhow, good luck! And, of course, happy trails to you. ^^

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest



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