My Magical Bed

I eagerly waited to be tucked into my cozy, sweet little bed and snooze away to glory! Then the lights went off and my eyes closed…to embark another fascinating adventure, to have another riveting journey and to add another story to my collection!

At the precise moment that my eyes closed….all went awry beside me and Voila! I was in another world, another place, in another time and away….This time my magic bed decided to send me to the heavenly abode, up above the sky! Yes, As I dreamily glanced around, I was momentarily spell-bound by the entrancing beauty of the ambiance.

Wonderful milky and foamy spotless white clouds drifted by me and as I looked down at my feet, I was standing on one myself!
"Welcome to the "Skysi World" madam, where may I take my honor?" a sweet, warm voice with brilliant echoed out of nowhere. I glanced around and eventually realized that the white cloud on which I stood was actually speaking to me.

I faltered and stuttered but finally managed to say, "Wherever you…you..may please. I wish to visit the chief area of this place if you may!".
The voice sounded again but this time as if with an impish grin and a mocking tone,
"Very well. As you say Madam I take you to the "Central Skip-pie Hall" where most of the sky world's hustle bustle is found."

With bated breath I finally embarked on the stimulating journey. Within five minutes, I reached the Hall while trying hard to balance myself during the speedy ride. "Here you go Madam, hope you enjoyed the ride!"

I smiled in appreciation and nodded my head, mouthing a thank-you because words would not utter themselves. As soon as he left, I glanced at a huge majestic castle standing tall and handsome before me. It bewitched me with it's opulence and exotic beauty.
I stood staring at when someone stirred me near the leg. I turned back but found no one. I looked down and LOL! There stood a tiny man, such a miniature being, short enough to fit into my coat pocket.

I bent down on my knees and smiled at the man, the man smiled back and said, "I was just asking you to make way. By the way, are you new here?"

"Oh yes, sure. Yes, I am. And may I know your name please?", I stammered again and replied.

"Welcome here madam. I was christened Etiojarg but people call me Et! I am a magician by profession, madam. Many people do not come here for a trip, so.... may I help you?" he asked in a sing-tone voice.
"ummm…yes…could you make me of your size? You see I come from the earth so I feel too gigantic here and may step upon some of your kind."

"My pleasure ma'am", he replied and took out what looked like a pen except that it had no nib nor cap. He drew something on my foot and the next moment I found myself shrinking and in a next few moments I was the size of the man next to me and could look directly at his face.

I realized that he was old with wrinkles protruding from everywhere. Instead of a mustache, he had cat whiskers on his face. His head as bald and shining as an egg and he wore strange clothes. His entire body was covered with what looked like golden rings…or…I realized he actually had no proper body but he was made of golden rings all intertwined and jumbled together. He wore a weird dress, something like a short robe, which was full of shapes on the top and lines at the bottom with strange vibrant colors I had never seen nor heard of………

I will continue my exciting tale in the next post tomorrow as my mom is calling me right now to complete that unfinished home-work…until then keep waiting with bated breath to know what happened to me!

Then the lights went off and my eyes closed…to embark on another fascinating adventure, to have another riveting journey and to add another story to my collection!

I stood staring at when someone stirred me near the leg. I turned back but found no one. I looked down and LOL ! (Lol, what do you mean by that?? if its the same lol we use in chat rooms, then i suggest to cut it from the story.) There stood a tiny man, such a miniature being, short enough to fit into my coat pocket.

well good story but you forgot about the descriptions. I was left thinking that this hall was a normal hall painted in white. You really need to describe what happened more. The story was good but if the story was longer it would have been better, 'The Longer The Better' you know. Keep Writing the story was fascinating and your reviewers will be waiting for more.

I agree with Firestalker, especially about the sudden "LOL". It doesn't quite fit in, considering the lack of chat speak in the rest of the story.

To me it sometimes looks/feels like one or more words are missing.

MeghnaK wrote:"Welcome to the "Skysi World" madam, where may I take my honor?" a sweet, warm voice with brilliant [with brilliant what?] echoed out of nowhere.

MeghnaK wrote:I stood staring at [again, what?] when someone stirred me near the leg.

also

MeghnaK wrote:Many people do not come here

You might want to change this to "Not many people come here", or something else instead.

Overall I found the story humorous, and I enjoyed reading it. I'm looking forward to the next part when your homework is done

This sounds very original, I like it so far. A magical bed? Cool. Anyways describe this place a little more. You might even want to explain and put in more detail about the bed since it is magical. You had a few grammar mistakes but that has been pointed out already. Anyways, I found your story interesting, continue it. If you stumble acroos any problems with anything PM me, I'll be glad to help. Good luck with your writing.

Interesting little story. I agree with what everyone has said already.

You use the word "embark" twice in the story, and even though the two are fairly far apart, I still got caught on the second one because it's such a distinctive word.

[/quote]At the precise moment that my eyes closed….all went awry beside me and Voila!

Because all went awry right as you close your eyes, the elipsis doesn't make sense. That usually shows that time has passed. Is it supposed to be "viola"? Or is it the name of your bed. You need to explain that.

"Oh yes, sure. Yes, I am. And may I know your name please?", I stammered again and replied.

You don't need the comma after the quotes.

"ummm…yes…could you make me of your size?

Don't need "of your."

He drew something on my foot and the next moment I found myself shrinking and in a next few moments I was the size of the man next to me and could look directly at his face.

You use the phrase "and the next moment" twice in one sentence. You could omit the second one by saying,"I found myself shrinking until I was the size of the man next...."

His head as bald and shining as an egg and he wore strange clothes.

This sentence might flow better if you say, "His bald head was as shiny as an egg.." Since you mention his strange robe later in the para. you don't really need, "...and he wore strange clothes."

I love the little man! What an amusing character.

All in all, I really enjoyed the story. I had a nice review all typed up, but when I tried to submit it, my computer wouldn't let me and I lost it. I think I covered everything, though.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Thanks for sharing!!

-Sea-

MeghnaK

Great so far. what's the main character's name? How did she 'journey' from the bed to the sky? Did she lie down, close her eyes, and then suddenly she was standing on a cloud? Why is she treated like royalty? Has she already been there or something? Is she happy or exited that she is there, because she was exited when she climed into bed, but is she still when she is in Skysi World? I like the idea of a small guy made of intertwined rings. You have a good story here.

MeghnaK

Great so far. what's the main character's name? How did she 'journey' from the bed to the sky? Did she lie down, close her eyes, and then suddenly she was standing on a cloud? Why is she treated like royalty? Has she already been there or something? Is she happy or exited that she is there, because she was exited when she climed into bed, but is she still when she is in Skysi World? I like the idea of a small guy made of intertwined rings. You have a good story here.

Sorry for replying so late. My exams were going on.


Thank you all for the advices given. All of them were very useful. This was my first story here and am glad to know that people here are so co-operative and helpful. I'm sure with all of your help, I can improve my writing.

Thanks again.