Lonely Hearts-Part 3

~Part 3 might sound a little weird, but tell me what you think. Oh, and Enjoy!~~Edited.~~

Aunt Eliza

She is my aunt who has taken
me in for now.

She's old, with wrinkled skin
and white hair that is in one long
braid.

Aunt Eliza looks caring
but is she?

Maybe she spent a lifetime
full of gentle laughs and
touching moments.

I see that her long manicured fingers
are painted rosy red.
I prefer black for the way I feel or
white for the ghost in my dream.

New Home

“Where are we going?” I ask.
“To my home.” She replies.

I wonder what it'll
be like?

In a neighborhood with lots of families or
in the forest away from the city.

I can only hope
for my new future.

We're Here

Hours pass until we hit
a private road.

Aunt Eliza drives for a few more
long minutes down the
gravel path of the gray road.

“We're here, Gracie.”

I look out the window.
I was right about the forest home.
She lives within the tress
and with the animals.

How wonderful.
As I roll my eyes.
Knowing I am not ready for this.

Cold de' Sac

She parks and we get out.

I look across and see
another house.
My Aunt's house has flower
gardens in the front.

The scenery looks
breathtaking.

A Light Breeze

We get my luggage that she has
packed for me.
Then suddenly I feel a
light breeze pass through me.

The breeze is somewhat strange.

I turn my feet around and
look at the other house.

The breeze has gotten warmer.
What is it telling me?

okay. Uhm, i noticed a few small things here.

I prefer black for the way I feel or
white for my ghost in my dream.

Wouldnt it be White for the ghost in my dream?

How wonderful.

Is this a sarcastic wonderful or does she really like that? If it's sarcastic say something like I roll my eyes. How wonderful.

How strange?

This is a repetative question... How wonderful? How pretty? How strange? Get my drift?

The breeze has gotten warmer.
What is it telling me?

Love how you ended it.

Keep it up ! as i've said a bunch of times before!!

She is my aunt

who has taken me in

for now.

She's old, with wrinkled skin

and white hair that is in

one long braid. (braid isnt that strong of a detail, so rephrasing is better)

Aunt Eliza looks caring

but is she?

how does she look caring? Maybe you can describe a bit more with imagery, e.g "

her face is filled with laugh-lines,

the shadow of kind smiles and gentle laughs.


white for the my ghost in my dream.

“Where are we going?” I ask.

“To my home.” She replies.

[s]I am going to my new home.[/s] my new home I thought

we already know we're going there, so its overused.

Aunt Eliza drives for a few more

long minutes down the gravel path. (driveway or road?).

long makes it more intersting, like in anticipation, or a long journey.

and with the animals.

How pretty.

(i like the way it almost sounds sarcastic)

Then suddenly I feel a

light breeze pass [s]right [/s] through me.

[s]This [/s]the breeze is somewhat strange.

I turn my feet around and

look at the other house. ( only one other house or many?)

A lot of grammar mistakes in this stanza and explain why the breeze is strange, and how many houses there are around, or emphasize on the solo house.

Overall just some mistakes here and there, I think my favourite verses or parts is the 1st and 2nd one, which shows more thinking and action.

Althrough you've written the poem in 1st person, we know so little about her, I guess we could understand she seems very distant and observant, but the audience would want to her her voice more, as in personality showing through, I like the sacasim and the perceptiveness, just show more a bit of her and do a bit more character development, and imagery.

"waiting to read more as it comes through"

~Flora