Katrina Story

In the storm
Life is chaos
Rain is pouring
The wind is roaring

Down comes the rain
Loud and clear
Soft and light
Screaming, tearing
Barely whispering a sound

Plastic is flying
Garbage cans rolling
Leaves sailing
Rocks bowling
The water is splashing

In the storm
Life is chaos
Rain is pouring
The wind is roaring

A patch of sun
Soft and subtle
Warming the cold
Lighting the dark
A ray of hope

In the storm
Life is smooth
Rain is still
The wind is gone

In the storm
Life is chaos
Rain is pouring
The wind is roaring

Waters flooding
Houses gone
People left helpless
They have no hope
Nothing has hope

In the storm
Life is hectic
Rain has damaged
The wind has ruined

After the storm
People are crying
Life is hell
The area is devastated

After the storm
People are rebuilding
Life is better
The area is surviving

After the storm
People are happy
Life is renewed
The area is thriving again

There is hope in the area!

*

Debris in the wind
Debris on the ground

Whisking, whooshing, whirling, wailing

I can’t think
Don’t make a sound

Clashing, clapping, clanging, changing

Trees bow low
Bushes stand high

Pouring, pounding, pushing, pulling.

Then there’s silence
Not a sound

A patch of sun
Soft and supple
Warming the cold
Lighting the dark
A ray of hope

Still, soft, silence, sublime

In the storm
Life is smooth
Rain is still
The wind is none

Quiet, quivering, quiescent, quell

Nothing to fear
Nothing to hide

Relax, recline, relieve, rest

In the storm
Life is smooth
Rain is still
The wind is none

Flashing, flying, flipping, flapping

Trees uprooted
Branches torn

Bending, breaking, beating, bashing

Water rising
Rotting houses

Denting, destroying, desiccating, death

There is no hope
No one around

First year
People are leaving

Second year
People are rebuilding

Third year
People are coming back

There is hope in our hearts!

*

One storm
One hit;
Many places
Many people
Are affected

One storm
One life
Many houses
Are rebuilt
And so are lives

A patch of sun
Soft and supple
Warming the cold
Lighting the dark
A ray of prayer and fear

A patch of sun
Soft and supple
Warming our hearts
Drying our tears
A ray of love

A patch of sun
Soft ans supple
Warming our lives
Lighting our fears
A ray of life and hope!

THERE. IS. HOPE!


~this poem is in loving memory of all the people who died in Hurricane Katrina,
a prayer for all those living and currently rebuilding,
an inviation of all of those who left to come back,
and a symbol of hope three years after the storm.

"Sigh" where do i begin. The poem is so long and repetitive, I had trouble finishing it. I know of long poems, but this says the same thing over and over i thought you accidentally posted it two or three times. I like the idea and i admire the fact you tried to write a poem dedicated to the tragic time in American history, but it didn't work.

You flow is so off, that threw me off a bit as well as everything else. You have no punctuation allowing breaking, pauses, and voice. If you were to improve on that the poem would me that much more readable.

When ever you uses the pattern like this

"Whisking, whooshing, whirling, wailing.
Clashing, clapping, clanging, changing.
Pouring, pounding, pushing, pulling."

It seems out of place and doesn't fit the way the rest of the poem is written. if you were to keep this it seems when ever this pops up your starting a new poem. Over all it seems as if your squishing many poem about the same thing together.

I'm sorry, but i don't like it, but I don't think you should give up on the topic. Fix it, or give it another try. I would love it if you let me know when you've fixed it, and I'll do all I can to help.

I think it was kind of vexatious how you keep repeating things inevitably. I think I would rewrite this so it sounds better perhaps, work on forming imagery about how truly horrifying the storm really is. After doing that, I think it will enhance the poem. Otherwise, like I said the poem will be quite boring. Good luck and I hope that helps.

I'm not all that sure how I feel about this. It felt a little "school child," to me. As was previously mentioned, it was quite repetitive, and I found myself skipping over some of it. I feel that you have an okay voice here, but instead of writing over and over what kind of physical damage the storm does, maybe look some other aspects of it. There were some misspellings, it just feels to me like it needs a lot of editing, structurally, and grammatically. Also, try not to let the subject matter overtake the writing.

Better, better, but it still needs a bit of work, but not much.

The flow was a little off throughout the whole thing. Maybe reread the thing as a whole tweak that a bit. Next comes the punctuation which could only help the flow, but I've already said this and leave it at that.

It's much better, just a bit more spots to fix is all.

Mr. Pie

Right, I'm just going to give a relatively detailed critique on the first poem, but many of my criticisms also apply to no. 2 and 3.

The quality of this poem isn't dire, but it is inconsistent. You have a good grasp of how you use words -- the problem is which words you choose. For instance, I notice that you try to use present continuous verbs for the stormy parts -- 'pouring', 'roaring', 'screaming', 'tearing', etc -- and adjectives for the still parts -- 'smooth', 'still', 'gone'. I would suggest making this consistent throughout your poem. Why not find a verb for life? Personify it, to show the scale of the disaster which minisculizes all such that even life may be personified? I also suggest more original and precise verbs than 'pouring' and 'roaring'. Try to avoid the usual words that one would immediately associate with rain, so that images strike fresh and strong.

I'm not clear on why you choose to mix "stormy" and "quiet" in places, such as in:

moon jumper wrote:Down comes the rain
Loud and clear
Soft and light
Screaming, tearing
Barely whispering a sound

...and in:

moon jumper wrote:In the storm
Life is smooth
Rain is still
The wind is gone

Do note, however, that I'm not saying you should change this. In fact, I think it could be one of the strongest points of your poem -- to say that even in the deepest, fiercest, wildest storms there abides a place of hope and the knowledge that the storm will calm. But is that what you're trying to say? If it is, I suggest you work on bringing that through.

A lot of bits in the first poem need to be tossed. Avoid lines that sound that they could be taken out of a newspaper cutting -- 'people are rebuilding', 'the area is thriving again' -- and forget about trite tokenisms like 'life is better' and 'people are happy'. The last line also needs to go, or at least, be dramatically changed. I'm not sure it's a good idea to end the poem on an exclamation mark when you're trying to emphasize renewed peace after the passing of the storm.

Keep writing!