The Dying Park

There is a park in the heart of Paris where people go to practice dying. It is an open glade in the woods, so most people don't even know it exists. The students arrive each morning dressed in white and carrying cots and pillows and sheets as if they are preparing to set up a field hospital. Some are on the brink of death and have to be carried in. Others haven't felt that darkness descend but want to be ready when it does. A few don't have anything else to do.

I didn't know this place existed until you told me last night after dinner; you had been there before. I asked Why, though what I'd meant to do was put my arms around you. You said the instructor the year you had been was from Morocco. He showed you how to gently pull at the luminous threads of your soul to loosen it. Some fall asleep during the lessons. Others begin to cry. The week you were there someone actually died. You all stood over him, and the teacher had you, one by one, place your fingers on his pulse to feel how beautifully silent his blood had become. And you told me, I hope I never forget that.

These two sections are radically different, and I don't think I like the difference. The narrative spirit in me likes the first part best because of the short choppy sentences and the lack of narrator presence. I don't really like the second part that much though. When you say, "The week you were there someone actually died." it sounds awkward because it doesn't feel like the sentence stresses the right part, though I'm not quite sure what is the right part. It doesn't pack a punch though, when it should.

Ok, a few nitpicks
why have u set out your work like this? Its harder to read than if you hadn't written in very long lines!
also, there isn't very much writing to comment on. If you wanted this to be a proper peice of writing, then improve the presentation and write more of it. Most people can't comment on two lines!
if you do this, then I'd love to read some more but for now its just not very easy to read!
good luck

He showed you how to gently pull at the luminous threads of your soul to loosen it.

This line made the poem for me. Prior to that, it had been disconnected statements (which makes sense, I suppose), and then at this point, there's pretty language that, again, completely pivots the poem.

I asked Why, though what I'd meant to do was put my arms around you.

If the first line was awesome for word choice and style, this line is awesome for content. It's perfectly hidden in the rest of the poem and not only makes sense in context, but makes the context make sense because of it. It explains more about the narrator than anything else, which I guess is why it's really awesome; it's subtle in an inyourface way.

I guess the only real bone I have to pick is the ending. It's much more emotional than the rest of the poem and it's kind of confusing in light of that. Narrative-wise, it makes sense, but the sort of shape of the phrase leaves the poem in an odd cut off way, in contrast to the beginning. I feel like at this point I should be more emotionally affected by what the second person has to say, but I'm not.

Overall, I like it ^_^

The poem was captivating.

I must admit it was the first line that pulled me in.

One tip though - Use the enter button. Stops less people from straining their eyes.

Sorry for writing like this, I'm making the lines short so you won't have to scroll
along the page to read the next half of a line.

I think it was an incredible piece of work.

Some of the line structure could be reviewed but Snoink's already told you that.

I think you should make this into a short story.

It doesn't quite reach that 'perfect' grade as a poem, but at a story it would really shine through.

I loved it, really.

It was amazingly original and unique.

I don't think I've ever read anything quite like it.

I do hope you elongate it into a story though.

I would love to read it.

Thanks for writing -

Keep doing so .

Best of luck,

Sarah

xxx

was it a poem?
didnt seem so
but nonetheless it was good and captivating.
the flow between two paragraphs werent good.
fix the flow bet. them
otherwise it was a good.

I kind of agree with spike71294 it didn't really seem to be in a poem format.
But, I did like this though.
It seems to tell a story which, I think was your intention and you profiled it.
I don't like how I had to scroll to see the whole poem in fact, it was quite annoying.
But anyway, I think the text was written well and I also like the story that it tells.

It's called a prose-poem, guys.

I have to agree with Snoink...the difference between the two sections startled me a little, but I'm not really sure whether or not I like it.

These are the edits I would make (bolded things are what I added):

There is a park in the heart of Paris where people go to practice dying. It is an open glade in the woods.[s], so[/s] Most people don't even know it exists. The students arrive each morning dressed in white and carrying cots and pillows and sheets as if they are preparing to set up a field hospital. Some are on the brink of death and have to be carried in. Others haven't felt [s]that[/s] the darkness descend but they want to be ready when it does. A few don't have anything else to do.
I didn't know this place existed until you told me last night[s] after dinner[/s]; you had been there before. I asked Why, though [s]what I'd[/s] I meant to [s]do was[/s] put my arms around you. You said the instructor [s]the year you had been[/s] then was from Morocco. He showed you how to [s]gently[/s] pull at the luminous threads of your soul to loosen it. Some fall asleep during the lessons. Others begin to cry. The week you were there someone actually died. You all stood over him, and the teacher had you, one by one, place your fingers on his pulse to feel how beautifully silent his blood had become. And you told me, I hope I never forget that.

I like the way you repeat the "Some...Others" in the second part. I wish you'd bring that out even a wee bit more. Where's the "few"?

-Colleen

I really really liked this, as well.

Yes it was a little hard to read...
but that made it unique.
I really liked the whole idea you had going through it.
The park, the whole "class"
where people practice dying.
Very cool, very original.

Don't change anything if you don't want to.

If you wrote it to look the way it does with the lines going across,
keep it that way. Let people scroll, it'll give them exercise.

Great job.

~Star

This is kind of like the epilogue to something I wrote just the other day.
I get this vibe that this is unedited...in other words, raw which I am very much so attracted to. In addition, the sentences run together, but I'm pretty sure this is intentional. The theme underlines the imagery and somewhat unconventional narrative very well.