Lonely Hearts-Part 2

~I'm having a hard time writing the length of the sentences. So if you could help me, that would be greatly appreciated. Enjoy!~~Edited~~

Morning

The sun is bright as it
pierces through the windows.

Morning has come.

I can only wait till I can go home.

We all wake up and hear
someone screaming loudly.
Someone is crying
outside these doors.

What could
it be?

Tears

“Gracie I'm so sorry.”
My friend's mother cries
on her husband's shoulder.

I know what has happened.
My parents are dead.
Killed.

Only falling tears down my
hot cheeks, show how I feel.

I don't want to know
how they were killed.

The tears keep on flowing
down my redden cheeks and
my eyes are swollen pink and red.

I'm so Sorry and Questions

All I hear is
“I'm so sorry Gracie.”
“Is there anything I can do for you?”
“What a tragic accident.”
“Poor girl.”
“Who will she live with now?”

I can't say anything.
All I do is cry until I can't cry
anymore.

Black

Black. It shows death. And sorrow.

I am wearing a black dress
at my parents funeral.

Everything has gone too fast.

Black. It shows emptiness.
And the loneliness I feel.

wow. i can't tell you enough how much i like this. it's like...hard to describe, because how you write little sentences always makes me want more than there is. and then it ends, and i'm like..darn!

i thought you did a good job on part 2! i'm not really one to correct grammar and stuff, but i honestly didn't find anything. i'm more the person who looks at the story. and i like it. kudos to you! i want to know how she meets this boy you were righting about in the prolouge. interesting, interesting that is. =)

I have nothing bad to say about this. Just my favorite quotes.

I don't say anything.
All I do is cry until I can't cry
anymore.

It's deep. I love it!

Black. It shows emptiness.
And the loneliness I feel.

Again, very deep. And I love deep!
It shows her feelings about the death of her parents.

I love how she doesn't want to know. It's brilliant.
Keep it up!!

So realistic, Merry. This girl’s emotions are so real, so impacting, that I can’t stop reading until the end. And I can’t help but feel bad for her, for her dead parents, for everything dark and black that is happening in her life. You are doing really well with this!

Keep it up!

The sentence thing doesn’t bother me at all. I think it’s very unquie. I noticed that some people said they had to scroll down a lot, but isn’t that what this style is?? Or maybe I just don’t know what I’m talking about…

Anyway, I like it the way it is If you want to change it, that’s you. I don’t want to influence you on what you should do.

Well, keep writing and PM me when you post more.

I think the verse lengths the previous parts of the story was better written, In this one some of the parts has become mellowed, I kind of edited to make it sound more like a poem, as I hav'nt had that much experiance with free verse, but I find it more effective if you make them shorter, especially the details around her parents death.

“Gracie I'm so sorry.”

My friend's mother cries

on her husband's shoulder.


I know what has happened.

My parents are dead.

Killed.


Only falling tears down my

hot cheeks,

show how I feel.


I don't want to know (don't sounds stronger than do not, sometimes using abbriations are better)

how they were killed.


The tears keep flowing down

my redden cheeks

and my eyes are swollen

pink and red.

I like the use of colours and imagery, when you write free verse, you can use these details, and did what you did with the prologue, giving them their own seperate line which adds the impact of it.

I [s]don't[/s] can't say anything.

All I do is cry until I can't cry

anymore.

can't would make it seem like she is too stunned to say anything, and rather than just keeping silent, the words is choking her, and so can't would make it stronger.

Black.

It shows death

And sorrow.

I am wearing a black dress
at my parents funeral.


Everything has gone [s]to[/s] too fast.

In some parts, even through you're writing in 1st person, it is still good to show some details rather than tell, to make it more intersting for the readers. e.g use 'Maybe the black dress trailed my dragged footsteps'
at my parents funeral 'instead of I am wearing a black dress'

Black.

It shows emptiness.

And the loneliness I feel.

(just changing verse lengths makes it more effective)

Keep up the good work

~Flora