It's Hard Right?

it's hard right?

It's hard to lose some one
but it's harder to see them cheat
the pain deepens
the scars remain
just put a gun on your head and pull the trigger!
do it! do it!
it's less painful i promise
but nothings free from pain
you'll feel the pain of the bullet that struck your brain
but it will only last for a second........

hiiiiii......

welcome to YWS.....
1).There's a rule over here that before you post any of your own work,you should write at least 2 reviews....but i can understand that you being a newbie didn't know about it....

2)the poem was good but i feel you could have elaborated much more.....
eg....when you wrote "just put a gun on your head and pull the trigger!!".....it seemed to be a very abrupt remark......you could have written more about the pain n cheating part n described a lot more n then given the end..(like you gave ......shooting oneself)

3)1 good point about the poem was that you succeeded in getting the reader involved......

a nice start....n hope to see you write much better from the next time.....
good luck

WELCOME TO YWS! weeeeeeeeeeee
Heya gorgeous! Erm, 'lil ground rule. In future you have to review 2 pieces of another member's work, before you can submit 1 of your own. 2:1 ratio

Let's do this thang!...

It's hard to lose some one
but it's harder to see them cheat

The metre in these first two lines was very good. It was strong and definite, all the things I like in an opening couplet. However, it does not continue - this is a problem. The structure and rhythm of your poem goes completely to pot after the opening lines. You had a beat of 6/8 not perfect, but run with it. Make the rest of your piece match. Use bizarre beat matches when you want to introduce tension.

the scars remain

I found a cliché, come on love. There are many ways of saying this. Personify it! Use an metaphor - I don't know

just put a gun on your head and pull the trigger!

Ok. Same thing as above. We here at YWS have read lines like this, no end.

do it! do it!

Nice use of direct address and repetition. I think it breaks to mood of the piece well, and signals the atmospheric shift within the end of the poem.

but it will only last for a second........

Very weak, darling. You have such a powerful subject to play with, so why not let rip? You aren't going to be in danger of overs-shadowing a piece like this with devices. It is such a strong subject matter, that you can play with some interesting techniques.


To summarize. I did think it was a good poem, but it could easily be marvellous with some choice modifications.
About poem length : I am a fan of short poetry but it is not always appropriate to use it. This poem needs to be longer. We need a narrative - to be taken on a journey!

Love
Kris
x

I think insted talk about them emotions you go through when having someone cheat on you. Show us it makes you feel. I beleive that good poems gives us emotions and picture to show how something effect something. So, I think it's best for you to rewrite the poem using what I stated.