How it was supposed to be

This was really cool. I'm not sure why the words were arranged the way they were (intentional, I'm sure) but I liked how it was sort of reflective story and a poem at the same time. I especially loved the whole part before the last comma. Somehow the part about the silly lies and dreaming stood out to me. ^^

On the whole, I don't really have any significant complaints, and just wanted to say I enjoyed this.

[s]BlackGhost[/s]

I bid you good evening, my humble and belove'ed serfs. Let me begin my review.

I thought that this poem was very clever. I am not sure of what the structure is trying it achieve though - other than make it difficult for me to read. Bleedin' dyslexia!!!
There were no punctuation errors that I could see. However, one minor point: It is not always wise to use full stops (.) in the middle of a line, it tends to fragment the flow.

You poem did have some amazing imagery, and warming sentiment. I loved the line about testing the ice, that was a lovely metaphor.

You may have a star, sir.

Love
Kris

I like the transition from lyrical to dramatic.
A beautiful story, and the imagery really holds it together.
The romantic aspect of it was also quite strong.
" I later learned my love, like a flame, had been wicked "
Best line in my opinion.

Seriously, I loved this poem.
My favorite part was

"We all have those names that break
through the veneers of sleep, the silly lies
we tell the ones we love when they ask us
what we've dreamed."

It was just a great ending. Especially the names that 'break through the veneers of sleep.'
Everything was very clever and yet had this raw-ness to it that wasn't cliche. Loved it.

A slow but sure unravelling. I appreciate how you begin with a statement of fact and authority:

Incandescence wrote:This is how it is: the love is the law

but then undermine it with imagery of artifice and cosmetics:

Incandescence wrote: and every city's applied skyliner
glosses over the difference between December
and Valentine's when we are too cool
for the thinnest parts of winter.

The past tense of

Incandescence wrote:I was sure

...is compact, effective and wistful.

You play delightfully with the language here:

Incandescence wrote: I later learned my love, like a flame, had been wicked
away by the city's coldest reaches

-- that one actually made me sit up a bit in appreciation, which rarely happens when I read poetry.

Your voice is strong and you have compelling fascinations here with light and darkness, fact and deception, retrospect and coming of age. I disagree with the posters who say they can't see why you formatted the poem as you did: to me it worked very well with what I feel you were trying to accomplish.

Having said all those nice things, this poem isn't really my cup of tea. It's cleverly enough executed, but somehow leaves me dissatisfied with its discombobulated feel and the sense that it doesn't exactly know what it's trying to say. Pretty phrases, but to me they lack a sense of unity and completion. I guess it's a function of personal taste, being as I am vehemently opposed to most modern poetry as being inaccessible, esoteric and scattered.

I thought it was a lovely poem, the kind that takes me twice to read to get the meaning, maybe because of the structure?

Through I loved the last lines

the silly lies
we tell the ones we love when they ask us
what we've dreamed.

I loved the way the ending 'what we've dreamed' is so isolated and just hangs delicately off the last part of the poem.