North Star

Be gentle. I know I'm not the best at poetry and I haven't written any in a long time, but this is a personal thing I wanted to share.

~*~

My precious light
Guiding me through life
Never wavering in brilliance
I depend on you for survival

Without you, I’m lost
Treading on dark, rocky paths
Stumbling until I fall,
Bleeding, into your arms

Your radiance fills me
Warming the chill of loneliness
Out of my bones
Out of my soul

With you, I am complete
No longer a weak figure
Unable to push past the barriers
But a strong warrior
Triumphing over the darkness
That threatens to overcome us both

I will rise above all obstacles
Lifting my face to soak in your beams
Following you, my every step is sure
And I know I cannot fail.

It's an okay start, but it didn't convey the feelings very strongly, either because you didn't understand them properly or because you were holding back. Try delving into the emotions, go a little deeper and don't hold back.

*nods* I didn't have the proper inspiration for this one. I might try reworking it later.

It's good, but you do need to expand. The whole "guiding light" thing is a bit worn-out, so I suggest that you put some personal emotions in here, more than you already have. Aside from that, good job.

*nods* Alright. I'll work on it.

The message is beautiful, but I didn't really pick up a strong feeling or emotion from this. It's not to say I don't like it, I do, but I do think that a little reworking is in order. However, I do think the vocabulary used is excellent, and maybe a little more structure would polish it.

I thought that this was good. It has a lot behind it, and the words you use are effective:

Crysi wrote:Without you, I’m lost
Treading on dark, rocky paths
Stumbling until I fall,
Bleeding, into your arms.

I like that bit, how the narrator is far from the light, but then comes back to it when they are at their lowest ebb, and is taken back in. Very good! I liked it better when I read it the second time, because I didn't fully get it the first time.

I think you should change the fourth stanza, though. You had a clear structure there before - all the previous stanzas are the same, and as this one is longer, it disrupts the flow of it a bit.

The final stanza is well done, rounding the whole thing off.

-ShadowTwit