New idea (needs title) part two

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I wrote the second part to see if this is really going somewhere. If it just sounds dumb, please tell me. Seriously, it would be great if I didn't waste my time on something no one will read. Haha, that sounds really bad but it's true.
Again, this would turn out to be a Jekyll and Hyde story so here we go.

Part two!

When we finally stopped, we had entered the small town of Whitby, England. I had meant to come here before, because of the Dracula museum and all, but my schedule left no space to wander.
We drove up a long dirt road. Past all the houses, past all the other red brick building that look exactly the same. The road curved and winded up a hill to a very large gray brick building. It was the museum, I was sure of it.
Reading my mind, Rex said, “Isn’t that a beauty?” He looked at the mansion as if he’d never really seen it, with awe and admiration.
As the road swerved around a small pond, we drove down the hill to another gray brick mansion. This one didn’t impress Rex in the least bit. His sour face made me realize he didn’t like working here anymore than I wanted to be here.
I couldn’t help feeling bad for the guy.
The house didn’t look like it has been really taken care of. The windows looked dirty, the garden was over grown with weeds and the steps were covered in crinkly old leaves.
“The doctor usually has his lectures in the back building over there.” He said, pointing to a building that looked just a smaller version of the main house.
“How often does he have lectures?” I asked, helping him unload my luggage from the trunk.
“Two to four times a weak, depending on if he’s got anything left to lecture about.” He said with a smile, but I didn’t understand his joke.
I nodded and took the last bag out of the trunk.
He led me into the house, which smelt like dirty feet and dog. Beyond the long hall that was some sort of foyer, was a main hall that led up to the grand stair case. There were a few doors to my right and left that were all closed. A hall seemed to go behind the stairs at both sides.
“Behind the stairs there,” he said, pointing down the left hall, “is the doctor’s study, the loo and the conservatory.” Then he pointed to the right hall. “That there is the kitchen. Prudence should be in there now. Prudence is the cook. Lynette and Maggie do most of the cleaning. You’ll be bunking with Maggie.” He said, starting up the stairs.
“I have to share a room?” I said, skeptically following Rex.
“Now, Brant,” he continued, “stocks the lab with all of its necessities, along with being the butler whenever we have real guests. But, as you can imagine, besides his pupils, the doctor doesn’t get many visitors.”
“That’s a shame,” I said quietly, “I love meeting new people.”
Upstairs, there was only one hall to all the doors and it surrounded the stairs. There had to be at least eight doors. Rex led me straight across and put my bags by the door then turned to the other rooms.
Starting at our left he pointed and said, “Prudence and Lynette’s room. The first guest room, which of course, is never used. That one by the window there is Doctor Jekyll’s room.” There was a small window sill between the doctor’s room and the room he pointed to next. “That is the second master bedroom, but no one uses it. Then it’s the second guest room and then of course, Mr. Poole’s room which has to be the biggest. Right next to your room is my and Brant’s room.” He started to walk away but turned back to me. “You might want to check in the Mr. Poole. He should be in his room.”
Then Rex left me to go down the stairs. I turned to my door and opened it. The room reminded me of a college dorm, with the two single beds at each side of the room. One side decorated with your roommate’s things while your side is plain and white. An invitation to spread your individuality.
I threw my bags on my bed and then sat down. Maggie’s side of the room was very purple. Her quilt was purple, some through pillows were different shades of purple, and the small lap shade beside her bed was purple. Yeesh, I thought to myself, of all the colors to be obsessed with, why purple? I unpacked my cloths first. The small dresser, which was intended for me—the lack of purple tipped me off—only had five drawers and some of my cloths didn’t fit. I left my lesser nice cloths in the suit cases and shoved them under my bed.
I brought a few photos from hope and put them on the dresser. One was of Alyssa Milano and me at the Emmy Awards. The others were of my family, well, all except my mother and father. I wouldn’t want to be reminded of the reason I’m here every day.
I heard footsteps right outside my door and I went to investigate. There was an old woman holding linens going into the doctor’s room.
“Hi,” I said a little loud.
She turned to me, wide eyed, “Who are you?” She asked. I was half expecting her to have an English accent like Rex, but instead she was French.
“I’m Samantha,” I studied her expression, and she didn’t acknowledge who I was, “from America.” She still seemed clueless. “The alcoholic!” I said, my voice sounded harsh with impatience.
Her eye brows raised and her mouth went into the shape of an ‘O.’ Here we go, I thought to myself.
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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Wow Jasmine! A great part 2, as I told you in part 1: Keep Writing! A few grammatical mistakes here and there but all in all a great follow-up from the first part.

Favourite line: “I have to share a room?” I said, skeptically following Rex.

The character of Samantha really shines through in this one sentence, it made me giggle anyway :D




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jasmine12 wrote:I wrote the second part to see if this is really going somewhere. If it just sounds dumb, please tell me. Seriously, it would be great if I didn't waste my time on something no one will read. Haha, that sounds really bad but it's true.


It does NOT sound dumb, in fact it is a totally promising story. Oh, by the way, if you need any info on England or how English people behave then tell me, I kind of think I'm a primary source, seeing as I live in the dreary old country. :D Oh yeah, brace yourselves because I've done a really detailed critique, coz I"m bored and have no life :D


Reading my mind, Rex said, “Isn’t that a beauty?” He looked at the mansion as if he’d never really seen it, with awe and admiration.


Rephrase: "Rex must have read my mind. An awed look on his face, he remarked, "Isn't that a beauty?" (It's cause awe and admiration is a bit redundant.)


I couldn’t help feeling bad for the guy.


This is good and highlights the fact that she's American. It's important to always remind the reader who the MC is. And obviously, a British person wouldn't talk like that. Heh. They'd probably say something like, "I could not help feeling sorry for my companion, as I surveyed his downcast, piteous face."
Whoah. That was waaay over the top, but you get me :wink:


The house didn’t look like it has been really taken care of.


Tense problem. "The house didn't look like it had really been taken care of." I've changed 'has' to 'had'. Athough, I think this sentence needs to be strenghtened, as it's a bit weak. Maybe try, "The ancient house had obviously been neglected for quite some time." Or something along those lines.


The windows looked dirty, the garden was over grown with weeds and the steps were covered in crinkly old leaves.

This is a good description, you're really good at giving just the right amount of description, by the way. I unfortunately always have the problem of forcing adjectives down the readers throat :lol:


“The doctor usually has his lectures in the back building over there.” He said, pointing to a building that looked just a smaller version of the main house.


Edit: "The doctor usually holds his lectures in the back building, over there," he said, pointing at a building which looked like a smaller version of the main house.


“Two to four times a weak, depending on if he’s got anything left to lecture about.” He said with a smile, but I didn’t understand his joke. I nodded and took the last bag out of the trunk.


Edit: "Two to four times a week, depending on whether there's anything remaining for him to lecture about," he said, grinning mischievously. I smiled back though I did not understand his joke, and lifted the last bag out of the trunk."


Beyond the long hall that was some sort of foyer, was a main hall that led up to the grand stair case.


Staircase is one word.

There were a few doors to my right and left that were all closed. A hall seemed to go behind the stairs at both sides.


This is a bit clunky but you've done well as it's quite a hard couple of sentences to construct. I can't think of how you could redo this first sentence, but for the second,try , "A hall seemed to lead behind each side of the staircase." I'm not sure whether that helps at all.


“Behind the stairs there,” he said, pointing down the left hall, “is the doctor’s study, the loo and the conservatory.”


I'm not sure whether he would say 'loo', it all seems rather formal. He'd probably just say, "the bathroom." English people in ancient old houses living with doctors tend to be quite reserved. Oh yes, and for the first clause, edit: "There, behind the stairs,"


“That there is the kitchen.


"that there" makes it seem a bit clunky. Maybe try, "The kitchen is over there."

Prudence should be in there now. Prudence is the cook.


Edit: "Prudence should be in there now - she is the cook."

Lynette and Maggie do most of the cleaning. You’ll be bunking with Maggie.” He said, starting up the stairs.


Edit: "Lynette and Maggie do most of the cleaning here. You'll be bunking with Maggie," he added, and started climbing the stairway.

“I have to share a room?” I said, skeptically following Rex.


Edit: "I raised my eyebrows. "I have to share a room?" I asked, hastily following Rex.

“Now, Brant,” he continued, “stocks the lab with all of its necessities, along with being the butler whenever we have real guests. But, as you can imagine, besides his pupils, the doctor doesn’t get many visitors.”


This is a good paragraph. Before, it, put something like, "Rex ignored my question, and continued his running commentary," or something like that.

Upstairs, there was only one hall to all the doors and it surrounded the stairs. There had to be at least eight doors.


Edit: "Upstairs, there was one long hall leading to at least eight doors."

Rex led me straight across and put my bags by the door then turned to the other rooms.


I think we need more background on the character. What is her reaction at seeing the house - is it awe or disgust or curiosity? How does she feel towards Rex? How is the house compared to what she is used to living in? Oh yes, and I"ve edited this sentence, "Rex led me straight across the hallway and dumped my bags unceremoniously by one of the doors." You don't need the 'turned to the other rooms.'

There was a small window sill between the doctor’s room and the room he pointed to next.


Edit,"There was a small window sill seperating the doctor's room and the next room that Rex pointed to.

“That is the second master bedroom, but no one uses it. Then it’s the second guest room and then of course, Mr. Poole’s room which has to be the biggest. Right next to your room is my and Brant’s room.” He started to walk away but turned back to me. “You might want to check in the Mr. Poole. He should be in his room.”


Leave in the "Mr Poole's bit," but I really think you don't need this much description about where each room is. If it's not going to be important to the story, then take it out. Basically, take anything out that isn't moving the story along, and concentrate more on your MC's feelings and reaction's towards the house. We need something to make us relate to her.



Then Rex left me to go down the stairs. I turned to my door and opened it. The room reminded me of a college dorm, with the two single beds at each side of the room.


This is a good opportunity to do some more character developement. She mention's college - how does this relate to her? Throw in a memory or an insight. Anything that will get us to know your character better.
Here's my edit, "Rex spoke for a few more minutes and then retreated back down the stairs, leaving me standing outside the room, a mound of luggage at my feet. I turned around and opened the door to the room where I would be staying. It was a small room and had two single beds at each side, which reminded me of a college dorm."



One side decorated with your roommate’s things while your side is plain and white. An invitation to spread your individuality.


Good :D very good.

I threw my bags on my bed and then sat down.


Here's my edit. I forget to quote the whole thing I was editing, but you'll get it soon enough :D

I lugged my bags into the room, panting with every step, and then flopped down on my bed. Observing the room, I noticed that Maggie’s side was very purple. Her quilt was a deep mauve, some of the pillows were lilac, and the small lamp shade beside her bed was a shade of plum.



I unpacked my cloths first. The small dresser, which was intended for me—the lack of purple tipped me off—only had five drawers and some of my cloths didn’t fit. I left my lesser nice cloths in the suit cases and shoved them under my bed.


Edit, "I unpacked my clothes first. There was a small white dresser at the side of the bed, obviously intended for me. It was smaller than Maggie's and only had five drawers. I tried to stuff my clothes inside but was still left with a stack of trousers and shirts outside. Biting my lip with annoyance, I dumped the redundant clothes in my suitcases, and shoved them under the bed. [/quote]

I brought a few photos from hope and put them on the dresser.


I don't get what you mean by, "a few photos from hope."

The others were of my family, well, all except my mother and father. I wouldn’t want to be reminded of the reason I’m here every day.


Yay :D Finally some intrigue and character developement. Now the reader wants to continue reading to find out WHY exactly she's at the place. Small edit: "of the reason I was here every day." Watch those tenses :D

There was an old woman holding linens going into the doctor’s room.


Edit: "There was an old woman holding a stack of linen. She was walking towards the doctor's room."

“Hi,” I said a little loud.


Edit, "Hi", I said, mentally slapping myself when I realised how loudly I'd spoken.

She turned to me, wide eyed, “Who are you?” She asked. I was half expecting her to have an English accent like Rex, but instead she was French.


She turned to me, wide eyed. "Who are you?" she asked, eyeing me suspiciously. I was expecting her to have an English accent, like Rex. When I heard her speak, I was surprised to discover she was French.



“I’m Samantha,” I studied her expression, and she didn’t acknowledge who I was, “from America.” She still seemed clueless. “The alcoholic!” I said, my voice sounded harsh with impatience.


Yay! More character developement! Edit, "I'm Samantha," I said, studying her expression. Her face remained blank when she heard the name. "I'm from America?" Her eyes stayed unflickering and I felt a twinge of annoyance. "The alcoholic!" I snapped, my voice harsh with impatience.

Her eye brows raised and her mouth went into the shape of an ‘O.’


Eyebrows is one word.



This is great! This is totally, totally great!!!!

Yay for Jasmine!

I hope you didn't think I was being harsh, I was just trying to help you out.

Dang, I wish I'd written this.

Please write more. Concentrate on this now. I see real promise. Just work on character developement a lot. Oh yeah, and I hope we'll get one of those chapters where she's exploring the house and makes a strange discovery or something. I love those scenes :D
Had I the heavens embroider'd cloths,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I being poor, have only my dreams,
So tread softly, for you tread on my life.



i like that the title of dr jekyll and mr hyde makes a clear stance that the embodiment of one’s own evil doesn’t get a claim to the doctorate
— waywardxwallflower