White Lines

White Lines

Is it worth it?
Now? Tomorrow?
Thoughts of question flow.
As a river of fear makes the nerves quiver
with a rush of desire.

The devil himself,
cheers from the sidelines.
An apple bitten,
Oh!
So many time again.
All morals tainted, self control
Failed.

Temptation leads.
Evil delivers.
If one wins, the other
will lose…

Desire fades to revulsion.
Today one walks away,
a winner.

Back to hell!
One less soul hoped.
For today,
One lives tomorrow.

I did like this, it's pretty good, it flows well & it's nice to read. I just have a couple things - for starters, I'm not entirely sure what the subject of the piece is - tempation in general, lust, or something else? If it is something specific, I suggest making that a little more clear to the reader.

With the first paragraph, I'm not all that sure that it fits that well with the rest of the piece, for some reason. That could just be me, but I think maybe the second to last line needs to be altered a little, I think the rhyming comes off as a bit juvinille in comparision to the rest of the writing.

One less soul hoped.

This line doesn't really make much sense to me, gramatically. Might it be something like "one less soul helped", or "one less soul hopes"?

Other than that, I don't see many problems. It's a good piece and with a little tweaking you've got yourself something pretty original. :]

Good job.

Let me just start by saying I do like your writing, specifically your choice of words. However, I found this poem to be slightly contradictory, and a little confusing. I'm assuming, with the title being "White Lines," that you're speaking of a drug addiction? If that's the case, the last three verses of the poem are what confused me:

Dark Star wrote:
Temptation leads.
Evil delivers.
If one wins, the other
will lose…

Desire fades to revulsion.
Today one walks away,
a winner.

Back to hell!
One less soul hoped.
For today,
One lives tomorrow.

That first verse didn't make much sense to me. "Temptation leads. Evil delivers. If one wins, the other will lose." If temptation wins, evil will lose? Aren't temptation and evil essentially on the same team here? I don't know, I just didn't really get it. Also, that verse, along with the all the lines that preceded it, make it seem like the user gave in to his/her addiction, or demon, or whatever you want to refer to it as. But then in the next verse:

Dark Star wrote:Desire fades to revulsion.
Today one walks away,
a winner.

When I read this, it feels like this person stepped out of themselves and felt disgusted, finally mustering up the courage to say "No," hence the line, "Today one walks away a winner." But in the very next line--your last verse--it states, "Back to hell!" as if in regression, which contradicts itself. I could be completely wrong here, but I have to agree with "swaysway" in the opinion that the line "One less soul hoped" doesn't really make sense, which makes the whole last verse not really make sense. Does that make sense?

But other than that--I mean all I'm really saying here is maybe try and make the message a little clearer? Otherwise you'd have a very well-written poem and, again as swaysway said before me, a very original piece, which is something to be proud of. On the whole though, good job! I would definitely enjoy reading more of your work.

"back to hell"...this verse is directed to the "devil" that is mentioned earlier. its saying that i wont do this so go back to where you came from kindda deal.

"one less soul hoped"...is also in relation to the devil. if you do drugs then you sell your soul. so this is the feeling the devil feels, that he lost, that he has failed and that hes going to hell without the soul he had "hoped" to get.


anyways thanks so much for your comments. plz pm if oyu have any questions.

Dark Star wrote:White Lines

Is it worth it?
Now? Tomorrow?
Thoughts of question flow.
As a river of fear makes the nerves quiver
with a rush of desire.>>>this is one of those awesome lines keep it.

The devil himself,
cheers from the sidelines.
An apple bitten,>>>I liked how you used this.
Oh!
So many time again.
All morals tainted, self control
Failed.>>>Best paragraph f the year lol

Temptation leads.
Evil delivers.
If one wins, the other
will lose…

Desire fades to revulsion.
Today one walks away,
a winner.

Back to hell!
One less soul hoped.
For today,
One lives tomorrow.

_______

DS!!! I love this it's so awesome!! I know I just totally distroyed your poem but hey what are friends for? haha anyways yep I understood it nad you put so much emotion and soul into it... I'm jealous.

your friend as always
-Max

I really liked this poem. It flowed very well, and you had the right choice of words.
I was sort of confused on if the person being portrayed fell into temptation or if he walked away a winner, as you said in the second to last line,

Desire fades to revulsion.

Today one walks away,

a winner.


Maybe you can make that point a little more clear...but other than that,
I loved it!!!!