Who We Are

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Who We Are
By Judith G.

When you're a kid you have many dreams.
You want to be famous,
you want to be great.
When you grow up and see life the way it really is,
you can wait.
You can wait until the trees lose their leaves in the fall,
When the sun goes down for yet another dark night.
You can wait until the birds finish their singing for good,
Even until the end of summer.
But what are you waiting for?
The childhood dreams to wash ashore?
Your childhood dreams to come true?
The dreams to shape who you are?
In life we fall down hard-sometimes too hard.
It's our job to not let failure to ruin the person we are,
because everyone goes through rough spots
and we have to try to stay unscarred.
Everyone is good at something.
Everyone is special in their own way.
Remember that.







I hope you liked it, it's getting published in a poem collection by polarexpress publishing, i thought that i would get your opinion and see what everyone thinks! :D




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Hello, welcome to YWS! :) I'd like to remind you that here we operate a 2:1 ratio, that is, for every piece of writing we post, we first critique two pieces of work by someone else. Now, onto our poem!

"It's our job to not let failure to ruin the person we are," - the second "to" in this line makes the sentence not make sense.
Besides that, it was okay. I mean, I could have written it, and by that, I mean I couldn't really hear you in it. I would like to hear your own original voice, to make it sound more unique - describing things in an original way. Also, the last three lines make it sound slightly preachy. Despite that, I do like the way you talk about the different seasons and the birds, and "childhood dreams to wash ashore". These were nice. Keep writing, I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Matt.




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Firstly well done. There are many aspects of this that were really good, especially the first section. It immediately draws you in.
With the first bit, I'd just like to suggest the addition of a semi colon after the word...'dreams' in the first line.
also, have you ever thought of novel writing? Because i think this poem has the basis that could give it that extra push to become a deeper kind of story with a meaning to it. Either way, this is a great piece of text!
Well done :)



No person can be a great leader unless he takes genuine joy in the successes of those under him.
— W. A. Nance