Pass Her By

I want to know you;
More than I know myself,
My hometown. My own body.

I want to touch your fleeting skin;
Feel your warmth against
My icy cool. Surge your life -
All of it, every bit -
Into my veins.

I want to be your eyes;
Miserably mysterious. Grey.
Time to open those windows;
Let your soul soar -
Only for me.

I want to be your memories;
Both happy and heartbreaking
Because all memories count.

I want to be your heart;
The very thing you depend on,
Rely on. Trust to keep you working -
Keep that clock ticking.

But most of all?
I want to be us.
So look my way, just for a second.
For a lifetime.
Stranger.

For being a Jounor Writter, How are you taking little memories like this one and doing so little with it. C'on you can do alot better then this.

Line by Line

I want to know you; I don't think the semi-colon is good here. It splits it weirdly and breaks up the flow of the words.
More than I know myself,
My hometown. My own body. I like this though, the use of the two short sentences. Very effective.

I want to touch your fleeting skin;
Feel your warmth against
My icy cool. Surge your life -
All of it, every bit - I don't like this line much though. It just feels tacked in, in a bad way.
Into my veins.

I want to be your eyes;
Miserably mysterious. Grey. I don't like the alliteration here much. Miserably is a clumsy word, I might like it better if it was "miserable, mysterious" or something less wordy sounding seeing as the rest of the words you've chosen in this poem are quite consise. Which I think matches with "my icy cool"
Time to open those windows;
Let your soul soar -
Only for me.

I want to be your memories;
Both happy and heartbreaking
Because all memories count. This sounds a bit cliche to me.

I want to be your heart;
The very thing you depend on,
Rely on. Trust to keep you working -
Keep that clock ticking.

But most of all?
I want to be us.
So look my way, just for a second.
For a lifetime.
Stranger. I like this part a lot though. It's almost a bit sinister

Overall
I like this one actually, and love poems quite a lot of the time just make me annoyed because they're so sentimental and dull. I guess the reason I like it is because it has something different, the distance and the longing is more sort of sad and sinister (with the use of "stranger") than it would have been it if it was just a regular look at me I love you sort of poem. It has an edge that I like.

A few of the lines were a bit cliche, I thought only the parts from "I want to be your memories" to "keep that clock ticking" just because of memories and hearts... that sort of imagery is used to death, especially in love poems. I don't think you did it badly, the way you use the images is nice, it's just been done before.

Your punctuation is quite complex. A semi-colon is fine once in a while but you use them here all the time, and while they may be correct in the sentence, I think it's a bit clogging and unweildly to use semi-colons a lot in poetry because they stand out and break up the flow, add too much reality to the reading. That's really just my opinion though.

Anyway, that's enough chattering. I like this one =] I gave it a star.

nice poem. =) i think for this subject though, it really needs to stand out. there are sooooo many poems out there about relationships, love, etc. so if you ever want to make it as a writer you have to make your work go pow! just like that. for example, read suzan's "into the dark". its amazing. i know its not a poem but seriously thats the kind of thing it has to be. it has to stand out, and it has to be really good. but you're getting there. nice going.

I want to know you;

--The use of a colon doesn't make much sense here.

My hometown. My own body.

--I would change this to My hometown, my own body, because you are listing things, yes? So it should all be one sentence.

I want to touch your fleeting skin;

--Sounds good, but I'm not sure how skin can be fleeting.

All of it, every bit -

--Half of this line seems a little superfluous. It doesn't matter which half, as they're both saying the same thing, so I would get rid of half.

Miserably mysterious. Grey.

--Miserable doesn't make the person seem very attractive, or someone you might want to get to know. You'll have to say something to convince me more about his eyes here.

Time to open those windows;

--Slightly cliché.

So look my way, just for a second.
For a lifetime.

--I would change these full stops to commas.

I like how the last line kind of sums up the situation. A few tweaks here and there, and this could be very good, it has great potential. Keep writing.

I like it. It was great. It really had a deep meaning. About an attraction and the about the person's soul, life or existence. And it shows the persons love. It was really beautiful and mysterious.

I really loved the part about,

I want to touch your fleeting skin;
Feel your warmth against
My icy cool. Surge your life -
All of it, every bit -
Into my veins.

his desire to be with her. I really loved it.

I didn't find any mistake, grammatical or spelling. So, it was a really great poem.

Well done.