Strangers

Eyes shut in the hopeless attempt to drown your voice out
La la la – I don’t even know you
Sleeping, dreaming, for a hundred years or more
Piles of waste in a land of irises and bumblebees
Bombs dropping on innocent freshmen
No one is moving or even screaming
I don’t want to stay in love with you
Or at home with mindless robots
Jazz hands confuse me
And all of the dogs are barking at unknown accents
Sorry, I don’t know what the “Fifth” is
Up here, I see the world
Miserable and teeming with impertinence
Coffee steadies me
Then I hear the sound of my name

Do I know you?

I liked the individual lines, but all together it was-as you said-chaotic. There wasn't much that made sense. I kind of got the feeling that the narrator was thinking about him/herself from years past and looking back on those times, but I'm not sure. The imagery is great, but I don't know whatit's all supposed to mean when it comes together.

Hey, dailystatic!

First of all, I just got to say that you're supposed to do two or more reviews before posting any of your own work. That is just because then you will help also others and not just yourself. Reviewing is actually kind of fun, really, so don't be afraid of it!

Then, to the poem. Although it was somehow chaotic, there was something about it that I really liked. I tend to like weird things and bitterness, and there was enough of both of them. I feel like you're really writing this because of someone real – not just making up "you" and all the thoughts the narrator has for the "you".

The structure was a little random, but I'll let it be for now. There was a few lines that, in my opinion, are too straight-forward:

I don’t want to stay in love with you

Or at home with mindless robots

That, for me, breaks the atmosphere and thus this was my least favourite part of the poem. My favourite was this one:

La la la – I don’t even know you

I just love the la la la.

Also, the reference to Sleeping Beauty (sleeping for a hundred years) might not have been intentional, but I still liked it.

So, I think what you should do is this: Balance the lines a little, so there wouldn't be really many "long line - short line" bits. By this, I mean lines that are not equally long. For me, that's a little disturbing, you see.

I hope to see more of you!


Demeter xxx

Thanks for the feedback!

It was just a little poem that I started writing randomly and was done with after five minutes, but I ended up liking it and thought you guys might get a kick dissecting it.

I was going for a little bit of chaos. It's the whole, "I have no idea what this means" type of thing. Sounds silly, but whatever. You're not supposed to really understand it, just what this touch of chaos means to you.

And yes, Demeter, it was totally a reference to Sleeping Beauty. I'm obsessed with fairy tales and anything involving them. And the la-la-la part is my favorite as well. Thanks guys!

hmmm... these words seem like there sopoesed to have meaning but there too flat.. and this poem is very unique.. you show much understanding about the world...im all for a good poem about finding meaning and understanding but i think you need more umph to it. you have so much potentional! keep it up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I liked it a lot. It was pretty chaotic just as you said it would be but i did like it so much.

I saw a couple of messages in the poem which i don't know if it was intentional but i thought that it was deep. That and because of the chaosness it did make you take a deeper look into a true meaning which was much better for viewers.

Line By Line

Eyes shut in the hopeless attempt to drown your voice out
I would change "the" to "a" just because it sounds better to me.

La la la – I don’t even know you
I love the lalala, it's pretty random but I just like it a lot. Random things in poetry is something I like ^__^

Sleeping, dreaming, for a hundred years or more
Piles of waste in a land of irises and bumblebees
Lovely images, I like these two lines a lot.

Bombs dropping on innocent freshmen
I don't like the word freshmen much. I guess cus I'm English it sounds weird and corny-american... that could just be me?

No one is moving or even screaming
I don’t want to stay in love with you
These two lines are great =]

Or at home with mindless robots
I said before I like random stuff, but this is so random is sounds weird and I don't get it.

Jazz hands confuse me
And all of the dogs are barking at unknown accents
Sorry, I don’t know what the “Fifth” is
I sort of feel like these two are in-jokes or references to things I don't understand. Jazz hands remind me of that movie Bring It On ^_~ but maybe it's something to do with not being a very good dancer! I don't really know. And I read somewhere that dogs have accents, is that what you're referencing? Whatever it is you're trying to say, I don't know what it is, it's too obscure.

Up here, I see the world
Miserable and teeming with impertinence
Coffee steadies me
Then I hear the sound of my name
These are much easier to relate to. I like especially "coffee steadies me" - I don't know why that just makes me happy =]

Do I know you?
Great ending.

Overall
I like this poem a lot, as I said before I really do like random free-verse poetry. Stuff that's just written as a train of thought without a strict structure, sometimes I think it's the most honest sort of poetry. I get this impression from your poem =] it's written by you and it's personal to you. I'd like to know what's going on a bit more as a reader, just because that's my role in it, but writing personal poetry is fine too.

Your way with words is great, I love the images and the language you use. Very vivid and lovely.

I like your style of writing a lot.

It’s a good poem on the whole; however I think there are a couple of things that need changing:

First of all the way the sentences have no space between them kinda hits you in the face,.

Second: “Sorry, I don’t know what the “Fifth” is” didn’t make much sense to me and seemed a little random (forgive the "" Im still not sure how to quote :S)


Well that’s it from me, well done though

andiminlovegalore - I hope I spelled your name right, and that 'spelled' is ok to use in that sentence instead of 'spelt' since they are interchangeable here. You are awesome.

I think that 'a' instead of 'the' would definitely be better. I'm a very 'sound-oriented' writer. A lot of the middle is kind-of culture oriented (I like the word oriented today) so I get what you're saying.

Basically, I did just type random things that were going on in my backyard. "Jazz hands' obviously weren't happening unless my dog suddenly became human and I was unaware of it at the time, but I just wanted to create a few images that are quick, in your face, and totally made no sense, but still conveying this sense of a certain society (Yes, Bring It On..)

"Dogs barking at unknown accents" refers to both the animal and people as these feral creatures that just argue/yell at things they don't understand. And its also another ploy to get in the images of this culture (accents are seen as very superior, sophisticated, basically cool here... and I'm sure people will disagree with me on that.)



Runelord-- I don't know how to quote either. haha! The 'I don't know what the 'fifth' is' just is a random way to say that the narrator has NO idea what they're doing, they don't even know the basics of their society.