The Legend of the Sainted One

There was this one
Supposedly sainted
Amidst all the rest
Who were thoroughly tainted

And all he wanted
Was for the world to be pure
Unfortunately for some
Evil was too strong a lure

He watched in horror
as some tried to run
but before darkness’ embrace
they fell away from the Son

He could hardly help them
As they were their own
They were hidden from the light
And he was all alone

And soon enough
Their came that aching pain
Brought on by loneliness
Darkness seeping into his brain

There was a clasp of thunder
And the furies began to rage
So immense was the noise
He had to fight to stay sane

And those he once knew
Harkened to Lucifer’s call
Fueled by the darkness
They were fully enthralled

And it seemed to him
They worsened by the day
They spurned companionship
They pushed friendship out the way

Good was extinct
And there was no such thing as love
Black crows took the place
of pure white doves


His heart beat fast
And he fell upon his knees
Evil in the midst
The hounds of hell to be freed

They tried to take him
Knowing he was the last one
Their vision distorted
they looked to have a little fun

They came to him
Making impossible demands
And he must have gone mad
For he extended his right hand…

You tell me
What was a little boy to do?
Cut off from the world
What more could he lose?

No one in this world
Cared for serenity
Nor peace, nor love
So why should he?

His world shattered
His wishes and dreams down the drain
His soul was in turmoil
His heart was pumping pain

This little boy
Who believed candyland was a true place
Suddenly had the full force
Of the world’s cruelty to face

He took the dark path
And joined his false friends
This was the beginning
(and even now its not the end!)

Many countless deeds of darkness
He did
Many wrong things
He participated in



He danced with demons
And soon was darker than the rest
At all things evil
He was the best

He topped all the baddies
Became worse than all his peers
With an insatiable hunger
He fed on their fears

He grew up mighty
Punishing the world with his rage
But nothing could hold him
No earthly cage

Now everyone was bad
Some fueled by jealousy and spite
But for this one kid
There was more to this fight

The rage was strong
And not without reason
Repeatedly cast out
After every season

How could they hate him
This traitorous world?
They had made him this way
His full anger now unfurled

Was there no justice?
Was no one kind?
Where was the comfort?
The peace of mind?

Could not this world
In all its hatred
Find in this boy
Something to be sated?

Amidst the light
He was rejected and spurned
Amidst the darkness
With harsh words he was burned


In a pool of nothing
There he lie
Hopelessly alone
He was left to die

He thought over
The life that he’d led
Of which all throughout
Not a tear did he shed

He could’ve been a kitten
That would have been grand
Or on the beach
A single grain of sand

A beautiful flower
He might have made
But look at him now
At death’s door he was laid

And he asked God
Why this had all happened to him
His life had started off so good
Now it was ending awfully grim

He remembered when
He was just a care free boy
Full of innocent excitement
Full of boundless joy

Climbing trees
Planting popcorn in the yard
Singing on the playground
Collecting pokemon cards

Not a hint of family
To call his own
He accepted everyone
But the feeling was not mutual

It had to be his fault
There was no one else to charge
Heartache was all he knew
This so called “love” was still at large


Back to reality
He asked the Lord to take his life
Since he was such a hindrance
He sought to end everyone’s strife

To be in a host of angels
In the presence of the Christ!
To leave behind the evils of the world
And walk toward the light!

He said “take me away
I’m not wanted at all here”
And for the first time in his life
He shed his first tears

He held no grudges
Against the pain caused by you and I
He said if it would only help one person
He would gladly die

Then a voice from Heaven
Told him what to do
That he could do more good on this planet
And nothing was further from the truth

So he picked himself up
From where he was on the ground
And he stood bold against the world
And took a few looks around

There were many like he
Who felt defeated and betrayed
And he felt he could help at least a few
So now he was glad that he had stayed

He still doesn’t know what love is
But that’s not important here you see
He’s going to make a change
Because the world is in great need

He’ll still be spurned and burned
And heavenly ignored
But its not fame and recognition
That he’s fighting for

He aims to save a world
That cares little for his deeds
Homeless people across the land
He looks to clothe and feed

Maybe he could’ve been “normal”
Whatever that’s supposed to mean
But he would’ve been like all the rest
Trying to get famous on some sports team

He’ll take this life
One of sure solitude
He’ll shove his pain in a corner
And he will whistle a soft tune

And if he ever
Sees you full of sorrow
He’ll remember a hurt little boy…
And will aim to help you tomorrow.

Wow, what a powerful poem! Not many poems hold my attention, but this one did all the way through! Great job!

He watched in horror
as some tried to run
but before darkness’ embrace
they fell away from the Son

I didn't quite get this verse. Maybe try rewording it a bit?

And soon enough
Their came that aching pain
Brought on by loneliness
Darkness seeping into his brain

Replace 'Their' with 'There'

There was a clasp of thunder
And the furies began to rage
So immense was the noise
He had to fight to stay sane

Clap of thunder? Doesn't clasp mean to grab? or hold?

Wow, what a powerful poem! Not many poems hold my attention, but this one did all the way through! Great job!

Quote:
He watched in horror
as some tried to run
but before darkness’ embrace
they fell away from the Son

I didn't quite get this verse. Maybe try rewording it a bit?
Quote:
And soon enough
Their came that aching pain
Brought on by loneliness
Darkness seeping into his brain

Replace 'Their' with 'There'
Quote:
There was a clasp of thunder
And the furies began to rage
So immense was the noise
He had to fight to stay sane

Clap of thunder? Doesn't clasp mean to grab? or hold?

Wow, what a powerful poem! Not many poems hold my attention, but this one did all the way through! Great job!

Quote:
He watched in horror
as some tried to run
but before darkness’ embrace
they fell away from the Son

I didn't quite get this verse. Maybe try rewording it a bit?
Quote:
And soon enough
Their came that aching pain
Brought on by loneliness
Darkness seeping into his brain

Replace 'Their' with 'There'
Quote:
There was a clasp of thunder
And the furies began to rage
So immense was the noise
He had to fight to stay sane

Clap of thunder? Doesn't clasp mean to grab? or hold?

Sometimesinbetween Posted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 7:57 pm Post subject:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wow, what a powerful poem! Not many poems hold my attention, but this one did all the way through! Great job!

Quote:
He watched in horror
as some tried to run
but before darkness’ embrace
they fell away from the Son

I didn't quite get this verse. Maybe try rewording it a bit?
Quote:
And soon enough
Their came that aching pain
Brought on by loneliness
Darkness seeping into his brain

Replace 'Their' with 'There'
Quote:
There was a clasp of thunder
And the furies began to rage
So immense was the noise
He had to fight to stay sane

Clap of thunder? Doesn't clasp mean to grab? or hold?

Wow, what a powerful poem! Not many poems hold my attention, but this one did all the way through! Great job!

He watched in horror
as some tried to run
but before darkness’ embrace
they fell away from the Son

I didn't quite get this verse. Maybe try rewording it a bit?

And soon enough
Their came that aching pain
Brought on by loneliness
Darkness seeping into his brain

Replace 'Their' with 'There'

There was a clasp of thunder
And the furies began to rage
So immense was the noise
He had to fight to stay sane

'Clap' of thunder maybe? Doesn't clasp mean to grab? or hold?

His heart beat fast
And he fell upon his knees
Evil in the midst
The hounds of hell to be freed

Try 'And he fell 'to' his knees' It seems to flow a little better (for me anyway!)

They tried to take him
Knowing he was the last one
Their vision distorted
they looked to have a little fun

This verse has some problems. For the second line, it has one to many syllables. Same thing with the last line. For the last one, try 'They looked to have some fun' If you didn't have the ryhme I would suggest taking out 'one' in the second line. But...

You tell me
What was a little boy to do?
Cut off from the world
What more could he lose?

I liked this.

His world shattered
His wishes and dreams down the drain
His soul was in turmoil
His heart was pumping pain

I would take out 'was' in the last line.

He grew up mighty
Punishing the world with his rage
But nothing could hold him
No earthly cage

I would change 'Punishing' to 'Punished'

Was there no justice?
Was no one kind?
Where was the comfort?
The peace of mind?

I really like this.

He thought over
The life that he’d led
Of which all throughout
Not a tear did he shed

Nice wording!

He could’ve been a kitten
That would have been grand
Or on the beach
A single grain of sand

A beautiful flower
He might have made
But look at him now
At death’s door he was laid

Excellent!

He’ll shove his pain in a corner
And he will whistle a soft tune

This was good!

And if he ever
Sees you full of sorrow
He’ll remember a hurt little boy…
And will aim to help you tomorrow.

Great closing verse! The only other problem I had with it, is that you punctated some of it, and not the rest. Otherwise this was excellent!
-Sometimes-

that was really good. It was wierd how it switched from sounding like it was set in a mythological place, to being set in someting more modern and then back again, and it may be just me. But it was extremely well writen.

As ridersofdamar pointed out, this does seem to clash a bit. I was expecting a sort of gothic, historical theme, and then you start mentioning popcorn and pokemon cards. It's great that you want the poem to have a happy ending, but try to keep the same theme that you had at the beginning. Talking about modern day things ruins that. Poems generally don't like switching themes, it ruins their flow. And poetry is based on its flow.

Climbing trees
Planting popcorn in the yard
Singing on the playground
Collecting pokemon cards

It's really only this verse that messes up the whole poem's feeling. And it isn't even necessary. You were giving examples of how he used to be as a child, but you don't need to do that. You already said he was "full of boundless joy" and "innocent excitement." I suggest just taking this verse out all together, but of course it's up to you. You might want to change it, at the very least, to something less modern day. You could simply say "playing in the yard" or whatever else.

Not a hint of family
To call his own
He accepted everyone
But the feeling was not mutual

This verse stands out to me. It doesn't rhyme like all the others. In addition to that, it doesn't make a lot of sense. I had to pause and reread it to understand fully. And you never want your read to hesitate. It ruins the flow, and like I said before, flow is one of the most important aspects of poetry.

Well, besides that, I really like this poem! It had me hooked the moment I started reading, and I couldn't help but finish it! Good job!

Best Regards~
Doctor

This was okay. It was a lot of contradictions. Sometimes it rhymed, sometimes it didn't. Sometimes it seemed to take place in modern times, sometimes it seemed like a world of old. It was, however, very, very long, too much so. It would almost be better as a surreal piece of fiction than a poem.

Hey there!

OK, so first off, my general impressions of the piece. I'm not really into this sort of genre of writing and I have to say that the poem resembled a long piece of fantasy prose quite a bit. Which leads me on to something that has already been pointed out - this is very long. That's not necessarily a major problem, however, some stanzas appear to just be repeating the same thing over and over: just cut out any repeats. Otherwise, this had some good aspects to it - I like the tone and the basic idea (although not a very new idea) is good.

Their came that aching pain

I think you've used the wrong 'their' here.

And if he ever
Sees you full of sorrow
He’ll remember a hurt little boy…
And will aim to help you tomorrow.

I really liked this last stanza and I think you put the message across very, very clearly - summing up the whole piece in one.

Now, your rhyme is a bit all over the place so I think that you either need to cut out all the parts that don't rhyme, or, cut out what does. This will give the poem a much better structure; which is needed due to its length. What will also give this more structure is some punctuation. We have a few full stops, question marks and ellipses, but otherwise there is no real backbone of punctuation to this - nothing to signal to the reader to pause, or emphasise or anything. You can find some articles here on YWS for help with punctuation in poetry. Something I sometimes do is just read the poem aloud (slowly) - what this should do is show you where you naturally pause or break off and it's there that you need to add in some punctuation. Without it, the poem becomes breathless and more story-like.

As I already said, you can cut out some stanzas that repeat the message - especially towards the beginning of your poem where you talk about the boy being led astray. Try to show and not tell so much in this as well.

Finally, you may want to sort out your tenses, you go from past to present quite swiftly and without a real pin pointed change - so it just confuses the reader.

All the best with this and keep on writing - you have some good material here.

Alainna
xxxx

Bonjour Demitri (ah, the name brings back such memories!) Stella here!

Okay, so you should know that before I start this critique, I'm terrible at poetry, absolutely awful. Nonetheless, away we go!!!

I. NITPICKS

He watched in horror
as some tried to run
but before darkness’ embrace
they fell away from the Son

Uh, before darkness could embrace them? *is confuzzled*

As they were their own

Their own what?

And soon enough
Their came that aching pain
Brought on by loneliness
Darkness seeping into his brain

The last line doesn't hang with the rest

There was a clasp of thunder

clap

And the furies began to rage

The Furies as in the mythological Roman creatures that Apollo and Athene fight? (bit of a mythology geek...)

enthralled

not the right word.

Evil in the midst

In the midst of what?

The hounds of hell to be freed

And let slip the dogs of war! (sorry, just had to say that.)

In a pool of nothing
There he lie

Unless you're Jamaican, this is completely wrong in grammar terms (not that I have anything against Jamaicans, but doesn't work with the rest.)

Singing on the playground
Collecting pokemon cards

IN the playground collecting Pokemon...

Right so...

II. EPIC, MUCH?

Dude, epic poems pretty much went out with Milton. In fact, before Milton. They went out with Homer. Mercy only knows how Milton was a bestseller.

I numbered the verses and, well, there are fifty of them. That's two hundred lines. That's an awful lot of lines. Plus, you've got the whole epic scene going on, a hero, a world full of evil...

One word: *yawn*

I'm not a fan of epic. It annoys me. Just so you know. Maybe it's a matter of taste, or perhaps it's because that even when Ovid began writing epic, people thought it was out of fashion like, two hundred years ago. Tell the truth, epic will probably never be in poetical fashion. Prose, fine, poetry, no...

I mean, fairplay for trying it and all...

III. REPEAT,REPEAT, REPEAT

You repeat yourself a lot. Look at all your stanzas. Are they all necessary? One doesn't tell us much more than the one before. You could rid yourself of the epic factor a little by cutting down and doing some chops. Oh, I know it's difficult to destroy what you've written, but really, you need to.

IV. STORY

You tell us how this little boy goes bad. But how? What does he do that's so terrible? Also, why is he left to die?

You've got fifty verses, put in some plotline! Okay, yes, I know it's poetry, but you still can't just say that he got corrupted, nobody liked him then God forgave him and he went on to save the world. What happened?

V. DODGY RHYMING

A lot of it is rather borderline, and some of it is way out there. Think carefully, find rhymes that work and make sense. And if you can't, then abandon your rhyming scheme. Half on half doesn't work.

VI. OVERALL

Again, fair play, it's just a bit stretched is all.

Hope I've helped and feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

He watched in horror

as some tried to run

but before darkness’ embrace

they fell away from the Son


SON SHOULD BE SUN
That was the only mistake in the whole poem. GREAT JOB MAN, this is even beater then myna.

I am really grateful for you review Stella. A lot of it made sense and I see how much can be changed/altered. However, there are some things I must clear up for you and for other readers/reviewers of the poem-that is on order for the full scope the piece to be received in the best possible manner.

(One)

Uh, before darkness could embrace them? *is confuzzled*

This in in reference to stanza 3. You have to look at the word "before" here in depth, otherwise the intended meaning becomes lost and you get the results that you have gotten. "Before Darkness's embrace, they fell away from the Son"-used in the context of "bow before him." Think: "In the presence of" rather than a sense of time or happening.

(Two)

As they were their own

You have to look at the surrounding verses here. Allow me to break down the stanza.

"He could hardly help them"-Meaning the Sainted One could not aid those who succumbed to the darkness.

"As they were their own"-Meaning those who did succumb to the darkness became part of the darkness

"They were hidden from the light"-Meaning the latter, now being mere parts of the darkness, could not possibly recieve aid from the Sainted One (line 1 of this stanza connection) because he represented light and they darkness. There is no possible way for the two entities to connect.

"And he was all alone"-Meaning the Light/the Sainted One alone represented purity as all others were now slaves of evil.

(Three)

And soon enough
Their came that aching pain
Brought on by loneliness
Darkness seeping into his brain

I already emphasized in the preceding stanza why he was alone and what happened to the others. This stanza gives the readers insight into the mindset of the protagonist at the time. Being alone, he began the hard struggle against insanity. There is apparent reality in this as the condition can readily be brought on by isolation. Darkness used in this last line represents that insanity. Wonderously, I made sure to add the stanza following this one to cement that turning point just for cases like this. Maybe I wasn't thorough enough since there still appears to be a problem-at least on your behalf. However I don't know how else to put it-it seems to fit together as best it can. Please, if you would, let me know how you would have re-written the stanza and its two bordering stanzas so that it may best fit the theme while still maintaining the flow which is in motion.

(Four)

You were very right here, I should have used "Clap"

(Five)

Furies in this context refers to the elements as in a storm (and a potentially dangerous and one might I add considering all that has preceded this line) rather than creatures of Myth. Nice connection though, if I had in fact used "furies" in this context you would have been dead on.

(Six)

enthralled

You don't think I used the right word here. I beg to differ, I used here because it best conveys to the reader what I want them to know. The word itself means to captivate. This whole stanza is beautiful, I hate that you didn't get it so let me break this one down for you and any others who've had confusion at this point.

"And those he once knew"-Meaning those once known by the Sainted One who have now been consumed by Darkness.

"Hearkened to Lucifer's Call"-This is simple: those now apart of the darkness began to serve he who is lord of the darkness.

"Fueled by the Darkness"-I have hit upon several times in the poem(perhaps this is what many of my reviewers mean by repetition, though evidently it wasn't repeated enough if no one has gotten it yet) that everyone aside from the Sainted One himself were now tools of evil or the darkness.

"They were fully enthralled"-Now for the ethereal meat! Those fueled by the darkness and now under command of Lucifer were captivated and held spellbound by his power and the power of darkness. they were entirely enslaved to his evil. Yes, to convey this particular message is the reason I used "enthralled". It gives the reader the full depth and immensity of this line and its relation to the stanza and subsequently the remainder of this poem. However, this is merely my view. If you can suggest a suitable replacement word that conveys this meaning, I would gladly receive it.

(Seven)

Evil in the midst

You asked what evil is in the midst of. This is in part the same problem you had with "before darkness' embrace" before. I don't want anyone to be confused, so let me explain this(though no explanation should be needed) if you have read the poem, then you will find that all the preceding stanzas lead up to an epic climax. Look at these preceding lines "Black crows to the place of pure white doves" I did not put these lines (or any lines in this poem for that matter) in just to be pretty (for the beauty of the piece is inherent in itself). These lines are just one of the many that lets the reader know that Darkness/Lucifer/those consumed by Darkness/and evil itself are coming for The Sainted One. It shows scenery of negative events happening around him that lead to this event taking place. I made clear his coming insanity before and I will now tell you the significance of it at that point and how it relates here. See, The Sainted One had to have underwent all that he had and become insane before he could be consumed by Darkness himself. He was to pure, but not the condition of insanity has opened a "door" for the Darkness to push through. When I said:

"His heart beat fast
And he fell upon his knees"

I let the reader know that the "door" is open. The Sainted One is weakened to a point where even he can be tainted. It required so much more with he because he was so much stronger than all those who had been consumed before him. This is a testament to the will of the spirit and the strength of the heart.

(Eight)

The hounds of hell to be freed

You made a joke about this line but let me assure you it is all too serious. Now that The Sainted One is weakened and the door is open, Hell/The Darkness/Evil-all of it can be unleashed upon his being. Imagine an onslaught of sorrow or bad news when you are at your worse and it seems as it nothing more can go wrong. Then a seemingly endless brigade of not sadness but -Darkness, which is the root of it all and the immense source of the evil-rains down on you. For all his goodness, the Sainted One had no choice but to relent. This is deep, and I couldn't possible expect my readers to get all that from the one little stanza. So I added the stanzas following it to condense and make clear the events going on. It was so concise, yet for some reason you didn't get this. Why? I know the answer but I'll get to that later.

(Nine)

In a pool of nothing
There he lie

I am completely at a loss for what to say. I don't understand your problem with these lines at all. I mean, "Jamaicans?" What are you talking about? I hope no one else gets confused with this stanza (although I seriously doubt they will-given it fits the flow and does not wander from the theme nor the preceding stanzas) I think the problem you have here Stella, is with Tense. If that is the problem, then I admit I failed at this junction. However lets look at it:
-If you had been following the poem this far, then you realize that the protagonist has long since joined the evil forces and has grown to be more evil than anyone preceding him. because of this he was resented and rejected even among them, his peers in the Darkness. They cast him out of the Darkness (magnificent, considering he was already cast out of the light. Now he has nowhere to go). He lies in a pool of nothing, he is in fact nothing. He is no longer of the Light, and has been rejected from the darkness due to jealousy. It seems he has succeeded everyone's expectations and was too good at his jobs to keep around. The next two Lines:

"Hopelessly alone

He was left to die"

Let the readers know what the only option remaining to him is. He is alone, neither wanted by Light nor Dark, so he has no choice but to die. He wants to die. He wishes only at this point to cease to exist as it is the only way to end his despair. Furthermore, if you had a problem with the two lines you made reference to, then you should have had a problem with the following two as they are arranged in the same manner.

Singing on the playground
Collecting pokemon cards

I don't understand your problem with those two lines. It actually differs from what all my other reviewers say is wrong about the lines. Perhaps the lines are too silly as the whole poem is presented rather seriously. If that is the problem, then I agree-it must be changed in that respect. However, i disagree with some other reviewers points about the lines switching to modern times. (The whole poem is in Modern Times, there is no deviating from the time line or setting in which this poem takes place.)

(Conclusion)

You have made clear that the poems' length makes it boring and that the form itself is old. Perhaps the thought process that leads to many of my reviewers to the conclusion that this form is played out or extinct, seems to cloud their minds and judgment in relation to the piece I have presented to here. Poetry comes in many forms and all of it beautiful if received with open minds and hearts. The singular view of the constrained mind (which is hindered by the onslaught of rules and formality) could not possibly receive a piece like this. A Work conceived with patience and influenced by the imagination must be seen through the lenses of love and perception. Of course not everyone is capable of this level of appreciation as it requires a level of discipline not often found today and a certain wisdom granted only to a few.

I placed this poem in "Narrative Poetry" because that is where it belongs. It narrates the (true life) story of an individual. Because this is a narration, and the core ideas presented as fact, it is hard to make changes which would deviate from the factual events. I have here tried to add a measure of fantasy to the poem using such words as Darkness and Hounds of Hell which could easily have been Sadness and Policemen. However the latter truly would be boring and not even I would want to read it.

There are however somethings you reviewers have pointed out to me that really do need changing and I will make haste to insert the changes as I would dare not have the piece tainted by fault. These changes come in the form of punctuation and grammar-which Stella in particular (thank you) has made note of. Overall, I would advise future readers of the poem to read in in full and with broadmindedness. Otherwise personal notions and preferences about theme/style/and form would unfortunately keep you from digesting it in full.

I will, in the future, refrain from putting works on the site that require as much perception as this one here. I want them to be enjoyed if nothing else.

Demetri Saint Randrac

No.


This isn't doing anything for me. The rhyme scheme is atrocious; the relative dearth of imagery is hackneyed and boring; and the rest of it is wretched in its lame attempt to draw out a narrative about good and evil—the sort of stuff one can find in much better form on any number of "Christian Poetry" websites.

The intended symbolism of things isn't clicking for your readers because it often appears with no context despite the immense, often superfluous verbiage which serves no purpose and will cause many readers to simply lose interest in a story that has already been done to death.

Overall, this has the poetic appeal of a cinder block.

For a reader to proceed past the two "stanzas" that open the piece will be an act of masochism, and he or she will be justly rewarded with a dull epic that goes nowhere.

My advice is to try something else.


Best,
Brad

Somewhat lost in the negativity of your "critique", I find it hard to implement the changes you have suggested. However, perhaps that is due in part to the fact that you haven't suggested any. Regardless, I'll try to squeeze whatever relevant advice I can from your lackluster review. I would ask of you next time to give me a detailed critique highlighting what you find wrong, at least a few stanzas to let me know what you're talking about. Otherwise I'm still where I am before you commented. You made reference to websites that offer better, similar poems. I'll ask of you to supply a few such links so that I can 'learn' what it is I'm doing wrong and how I can improve. I just pray they are far more helpful than you have been here. But thank you anyway for...something I suppose.

DSR

To make it clear, the suggestions I made were that you a) throw this away and b) try something else.

The first is fairly easy to implement.


Good luck,
Brad