Broken - Prologue

I actually feel kind of guilty about this. Why? Because I really can’t come up with anything to suggest, as far as changes. This is great.

Well... alright, I do have one thing. It’s something Alainna mentioned, and I pretty much agree with all she said about it. The line: “The stars chased him away.” Like Alainna, I do like it, but I really don’t get it. Honestly, I would just cut it. I really like it by itself, but I can’t see how it makes sense in the story, and I have to say better safe than sorry.

Other than that, I know everybody else had really good suggestions for you. I wish I could have been more helpful, but I really couldn’t find anything wrong with this. Awesome job

And I’d love to read more if it, if you wanted me too.


-Adna

Hey Adna!
It would be absolutely lovely of you to read more; and thankyou so much for the review.

xxx

..

Hey, Sarah!

Her gaze sought something in the distance. Her gaunt, honey-coloured fingers clasped the leash.

All's fine, but both sentences start with "her", thus making it sound awkward. Same here:

It hovered in the choked air above, taunting her. It danced a forgotten waltz, floating half-heartedly.

"Choked" air – I don't really understand that, either.

She let out a breath; a slow one.

In this I was wondering, why not "She let out a slow breath"? That's what they usually say, right?

She remembered what she had come here to forget.

I love this line. It's kind of sad and pretty the same time.

Interesting. I want to read more.


Demeter xxx

Hello CastleInTheSky,

Don't believe we've met before, but I'm Angel of Death, I prefer Angel though. *waves*

This was a very beautiful prologue and I'm not sure I've read anything like this before, but you say this is based on a true story, so maybe I wouldn't/ But your vocabulary is eloquent and I enjoyed reading this. The title is what really caught my eye. Broken. It means so many things but I never thought that it would start off like this. You made me feel for this girl and now I am intrigued, so expect many more reviews from me.

Thanks for the read,

~Angel

Hey Castles, thought I should owe you a critique. Firstly, I'll just add in some of my line by line's.

Her throat closed up as her breathing cut short and her heart shattered

Can you find another way to say that her heart shattered? I think the word "shattered" is used way too commonly as a way to describe heartache and it's getting real old.

Then she heard a voice rippling towards her over the solitude.

Solitude is abstract so you can't say, "over the solitude".

She stretched her lips, smearing an artificial smile over her face.

I dislike the word "artificial" here. Firstly, it doesn't really explain as to why she is smiling like that. Secondly, it doesn't really fit with the solitary and reflecting mood that you are trying to create here.

She crushed a half-born sob, rocking backwards and forwards on the icy stone ledge. I am normal. I am normal. I am normal.

Well why does she have self-doubts about not being normal? You need to make that more evident for the reader. Is she mentally disabled? Does she believe that she thinks differently to others?

Overall impressions:

I kind of have mixed feelings about this piece. I think your problem lies all the way back to the actual plan of the piece. This would have been better off written in first person. As the ideas in the piece are abstract in a sense, you would be better off putting the audience into the character's mind so that they will be able to find the logic behind them.

Some of the ideas in the piece needs clarifying. 1) What exactly is the character in this piece and what is she like? A little school girl holding a balloon would portray totally different ideas and themes to that of a grandma holding a balloon. Who is the target audience and what are message are your trying to express? Your character should act like a guide for the audience so that they'll be able to relate to the narrative. 2)Why was she holding onto the balloon? What does it represent? I can assume that it's some teenage boy based on the verbs and how they are used, but its not concrete and detailed enough to give me a better understanding as to what's happening. Why should I care should she let go of the balloon? 3) Where was the balloon obtained from? Given at a party? A friend brought it for her? The balloon has to have some sentimental value if the character is reflecting it in such an abstract way. You can't just randomly buy a balloon on the street and then reflect on it, there won't be anything much to reflect on (let alone in such an deep and abstract way). This you have to make clear.

Overall, this has potential, but it has quite a bit of holes in terms of the concreteness of ideas that prevent the reader to be able to fully understand as to what's happening.

Good luck Castle.

Andy.

Author's Note: I needed to let this out of my system. It’s the first story I’ve written that’s based on my life. Thanks so much for reading
Hello
Hey Sarah, I promised you I'd review some more chapters so I figured I'd start at the start and work my way through it. x

PROLOGUE - Balloon


She stood on cold stone. Her gaze sought something in the distance. Her gaunt, honey-coloured fingers clasped the leash. It was a normal balloon, held by a girl who could no longer relate to it.I love that image Spherical and smooth, a vibrant ruby shade. Imprisoning the helium with a strange, volatile power.Impeccable description It hovered in the choked air above, taunting her. It danced a forgotten waltz, floating half-heartedly. On a completely random note, have you ever taken dance classes? Because your description of dancing is so elegant and beautiful x


What was I thinking?
Should it not be what was she thinking?

She let out a breath; a slow one. It quavered. Her hand trembled.


She remembered what she had come here to forget. She shivered. The thin fabric of her dress wrinkled.


A breeze carried the distant laughter of children towards her, almost too quiet to hear. Beautiful Her soft, brown hair danced in the wind; twisting and tangling as if were moving by no force other than its own Again, that's an amazing thought.



Then she heard a voice rippling towards her over the solitude.


“Are you alright?”


Her throat closed up as her breathing cut short and her heart shattered. I love that description Sarah, as usual it's amazing She stretched her lips, smearing an artificial smile over her face. I know the feeling She started shaking. Her hands and her lower lip trembled. Her own body was betraying her.


She wanted, ached to tell him. Please. It’s not like that. I’m...normal. Her own mouth deluded her. Had she spoken out loud?


His smile faded. He looked at her anxiously and backed away.


The stars chased him away. Beautiful imagery. Simply beautiful.


She crushed a half-born sob, rocking backwards and forwards on the icy stone ledge. I am normal. I am normal. I am normal. I love this, again it is amazing.


What is normal?



She let go of the balloon.Very effective way to end the prologue x

Plot
Great start Sarah, simply amazing as usual. I just hope so very much that you don't think I say these things just to make you happy. I love the fact that they do but I say them because they're true sSarah. The plot, I find to be extremely interesting. It's such a huge topic and you make it seem easy. This shows your breathtaking skills to a whole new extent. The plot, if another writer wrote it might seem a tad cliched, but the quality of your writing is so good that it is not so. Far from it.

Characterisation
Your narrative voice Sarah. It makes me want to cry it's so good. I am simply lost within your world. Hahah you don't need an inner muse, you're too incredible for that. Your characters, are completely mind blowing, they're so well rounded and yet they are you and people you know. I know how hard it is to put yourself into a story, never mind it being well rounded. I love your characters. You're such an amazing person XD

Overall
[i]I loved it Sarah. Truly completely loved it, you're amazing. I love you x *mentally slaps self for sounding strange* Seriously, I don't say any of this stuff simply to please you, but I'm so so so so so *endless so's* glad it does. I'm so happy I make you feel good about yourself *god I seriously do sound like some freak don't I? * but I say it because it's true Sarah. You are amazing. You just need to believe it. You're way too nice. Anyway, I'm off to review more chapters I'll see you soon *gosh gosh gosh gosh seriously sseriously I sound like some stalker or something*
x

Wow. I get just about everything in this. Somebody wanting to be accepted, and trying to pretend they're somebody else. Hoping somebody will look past what they appear, and see who they are, then accept it. I just hope this has a happy ending......

One tinny little nit pick:

Her throat closed up as her breathing cut short and her heart shattered.

That one line is really awkward. It could stand to be chopped up.

The balloon is a pretty good object in this scene. It's hard to explain, but I consider it a foil for the girl. It's like the balloon is everything she's not, and in the end she lets it go.

Demeter, Angel, Squall, Kirsten, and Rosey - thankyou so, so much for reviewing. This thanks is a bit belated for most of you, but it means so much to me that you read it.
Thankyou again!

-Sarah