Unseen Treasure

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Entry For Kyte's Give Me Your Eyes Contest

Unseen Treasure


The lone figure plodded slowly down the empty road. The sun wasn’t yet up, and the world was washed in the weak grey of pre-dawn. Spider webs glistened as dew stuck to the threads like a million tiny diamonds. The boy’s head was bowed, eyes sightless to the jewels which studded the surrounding fields and hedges. They saw only the black shoelaces of his old school shoes. His mind was lost somewhere in dreamland, but he liked it there and getting lost felt good.
He knew this narrow road like the back of his hand. He walked it twice every day, except for on weekends of course. He shuddered at the thought of even having to come anywhere near this desolate piece of tarmac that wound through the hills and valleys, leading to the one place he hated the most, in his free time.
The loud, intruding toot of the horn made him grimace, as it cut through his thoughts and brought reality crashing back. He was nearly blinded by the headlights of the white school bus, as it rumbled to a halt beside him. The driver greeted him with that familiar, fake, gum chewing smile. The other kids hardly noticed the small, skinny boy as he sat down. Their eyes were listless, still puffy from sleep.
He was seated in his usual place. At the back, by the window, he rested his tired head on the refreshingly cold glass, watching quietly as the landscape rushed by. It was out there somewhere, he was sure of it. For the past four years he had tried to find the treasure, glimpsing only shadows, which his mind turned cruelly into authentic objects. Defeat was starting to creep into the corners of his mind. He had tried to shake it away, but now it looked as if he was to be consumed. Doubt clouded his thoughts, perhaps it didn’t exist, maybe it was all make believe. However, hope springs eternal and the boy wasn’t ready to give up.
He climbed from the large bus and in his mind, entered hell. He viewed the pandemonium that surrounded him, disdain etched upon young features. Heading for the relative shelter of the building, he stepped through the wide entrance, nobody waved or said hi, people seemed to look through him. Not that he noticed, he was used to this, every day started the same. He dragged his bag down the corridor and flung it into his door less, misshapen locker.
The painful sound of body thudding against metal locker echoed down the corridor. The boy turned slowly around, the first traces of a bruise already starting to form on the pale, angular cheek. A sardonic grin was plastered on his face as he viewed the lad who had shoved him. The smile was still there as he flung out his small white fist, it cut through the air, landing squarely on his opponents jaw. Curling into a ball as the counter blows rained down on him, the smile was still there, now bloody and swollen, still there as everything went black.
He awoke in his bed, the blue eyes of his mother gazed at him, despairing, sorrowful.
‘Why you have to get into fights, hey?’
‘Dad told me not to take any shit.’ He replied truthfully through thick lips. She shook her head sadly.
‘Boys!’ she said, as if that one word was the answer to her problems.
‘Anyway, I’ve got to go and check on grandma tonight, so you’ll have to get yourself up tomorrow, make sure you set your alarm clock, you’ve got a big day tomorrow. Okay?’
He nodded, only half hearing her as he drifted off again.
Panic suddenly gripped him. He cut the yawn off and stopped stretching. Rolling over, pain screaming from his bruises, he glanced nervously at the alarm clock. Uh, oh.
He ran from the house, still struggling to put on his shirt, inside out, upside down. Sprinting up the hated road, he reached the top of the hill. Too late, he could just about make out the white bus drawing away down the road. He bent over to catch his breath, heart thundering in his chest. Oh well, nothing he could do about it now. He turned around, then froze in the spot, something caught his eye.
The diamonds still sparkled fervently in the rising sun, as it cast a golden glow over the awakening countryside. However he looked past them. Towards something in the distance, it burnt brightly in the new sunshine.
The answer was so startlingly obvious that he nearly laughed out loud. Then he did laugh, long and hard, until tears pricked the corner of his eyes. Then he stopped and had a double take. Yes! It was there. Unbelievable! Just where the old book had placed it. The old book that his father had given him for his birthday. It hadn’t lied! It wasn’t his imagination fooling him. Adrenaline flooded through him as he raced over the field towards the glowing markers, his feet leaving dark imprints in the shining dew.


i'm so lost x5




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Hey, just thought I'd do a quick one over for you. This is what I saw (and sadly it isn't much.)


They saw only the black shoelaces of his old school shoes. His mind was lost somewhere in dreamland, but he liked it there and getting lost felt good.

You ended the sentence with good. Maybe there could be a different word you can use to best describe how getting lost means to him.


For the past four years he had tried to find the treasure,

Put a comma after years.

However he looked past them.

Comma after however. It's one of those dramatic pauses I was talling you about

Just where the old book had placed it.

I'm not exactly sure whats going on here. Maybe you could go into detail about the book in the beginning when you first mentioned the treasure.


All in all, this is a well told story. Good job.
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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Completely agree with jasmine...can't see anything else to comment on really. Not usually a piece I'd read but the description was phenomenal. I do think you've captured the essence of the contest and I hope the piece does really well. You must let me know how you do! Good luck sweetie!

Olivia

xxx




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hey, thankyou both very much, ill remember the advice for next time, cheers xxx
i'm so lost x5



That's just what translation is, I think. That's all speaking is. Listening to the other and trying to see past your own biases to glimpse what they're trying to say. Showing yourself to the world, and hoping someone else understands.
— Ramy (Babel by R. F. Kuang)