The Way the World Ends

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The Way the World Ends

1 am
Guards watch. Greasy hair, snake faces, granite eyes; armed with rifles. They do not move. Not even for Death's Concerto: first, the base of hag-coughs (pneumonia), then, a grating treble (prisoners clawing the stone walls). Together, an endless symphony, a spectral fantasy....a dream.


And the guards watch us exist, like dying monsters.

2 am

Death's Concerto stops. Hag's stifle their coughs. The world is quiet.

From my personal darkness (for it is mine) my ears prick up to understand the silence.

Hiss. The snakes have bitten. A rifle with a silencer shot about two cells down from me. Someone has failed to deliver their information. Someone has expired and thus the government has disposed of them, like rotting food.

Raised voices: the old debate about who gets which end of the corpse. Yin takes the arms, Yan the legs, blah blah blah. To me to you, to you to me...and back to silence.

One two three... and Death's Concerto begins again, this time in a sadder, slower movement. I cough, I feel I should join in. I cough again and spit out some bloody mucus onto the floor beside me.

I bite my fingers and feel nothing.

Am I in hell?

4 am

They stand in my personal darkness, do Yin and Yan. They stare like black statues. Grabbing me I am dragged through the corridors of lunes, cripples and political enemies.

We reach a room. A guard unlocks it. I am forced into a chair and my wrists fastened behind me, although I feel nothing – blood to my hands has long ceased.

And then he enters, a wizened man, the puppeteer of the hideous puppets that are the Guards, that watch into nothingness and do his bidding. He takes a dagger, cuts me three times, draws blood. He makes the threats "Death, death of my family, death of my dog" (the old tales). He wants information, he wants to suck it from me like a leech. He is a human Vampire. He wants names. The names of those who stood with me in the Tiananmen Protest. The people who wanted change. My friends.

I shake my head.
8 am

I am in hell.

I lie in a bath of my own blood in the room. Something worse than Death's Concerto is playing in my enflamed ears: the buzzing of a lamp. It’s a dormant sound, it increases the suspense. It almost throbs, like a heart.

I am in hell.

I can't open my mouth to curse the puppets, but I am gagged. I can't cry for my mother. I want to kick and wail, but my legs are broken. Am I a martyr?

I am in hell.

The Puppet Master comes in again and kneels beside me with a silver pistol. I get the ultimatum.

Like an infant I tell him the names of all my friends, gulping back my own blood. Like an infant I blab to the head teacher.

I am taken back to my cell, I probably will never leave.

The famous lines resonate in my head:

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Last edited by Swires on Mon Aug 25, 2008 10:00 am, edited 2 times in total.
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG




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Wow! Fairly disturbing, but very good! I love the repitition of "I'm in hell" and the whole trail of thoughts that the MC is going through.

I have a couple of comments on things which I, personally, think could be changed though I might be wrong.

1.
From my personal darkness (for it is mine) my ears prick up to understand the silence.


The part in brackets isn't needed as you've already said it was the characters personal darkness.

2.
I am forced into a chair and my wrists fastened behind me, although I feel nothing – blood to my hands has long ceased.


I'd seperate this into two sentences so it'd look a bit like this: "I am forced into a chair and my wrists fastened behind me. I feel nothing - blood to my hands has long ceased." But as I said before, this could be just me.

3.
He makes the threats "Death, death of my family, death of my dog" (the old tales).


Take the "the old tales" out of the brackets. It could work as a sentence on its own or as an addition to the previous sentence. Using brackets just breaks up the piece of writing.




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Thanks for the critiscism, I agree with all the pointers. More welcome.
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG




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You're story is well done. Prisoner of War's views are difficult to do in fair justice and you have done an excellent job with that. It has no obvious grammatical flaws, but there are a few things that need just a touch of work.

Character Development

I'd like to know more about this man. You mention a rebellion, but you never tell what his part in it was or even his name. Though it does add a haunting edge to the story, it leaves your reader dying to know at least a name to put the experience to.

Back Story

As mentioned above, I wondered about what this man had done in the past to get him in such a place. I also wondered if he had friends, enemies, or loved ones with him in that place or what had happened to them.

Other than those to aspects, I thought this was very well done. You're descriptions of a POW camp seem as if the reader has been in the place.
"When you need a stress relief, simply count to twenty. If you get to twenty and your still mad, go to a hundred. If you are mad after that, then go find some anger management, because we seriously have just wasted two minutes."-- Jazz




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Thanks again. Yeah the idea was not to make the character unique really in any way - I wanted him to be one of the hundreds who were imprisoned during the Tienanmen protests.
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1106
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User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1106
Reviews 614
I would be really interested in a few more crits for this story... its not that long....
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG



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