Icy Paths Prologue - A Small Victory

Prologue
A Small Victory

Zakulas glared into the basin of swirling white mist. “SIRK!”

A figure clothed and hooded in navy blue stepped out of the shadows. “Yes, Master?”
“What are the Honorable Sword fools planning? I am growing impatient at their progression.”
“They have decided on a course of action.”
Zakulas’ glare intensified.
“They are planning to send someone into the non-magical world to bring the girl into Lesharien. Then they shall choose a companion for her, and send her to the Moon Elves,” said Sirk, crinkling his nose in disgust.

Zakulas turned and leaned against the basin with a frown and crossed arms. “Why do they want to send her to the Elves of the Moon?”
Sirk shrugged.
“You are in the Honorable Sword, Sirk. Your role in this plan is to collect information for me, that I may thwart them, and you to have your revenge.” Zakulas looked into Sirk’s eyes. “Or have you forgotten what they did to your parents?”

“I have not forgotten,” answered Silk icily. “I shall never forgive them for what they did, and they shall pay with their lives.”
Zakulas smiled satisfactorily. “Good. Now, it is possible they shall choose you to accompany her. You shall lead her, not to the Elves of the Moon, but to me.”
Sirk blinked.
“It is a fine plan,” said Zakulas. “She does not know the way, you will be her guide. Bring her here, and I shall have my revenge. Now leave.”
“As you wish, Master.”
Sirk turned and walked across the cold marble floor. He stopped in front of the brown walls, and ran his finger softly across them. A sliver of gray liquid appeared, and began enlarging and molding itself. Sirk turned to Zakulas.

“Master?”
“Speak,” said Zakulas.
“When will you address me by my first name?”
“After you bring the girl to me."

Sirk turned towards the gray sliver that was now a large gray circle. He touched it and abruptly disappeared.

Hey flytodreams! A very mysterious prologue, I will be interested to find out what happens. Reading through the thing you probably need to improve on is the description. The reader has no idea where you have set the prologue, describe the surroundings, smells, sights, sounds, etc.

A couple of nitpicks:

A figure clothed and hooded in navy blue stepped out of the shadows.

Replace the word clothed with cloaked, it gives off an air of mystery.

“Why do they want to send her to the Elves of the Moon?”

Before you call them the Moon Elves - keep their name consistent throughout to avoid confusion.

He stopped in front of the brown walls,

elaborate on this,be creative - what are the walls made out of? what colour brown is it?

Hi flytodreams,

I'm Reuben A from South Africa (At the most Southern point of Africa if you didn't know. he he.).

I think that the prologue to your story is great! I specifically like the fact that it makes me eager to read the rest of the story. It really is great.

Sorry if I sound a bit cruel, but...

So far, the story seems hideously generic.

I was interested, but only vaguely, and certainly not enough to continue reading. Zakulas seems like your generic evil overlord with a generic plan supposedly to dispose of a generic girl with generic superpowers, and Sirk his generic minion. The names Honorable Sword and Moon Elves are also unspeakably generic. And I used the word "generic" about 6 times there, but it's true. So far, there doesn't seem to be anything about the story that sets it apart from the pantheon of generic (said it again...) high fantasy novels out there. I'm aware this is only a prologue, but still, the prologue is meant to hook the readers, and so far it doesn't have anything distinguishing to pique the interest of readers.

Also...I feel like I already know the entire plot of the novel, unless you spin it off into a completely different tangent and the plan detailed by Zakulas and Sirk quickly gets discarded for something completely different. In that case, I congratulate you for misleading the reader in such a way, it's really quite clever. But if the plot does proceed exactly as the prologue's set it up (normal girl gets pulled into a magical world by some...magical secret society?...and goes to meet a bunch of elves), then not only have you created a rather generic (8!) plot but have also completely given it away to the readers. The instant the main story starts, there'll be no suspense. The reader knows what will happen already, and unless you carry out the dramatic irony (the reader knows Sirk's a traitor, the main character doesn't) in a masterful way, the reader will quickly get bored.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be that harsh... But this is what I honestly believe. As it is, this prologue seems terribly generic (9...). Zakulas, in particular, comes across as an uncompelling stereotypical villain. Now, I understand this is only a prologue and if the actual story proceeds in a direction completely different from what's implied here, I will offer full apologies (like, if Sirk or Zakulas is actually the main character...) I do like some things about it, though. Your writing is technically sound, and your prose flows very well. I didn't detect any mechanical errors of note, though I do think your descriptions are a tad sparse.

And also...the final lines seem to hint at something a little more than the usual high fantasy storyline. Seems Sirk desperately wants Zakulas's approval, now, does he...? I sense Ho Yay, but that may just be me being a pervert. Still, I appreciated that touch. In fact, I'm most interested in Sirk right now, and let me tell you right now, you could make up for any generic plotlines by casting him as the hero...

i liked it- i had a sort of mysterious edge to it. Very compelling. I also like how it wasn't long. People tend not to read things if they see it is very long. You have to grab the attention of your readers before going in depth of your story!

happy-go-lucky: Thanks for pointing out the nitpicks, I'm glad you like the story.

Reuben A: Haha, yeah I know where SA is. I'm from East Africa. You wouldn't happen to speak Swahili by any chance, would you? And I'm happy you like it!


Bickazer: Well, that was harsh. But thanks anyway. Yeah, I was attempting the fact that the girl doesn't know. And the plan gets modified along the way. I won't have to do a total plot change, will I? Oh, and Sirk's my favorite character as well.


writer_ally_reader: Thanks so much!

I think it's a wonderful story. You should go back in and critique some things like with the Moon Elves. Keep their name consistant. Be a little more descriptive. What color brown were the walls? And other things like that.!!

Hey flytodreams.

I assume you meant you wanted me to review this new prologue because it is the only other one in your portfolio and it says Icy paths on it lol

Well it is certainly different from the first prologues I read. I wasn't sure it was the right one to start with because of the new characters

It was interesting, but I felt like there were quite a lot of revelations or pieces information in a small amount of space. Such as - Honourable Sword people, Moon Elves, non-magical world, Lesharien, a girl, a revenge plot, a vendetta against the moon elves, something about Sirk's parents and Sirk accompanying her.

To me that is a couple chapters worth of information right there. I mean perhaps you were attempting to plunge the reader straight into plot and the world by doing that but it didn't work for me, it kind of just took me out of the story. Perhaps that is just me though

I like the character of Sirk though, he seems interesting and I wonder what his dynamic with the girl will be, when he tries to bring her back. I also want to know what they are going to do with the girl and why is she so important. Also what is Sirk's story, there seems to be a lot there that is not explored yet. So you definitely peeked my interest which is good the only bad thing is, as I said, the information overload.

'wanders over to chapter one'

Hi,
Thanks for the advice, I'll take it into account. Although there isn't really a Chapter One for this yet, the other chapters are earlier drafts.

Oooh OK

'waits with baited breath for chapter one'

I'm here! I'm here! I'm here just like I promised! ^_^
Here are my comments!

1st Read ; Oooh, this looks to be promising! Right now it seems like I'm standing on top of a mountain and I know that there is a big world below me, but it's covered by clouds. I hope YOU know what the world down there is and you'll lead me to it! ^_^ I wonder where this story will go~

2nd Read;

Zakulas’ glare intensified.

Since Zakulas is singular, you'll need to put an 's' after the apostrophe as well. I know it look weird, but his name is singular, so it still needs another 's'! I just said the same thing twice. <_< -flails-

“You are in the Honorable Sword, Sirk. Your role in this plan is to collect information for me, that I may thwart them, and you to have your revenge.” Zakulas looked into Sirk’s eyes. “Or have you forgotten what they did to your parents?”

Hmmm. To me, this seems a little vague. Is Sirk a spy for Zakulas into the 'Honorable Sword'? Perhaps you can make that a little more clear, though it's a tad awkward for Zakulas to have to remind Sirk exactly what he's doing. xD I wouldn't want to hire someone who'd forget their mission!

“Good. Now, it is possible they shall choose you to accompany her. You shall lead her, not to the Elves of the Moon, but to me.”

Well, if it's only possible... what if they DON'T choose Sirk to accompany the girl? Does Zakulas have a back-up plan? It seems silly to rely on only a possibility! Maybe he could make sure of it somehow. ^_^

“When will you address me by my first name?”

“After you bring the girl to me."

Sirk turned towards the gray sliver that was now a large gray circle. He touched it and abruptly disappeared.

Huhh, I like this little bit, because it makes Sirk seem really vulnerable and adds a twist you'd never expected. I just have one question! You refer to Sirk as Sirk throughout the whole thing as well, so is that not his first name? Maybe, to clarify this, the first time you refer to him you might name him by his full name? -shrugs-

I like it! Keep writing~~~ <3

-Hannah-

i seem to be a little late in my review... but oh well.

at first glance it seems oddly generic with the elves and the odd names and all, but that is also what made me want to keep reading it. I've been on here for a while, and i dont think ive seen many stories that are completely generic and boring all the way through. This was merely a prologue and a very short one at that. Judging the rest of the story on this alone would be very unfair.

I seems pretty interesting, and is very suspenseful, as you give us no information than a couple of names and a little knowledge on a girl that is from another world. I hope you will upload a little more soon.