Grim Reaper

REAPER

Prologue

A dark form on a horse rode in the village; a man looked in fear from a window as the figure gallobed by the guards, who didn't seem to notice the rider. The man started locking his door and piling things before it. He closed the curtains, and lit a small candle, so that he could see in the dark. The man sat on the cold floor, his back facing the wall behind him. He heard footsteps from the corridor; he snatched his rifle from the floor.
Whump. He heard a sound. He saw a black cloak before his eyes, he forced himself to look up. He was already trembling with fear. Sweat was running over his forehead.
“Sam Goolding?” Asked the figure. The man dropped his rifle, as the figure lifted its weapon; a shiny, black steel scythe. The man could just, and only just see the scythes dark and sharp edge in the dim light of the candle.

“Sam Goolding?” It demanded.

Sam nodded “Death?” Sam asked.

“If I were death you would not be here right now.”

Sam stood up still trembling, he was frightened, “Well who are you then?” Sam asked now facing a white skull. The skull had eyes so black that you could feel how you were sucked into their endless dark pitch. Sam swallowed his fear and tried to gather courage.

“I am Grim Reaper at your service, you may call me Jack... If you so wish,” said the Reaper.

“Why Jack?” asked Sam who was starting to tremble a bit less, grasping of the courage deep inside of himself..

“Have you ever heard of Jack the Ripper?”

"Yes, yes I have. Why?"
The reaper spread his hands as if to present something. Sam understood this hint.
“I thought you were dead!” Said Sam in shock. “I thought you had died five years ago."

“Well technically I did die five years ago."

Sam was confused "Technically?" Sam asked.
"Um, yes, the Reaper looked confused, (well as confused as a skeleton can look at least), he was trying to think of a way to explain it to Sam.

"Let me tell you the whole story, from the beginning to the end. Then you may understand, what this is all about.”

"Very well" said Sam who felt like he was of the hook... For now.


The grim figure sat down on one of Sam’s chairs and started speaking

This is a pretty good prologue, the beginning was great, but the ending was well... kinda unexpected, wierd if i must say...

“Never heard of Jack the Ripper?”(Im guessing you forgot to press the enter button here.)“I thought you were dead!” Said the Sam in shock “I thought you died five years ago.

Sam stood up still trembling to and fro. “Well who are you then(?)” Sam asked now facing a white skull(.)

“Sam Goolding!?” It demanded(.)

The man nodded “Death?” Sam asked(.)

Also the 'Whump' should be in italics since it is... well, i dnt know why but thats what other critiques say lol...

Overall, its a really good story, just a few punctuation errors but other than that you've got a really excellent book, keep writing, readers need you! xD

THX. I'll Edit it still a bit but I can acctually explain the end of the prolouge. I want to tell the history of Jack and in the end There will be an unexpected happening.

Ooh... This is an interesting beginning. ^^ I like how you're using the story of Jack the Ripper as the Grim Reaper. Not that I've actually heard the story, but I've seen the name a couple times and only know that he killed some people... I think. Lol, anyway, I think--other than the grammer errors that MrDigitalKid pointed out--that it'd be better without the last line.

I'm looking forward to seeing the rest.

-kittykat

For some reason the title dragged me in and then when I actually read the beginning it was OK but it wasn't something that begged for my attention. I don't know maybe you should exand it? Just a thought. I think it was too short and why waste 150 points? Make this a little longer adn PM me and I'll review it again for you. Sorry to be harsh I'm only trying to help

as always
-Max

Thanks for the replies

First off, it isn't spelled Reapper.

A misspelled title is really bad, as the title is the reader's first impression of the story, and you want them to come in thinking it might be good.

Overall, this honestly failed to capture my attention. There was nothing original in it, and too many unanswered questions. (and not just the kind that are okay to leave until later in the book to answer) For example, why does Sam instantly assume that the cloaked man is coming for him, and why does he live in a place with guards guarding the entrance? If you think about it, you could assume that it would seem that you were the only one who could see the figure since the guards didn't see it, and thus assume it was some kind of nefarious spirit, but rather than mulling it over like that, Sam instantly bolted off to protect himself from the evil spirit that he just knew was coming for him.

The most pertinent error in this piece, however, and one that shadowed all the others in its size, was the spelling and grammar.

Please, please use a spell check. Admittedly, I hardly ever do, but that's because I am confident in my grammar capability and almost always know when I've misspelled something, even if I don't recall what the correct spelling is.

If you haven't developed this skill yet, however, then you should probably take the time to hit the spell check button. You don't even need to go into a different application, YWS has its own little spell check that you can access by hitting the "Check spelling" link.

Also, there are areas that need commas, that need words erased, and other such things. I'm not going to list all the mistakes because I'm not in the mood for a really, really in depth critique, which would be required to point them all out (not trying to be mean, but there are a lot of mistakes), so if you'd pm me as well after you've tried to make it a little better, then I'd review again with a list of everything you need to change.

Before I end, though, I'll point out a few main things that bugged me:

"“Sam Goolding?” Said the"

Don't capitalize said. Since it's part of the same sentence, it shouldn't be capitalized. I know, it seems confusing, but dialogue + way the character says it = only one sentence.


"“Sam Goolding!?” It demanded"

Again, don't capitalize it.


" Jack.” Said the ripper "

Don't capitalize said. Also, since it's supposed to be one sentence, that period should actually be a comma.


"Jack?” Asked Sam"

Same thing, don't capitalize asked. Note that, by the way, you only replace punctuation with a comma if it's a period ending dialogue, if it's a question mark like here it's perfectly fine.


"dead!” Said the Sam"

Again, don't capitalize said, but the main problem here is the use of the word "the". When I saw it I thought, "Wait, what?" Since Sam is a name and a person, why on earth are you using "the"? Just say "said Sam".

That's all for now. Again, please edit this and pm me, I'd love to crit it again when it isn't so hard to catch all the errors.

THX. I'll have to work on my grammar, but I really did press the spell check button. I also used word to spell check it. I dunno what happened there but I do understand those comma mistakes and so on.

Hello again, I promised when you wrote more and edited that I'd crit it again. I think you went into more detail, whihc is a good thing no one wants to just hear dialogue. ANYWAYS moving on, the prologue is OK still the beginning just doesn't really do it for me. I'm sorry, but at least I'm not lying. I'm not a grammer and spelling person, so I won't even bother with that. At the end of the prologue you want reader to be thinking ...

"Wow this is really good, what happens next?"

NOT

"Uh, I don't really remember it, but I want the last ten mintues of my life back."

sorry I really don't mean to be rude.

-Max

No problem

This gotta be awsome. I cant wait to read the story. But where are the other chapters?

I love what you have so far. The topic of Death/Dying/or the Grim Reaper is my favorite to read or write. This prologue was expecially juicy. I saw a few mistakes here and there...

A dark form on a horse rode in the village; a man looked in fear from a window as the figure rode by the guards. The man started locking his door and piling things before it so that it would not open. He closed the curtains, and lit a small candle, so that he could see in the dark. The man sat his back facing the wall behind him. He heard footsteps from the corridor; he snatched his rifle from the floor.

See how repetitive this paragraph is? Try to mix it up by beginning a sentence with an action, not a person. For instance, something like: Heavy fabric fluttered, releasing puffs of dust into the air, as he closed the curtains and lit a small candle. Now at last the darkness faded, though the candle cast flickering shadows on the wall.

Whump. He heard a sound. He saw a black cloak before his eyes, he forced himself to look up. He was already trembling with fear.

Again, too many 'he's.

The skull had eyes so black that you could feel how you were sucked into them.

This sentence is kind of awkward. Try something like "The skull's eyes were so black they created a horrid sensation - it was almost as if Sam was being sucked in."

Well technically I did die five years ago

Neeeeh run-on sentence. I hate 'em XD. It should read "Well, technically I did die - five years ago." or instead of a '-' a period.

Other then that, great job! It has the makings of a great story! Check out my story as well, for it also has a Grim Reaper as one of the main characters (though his personality is quite different from yours)!

Ure

Hey again; I so hope I haven't wasted your time with my terrible reviews and ramblings


A dark form on a horse rode in the village I love this sentence.; a man looked in fear from a window as the figure rode by the guards. The man started locking his door and piling things before it so that it would not open. He closed the curtains, and lit a small candleAgain I love this sentence, so that he could see in the dark. The man sat his back facing the wall behind him. He heard footsteps from the corridor; he snatched his rifle from the floor.

Whump. He heard a sound. He saw a black cloak before his eyes, he forced himself to look up. He was already trembling with fear.

“Sam Goolding?” asked the figure. The man dropped his rifle, as the figure lifted its weapon; a shiny steel scythe.What's a scythe? Sorry I'm completely hopeless when it comes to names of weapons and stuff like that The man could just, and only just see the scythes dark and sharp edge in the dim light of the candle.

“Sam Goolding!?” it demanded.

The man nodded “Death?” Sam asked.

“If I were death you would not be here right now.”

Sam stood up still trembling to and fro. “Well who are you then?” Sam asked now facing a white skull. The skull had eyes so black that you could feel how you were sucked into them.

“I am Grim Reaper at your service, you may call me Jack, if you like.” said the Reaper.

“Why Jack?” asked Sam who was starting to tremble a bit less.

“Never heard of Jack the Ripper?”

“I thought you were dead!” Said Sam in shock. “I thought you had died five years ago."

“Well technically I did die five years ago."

Sam was starting to get his courage back "Technically?" Sam asked.No need to use Sam's name here again, just say he

"Um, yes. the Reaper looked confused (well as confused as a skeleton can look at least)

"Let me tell you the whole story, from the beginning to the end. Then you may understand”

"Very well" said Sam who felt like he was in control.



The grim figure sat down on one of Sam’s chairs and started speakingfull stop


Hi! I liked this prologue, especially the start, it was entrancing, exactly what a prologue is meant to be. I also love the way all your stories are different genres, it shows off your versatility. There's not many mistakes in this prologue either, which is always a good sign. Well done, if you've got anything else you want me to review just pm me
-Kirsten xxx

The man started locking his door and piling things before it so that it would not open. He closed the curtains, and lit a small candle, so that he could see in the dark.

Refrain from over explaining your character's actions. It's rather obvious when some one piles things against a door that he doesn't want it to open, and you light a candle for light, you don't have to explain.
Worst case scenario, the reader feels as though they are being spoken down to, which isn't going to convince them to keep reading.

Whump. He heard a sound.

The 'he heard a sound' is redundant. It is made obvious he is aware of the sound through your use of onomatopoeia (big word I know, but it's just the name for words that represents sounds, such as 'boom' 'clang', 'ding' and the like).

Sam stood up still trembling to and fro.

'to and fro' is more suited to a rocking or swinging motion then a trembling one.

Okay, I hate to bring it up, but isn't 'death' just another name for the 'grim reaper'?
The fact that he says he isn't death, but he is the grim reaper is kinda strange.

What I suggest you do, is read this piece out loud, and add commas where you naturally pause. Anything that sounds awkward, find another way to put it. Usually if your writing is smooth to speak, it has a good, even flow for reading too.
It's not very long, so I don't have a lot to say at this point. The only thing is, why would 'jack the ripper' be so easily persuaded to stop and talk? You need to give a better reason. I would suggest you have the MC trick him into it by appealing to the part of Jack that wants to brag. Maybe through insults, making him angry enough to have to prove a point, or belittling him? Jack the Ripper doesn't sound the type to stop and chat because someone's curious. He killed women and mutilated their bodies. Not exactly a social whizz, right?
But other then that, this is alright. A decent start.
If you have any questions, send me a PM. Will be happy to help.
-Nutty