Panic (part two)

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 42
Part Two



I managed the two blocks to my house without any problem. The creatures seemed to have vacated most of my side of town. The fear I’d been holding at bay began to kick in and my muscles shook as I walked. I barely kept my grip on the sharpened stick as I held it in front of me like a sword.

Mrs. Davis had known how to kill the monsters. Didn’t it stand to reason that the rest of the town did as well? Part of me recognized that even if the rest of the town knew how to kill the beasts, my parents hadn’t. They might have managed to run with the rest of the town to wherever they were now hiding, but I couldn’t help thinking about the puddle of chipped mint ice cream I’d seen.


Finally, I arrived at my house. I circled the one story building, checking every window for movement. All was still, so I returned to my bedroom window at the back of the house. Shoving the stick in my skirt’s waistband, I crawled into my bedroom, falling onto my blue bedspread as quietly as I could. If my parents were here they would be hiding. Where would I go to hide?

My skin felt prickly as I left my bedroom in search of the cellar. I crept into the living room and stopped quickly as I realized that the shadow in its center was a person. My breath hitched with hope for a moment before I realized it wasn’t one of my parents. It was a boy a little older than me, holding a picture he’d picked up off the table next to our couch. He looked a little dirty, like he’d been living in the woods for a while, but he didn’t look anything like the first creature, apparently named Heather, I’d seen. He was much less bestial and seemed saner than May. I didn’t know what to do.

Part of me wanted to attack him. I’d killed two of their kind already. Another part of me knew that it would be much harder to kill this one, not only because he looked more human, but because the element of surprise would be far less this time. He could hardly fail to notice a girl burst into the room with a long stick swinging at him.


“Mrs. Davis knew what she was doing, didn’t she? That old bat was the only one left who remember how to kill us, or maybe just the only one who believed. Either way, it was lucky you found the wood. Anything else would have just made them mad. It's a little ironic that we live in the forest, though, isn’t it? With all that wood around us no one would ever suspect that it was our poison.”

I straightened like I’d been hit by lightning when he spoke. My heartbeat rocketed and I backed against the wall, holding the shaking stick in front of my chest. The boy turned and I recognized his face immediately as it was hit by the light. He was the boy from my dream. My tree wanderer. His metallic eyes glinted from across the room and his clothes were the same, beaten leather.

He looked sad. His brows drawn together and his hand cradling the picture of me against his chest. It was taken a year ago when I was camping with my parents. The three of us were seated by a fire, smiling. Would we ever smile like that again?

“You look . . . happy. I can’t remember the last time I was happy like that. But you’re not happy here,” he commented, watching me intently. I kept my eyes locked on him but managed to force the words out of my mouth. If I could keep him talking I might learn where the town was, where my parents were.

“No. I hate it here!” I choked with more feeling than I’d meant. But I did hate it. Of course this stupid little town would have monsters. It was always the secluded areas that got them. You sure as hell never saw things like this in the city.

“I could tell. You came to the forest a lot even though everyone told you not to. You know, dangerous things live in that forest?” he continued seriously. I felt a chill run through me. It had not been a dream when I’d seen him before. He’d been watching me for a while. What would it be like to be free like that, unrestrained by decorum or certain idiotic farm people? For an instant I felt a rush of desire.

“What are you?” I demanded

“I? This town knew my kind once. We’ve lived in the forest for centuries, picking off the weak and the outsiders of this village. It was our agreement with the townsfolk that we wouldn’t enter the village if they would send us enough to keep our hunger at bay. Times have changed. We have been forgotten for too long and we could no longer wait for children to wander in. We need more as our numbers grow . . . so we came. “


“That’s no answer! What the hell is this, some kind of prank show? Nobody talks like that!” I shouted. He only shook his head. of course this wasn't a joke, no one would be this sick. “Why are you killing people? What have you done with my parents?” I sobbed the last bit. The boy replaced the picture on the table. He spent a moment putting it back in alignment with the others.


“I had to kill your parents. They were easy prey and my people were hungry. I removed their bodies so that you would not have to see them. It was the only kindness I could give you-“

I screamed at him, not the pathetic drone of fear or sorrow, but a roar of rage. Iran at him and swung the stick at his chest with all my might. He snapped it like the twig it was, but hissed in pain where splinters had been driven into his palm. His arms pulled me against his chest like a rag doll. I waited for the crushing pain but it didn’t come.


“You are very strong, Lauren. But you aren’t stronger than me. Not physically . . . not yet. Don’t try anything stupid or you’ll end up dead, like the others. I don’t want to kill you.”


I panicked, trapped in his hold. I forgot my father’s words and bit down hard into his arm, ripping through his clothes and skin. He shook me off like one might do to a spider but I still flew down onto the couch, dazed.


“I hate you. You killed them,” I muttered, burying my head in my arms. He crouched down and sat on the floor by my side.


“I had to. It’s my nature,” he said in a voice that echoed my misery. I looked up, my tear stained face strained with fatigue and pain.


“So kill me. It’s your nature,” I said without thinking.

“My nature also dictates that my kind continue to grow. We have the same desire to spread out genes as humans. We cannot procreate with just anyone, though."

I did not like where this was going. I tried to stand but he pushed me back down with only his fingertips. Damn freak. Damn horny freak.

"For the most part, we can only spread our traits like a disease, from person to person, you see?" he looked like he was expecting an answer so I nodded.

"Sure, good old zombies, or vampires. Whatever the hell you are,"

"Exactly," he said with a pointed smile. "Those members die off quickly, as the disease eats at them and turns them into beasts. Heather was two years old and she was getting close to the end. There are a few humans in every hundred thousand, however, that can survive and breed after they’ve been infected. That's how creatures like me are made."

"That's where I come in, is it? You want me to be the breeder cow?" I snarled. I felt my face turn almost as bestial as May's had been.

" You are the only one in a hundred years that we’ve found,” he said apologetically.


“How do you know?” I asked, and swallowed hard. I was ordinary. There was nothing about me that set me apart from other teenage girls. The boy’s metallic eyes shone as he stared at me.


“It’s nothing tangible. We can smell the potential, and there's always a sort of wildness and distain for society.” He lifted himself closer and I cringed away. His eyes were so intent I felt they looked right through me. He seated himself on the couch, leaning forward as I scooted away.

“Our eyes are always grey, like yours, before the change.” He lifted his hand and stroked the skin beside my eyes and I shivered at his touch. Those hands had killed my parents.

“We have an inborn instinct to kill. You knew exactly what to do when you held that stick,"

I shook my head with angry tears streaking my face. "No! I didn't want-"

"Don’t deny it!” he snarled and I felt like he'd slapped me. His eyes were devouring, it seemed they had some kind of power over me. he would need that to get anyone to fall for this sick plan, but I was hypnotized by truthfulness that rang in his words. I did like violence, I almost gravitated towards it. There was a foul sense of pride rushing through me for beating those monsters, weak little human though I was. The longer I was near him the more I found myself wanting to forgive him for my parents. I wanted to join him and leave this petty little hole for the forest. I wanted to run through the trees and let my scream mingle with the cry of the owl. I would strike fear into every heart that saw me.


“Jaric? Who is that?” a voice called from just to our left. Another young man with curly blonde hair was staring at me. Freed from my trance, I grabbed the broken stick, which had fallen on the floor just below my feet. I slashed the boy named Jaric’s arm from shoulder to elbow and he screamed in pain.

“That’s for my parents,” I hissed and flung myself away from him. He bent over his arm, cursing.


To my horror, roughly twenty more of the creatures flooded into my house after the blonde, through the open front door. They ranged from manic looking to as human as Jaric.

“Let me get the little monster!" the blonde screamed, starting towards me. I barked out a laugh. I was the monster? As he approached I felt my lips curl back into a snarl and I positioned the stake like a harpoon. I knew I could kill him, now. Somehow, all of my uncertainty was gone. They would get me eventually, though. There were too many.


“Don’t touch her!” Jaric shouted, turning slowly. His arm was covered in black liquid, but it had stopped bleeding. I watched in horror as his teeth extended over his lips, like the first monster’s had done. Not human. It was so much more horrible to see it happen, to witness the utter change from humanity to animal. I ran. I made it back to my bedroom before Jaric caught me, grabbing me by the arm so tightly that I dropped my weapon and shrieked with pain. He slammed the door shut and yanked me over to him despite my struggles towards the window.


“It could have been easier, Lauren.” His teeth were then buried in my neck and I could only gasp at the icy chill that filled me. I knew the black poison was spreading from him to me as it turned my insides to slush and I collapsed into his arms.




-----


“How do you feel?” Jaric asked as he stroked my hair away from my face. I was on my bed and the moon had risen outside. My body had changed, I knew. I could feel the razor sharp incisors that were now sheathed behind my lips. Every muscle of my body was toned and hyper alert. I felt wonderful. I felt alive.


“I feel…” I said slowly. His eyes gazed deeply into mine and I was struck again by his hypnotic presence. His handsome, feral features were like none I’d ever seen. Everything about him was sharp. I could spend my life with him and never feel that frustration I'd had as a human. I'd never want for company and of course he'd be all to eager to fill my physical needs.

“I feel like you killed my parents,” I told him and watched his face transform with surprise. With my newfound strength I ripped the leg off of my bedside table and slammed the sharpened edge through his shoulder. I missed his heart, perhaps on purpose.

I leapt out the window and ran with amazing speed, smiling as I heard his howl of pain. His voice was filled with an emotion I knew so well . . . panic.
Last edited by RowanHowler on Wed Aug 27, 2008 5:50 am, edited 1 time in total.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 4601
Reviews 141
Thanks for the critique again. Now i fulfill my promise



"don’t deny it!” he snarled and I felt like he'd slapped me. His eyes were devouring it seemed, they had some kind of power over me. he would need that to get anyone to fall for this sick plan, but I was hypnotized by trueness (truthfulness) that rang in his words. I did like violence, I almost gravitated towards it. There was a foul sense of pride rushing through me for beating those monsters, weak little human though i was. The longer I was near him the more I found myself wanting to forgive him for my parents. I wanted to join him and leave this petty little hole for the forest. I wanted to run through the trees and let my scream mingle with the cry of the owl. I would strike fear into every heart that saw me.



To my horror, roughly twenty (or) more of the creatures flooded into my house after the blonde, through the open front door. They ranged from manic looking to as human as Jaric.

“I feel like you killed my parents,” I told him and watched his face transform with surprise. With my newfound strength I ripped the leg off of my bedside table and slammed the sharpened edge through his shoulder. I missed his heart, perhaps on purpose.


Nice surprise though I, personally would like if she joined him. But i am evil at times aren't i :twisted: :twisted:



So where is the rest of the story I'm so freaked out in hunger for more. Like a vampire craves for blood. Anyway back to the crit. Like before this part too is exceptionally good with less mistakes and more surprises. Keep writing my dear friend. Your stories are great.
--
Who is not Insane one man ask, the answer being a fool.
Are you Insane the same man asks, - "Oh yes!. The Mad Hatter being saner!"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9917
Reviews 297
I like where you are going so far. There was a spelling mistake or two. There is suppossed to be a space before I and am. I also like the part where she didn't join him. It was a total surprise though. It was exciting and I hope you write more of it. You did a great job. PM me when you get more up. This is so original. Good luck!
As your pretty, so be wise,
Wolves may lurk in every guise.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 29
Hey hey, so here's my review;

Picky things.
Okay, so I think the first part of your story was better than this, merely for the tension factor. In this, you bring in the element of these "monsters" feeling emotions such as "love" and I think that kind of puts a dampner on the terror that she was feeling at the beginning of the second half.

Right, I'm gonna point out a couple of sentences that I think are a bit jumbled;

"He looked a little dirty, like he’d been living in the woods for a while, but he didn’t look anything like the first creature, apparently named Heather, I’d seen."

This sentence is kind of like... a mush of information that makes it harder for the reader to well... read. I think you should either break it down into two sentences, or drop some of the words so that it fits in nicer.

"That old bat was the only one left who remembered how to kill us, or maybe just the only one who believed."

Also, in this particular paragraph that this sentence is in, I think that you've info dumped a little. Perhaps spread the information through all of the boys remaining speech, or cut it out completely.

"He looked sad. His brows drawn together and his hand cradling the picture of me against his chest."

This sounds a little... Off. I think you should somehow reword this, but definately lose the fact that it's in two sentences. Something like; "He looked sad - his brows were knitted together and he cradled the picture of me to his chest."

"You know, dangerous things live in that forest?”

I feel this should be more of a statement, instead of a question, as yes; she does know that dangerous things are in the forest - by the sounds of it, most of the town does. Also, “I?" would sound a lot better if you changed it to, "Me?".

"Of course this wasn't a joke, no one would be this sick." & "I ran at him" & "Be would need that to get anyone"

Praise for;
You had a very good story line here. I think you put it across to the reader in a very original manor and the ending was just great! You put a real twist into the emotions, first off fooling the reader into thinking she would run riot; evil, but no. She takes revenge.

One more piece of advice though; I think this could be longer. Perhaps it could be made into a short novel of some kind?

Happy Writing! Sorry for the long review.
Ehh Maii Gawwwsh, it's GingerLizzy, on a different profile!

Got YWS? Want a review?



"Please put me in the quote generator whenever you like."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi