New idea

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I've updated this one, adding a bit to the end and fixing my errors. It's just a new idea that I'm toying with. I need an over all opinion, don't worry about any miss spellings or grammar. The story is going to end up a Jekyll and Hyde story. I'm not sure if anyone has seen the move with Julia Roberts and John Malkovich but it was called Mary Reily, and I kind of got the idea from that, but modern times. Tell me what you think...



“What started out as a sweet young artist on the rise, turned into the pill poppin,’ booze drinkin,’ party animal we see today as Samantha Dunn. We all loved her pop song ‘Live your own life’ from the early days but today, she has tried many times to regain that fame. Word to the wise Samantha—you’re a one hit wonder. Move on. Which she has tried, and failed miserably. With trying to do books, movies, TV series, and a remix with good artists. The crowd just doesn’t love her any more. Our recourses tell us that she is taking a seriously needed vacation in London for the summer. Good Luck Samantha.”
“Piss off,” I said out loud. Quickly, I looked around to see if any one had heard me. In the small confined space of an airplane, you have to watch yourself.
I folded the tabloid magazine and tucked it beside me on the seat. The writer that has been following my career very closely, Mr. Utterson, was actually sent to England to follow me. He was sleazy like most of them and would do anything for a good story. He’d eat up the fact that what I was doing wasn’t a vacation, but more like a rehab center with fewer privileges then prison.
Your eyes are not deceiving you people. The famous Samantha Dunn is being sent as a servant to work for some doctor. The doctor, I always forget his name, bought the house from my parents when my Great Aunt Mary Reilly passed away. My parents thought that by doing this I would be saving my soul. True Christians, they are.
Now you’d think being all grown up, I wouldn’t have to go through with this. However, my probation officer talked to my parents and this is what they came up with instead of going to jail…again.
“Excuse me miss,” a flight attendant leaned in to my seat, “Your over head light is causing a disturbance with the other passengers.” Her outlandish smile almost made me snicker. The flight attendant was in dire need of an orthodontist.
I turned off the over head light and asked, “Can I get something to drink?”
The girl nodded, “Would you like soda?”
I shook my head, “No, I was thinking more like hard liquor.”
The girl’s smile faded and she retreated to the galley. She returned in record time with a small bottle, a very very small bottle of some booze. I didn’t bother to read it, I just shot it down and closed my eyes.
When I woke, we were on the ground. People around me were moving around and kicking my seat. Well, that’s a little rude. I stood up to grab my bag from the overhead compartment and walked as quickly as I could out of the metal death trap.
Outside there was little to no wind and the sky was covered in one large dark cloud. It looked like rain. I hate rain.
In the lobby I stood, with my entire luggage, waiting. My mother said she talked to the caretaker of the house and he would send some one to pick me up. The caretaker’s name is Mr. Poole I think.
“Samantha?” some one called.
I turned and saw a young man looking at me with his eyebrows drawn together creating a crease in his forehead. “Yes?” Panic washed over me. He was extremely good looking but I didn’t have any bodyguards and I can’t really deal with adoring fans by myself.
He held out his hand for me to shake, “I’m Rex.” Rex had one of those hot, thick accents that make American girls faint. “Mr. Poole sent me to bring you to the mansion.” From my very few stays in London while on tour, I could tell he must have lived in the country as a child. It was a mixture really, of the traditional and country. Very sexy, indeed.
“Hello.” I said taking his hand.
He took most of my bags and led me out of the airport. His car was like a car you’d see in an old Mafia movie. I was surprised how quite it was; I was expecting it to sound like an old jalopy.
“I am the doctor’s driver and I run a lot of his errands.” Rex said with a smile.
“Don’t you think its weird how this doctor guy just agreed to have me stay there? He doesn’t know me.”
Rex shrugged, “I know Mr. Poole didn’t like the idea. But since you are related to Mary, the doctor saw no reason not to help out.”
“Did he know Mary?” I asked, half interested. Honestly, I was staring out the window trying to figure out where we were going. We had passed several signs and exits, but we continued to drive on.
“His father did, before he died. The man was a scientist, well, a mad scientist. I’ve heard stories about him and his secret lab.” Rex’s voice turned dark, as if he were trying to scare me.
“What’s his name again?”
“Doctor Jekyll.”
Last edited by jasmine12 on Sun Aug 24, 2008 3:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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Excellent start to the story! You have to love a Jekyll and Hyde :D

I love the way you portray the character of Samantha and i definitely agree with her on this: rain is not good :D I think you should carry on with this story personally, but if you aren't sure then try writing another chapter to help you decide. You may find you fall in love with it. On the other hand, you may not.

Now I KNOW you said not to worry about grammar and spelling BUT I have a couple of little nitpicks anyway:

pill poppin’ booze drinkin’ party animal


Add in some commas for dramatic effect, the article would want to leave a lasting affect on its reader so would dramatise everything!

Word to the wise Samantha, you’re a one hit wonder.


Personally I think it would sound better if you changed the comma in this to a dash or colon.

"Piss off.” I said out loud.


Change the fullstop after "piss off" to an exclamation mark or comma (depending on how angry she is! :D)

The famous Samantha Dunn is being sent as a servant to work for some doctor. Doctor guy bought the house from my parents when my Great Aunt Mary Reilly passed away.


I'm not too sure about the start of the second sentence and the end of the first sentence. Any words missing at all?

The girl’s smile faded and she retreated to the galley. She returned in record time with a small bottle, a very very small bottle of some booze I didn’t bother to read it.


I think it would flow better if you changed "i didn't bother to read it" into another sentence instead of keeping it a part of this one, to give an effect.

I stood up to grab my bad


Typing error - it happens :P

Outside there was little to no wind and the air felt thick and muggy.


By saying that the air was thick and muggy it makes it sound quite humid, and it made me picture somewhere quite tropical. Speaking from personal experiences, I can tell you that when it rains in England it is definitely not muggy! :D I've lived through thousands trust me on this one lols

[quote] Rex had one of those hot thick accents that make American girls feint.[quote]

Elaborate more on his accent, what sort is it? Put a comma between hot and thick as well to add a dramatic pause (it makes him seem something to pause about :D). Plus you've made a spelling mistake (I know it's fairly trivial but I'm running out of things to say lols!) "feint" is spelt "faint" - though it could be a typing error.....*thinks*.......

Other than my nitpicks a really good start - definitely continue this one!




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Thanks for the review. I might just do another chapter to see what happens.
A few things before, You said to elaborate on Rex's accent, "What kind is it?" Uhm, i didnt know there were different kinds. What do you mean by that,
Thanks for the weather comment. When it rains in my town, it is deffinitly humid. I'll fix that.
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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Glad my comment was helpful to you. Erm...well....the accent thing is hard to describe....how does Rex speak? If he's from London, then he'll have a London accent, you could always go for the traditional "Queen's English" accent if he's quite posh. Or if he's from more to the north of England he could have a manchester accent, or a Liverpudlian accent, or Jordie, or loads more. Oh! and not forgetting the country accent :D. Just describe how you imagine him talking when you're writing, give the reader more info on his background, because it'll be one of the first things your MC will notice.

PM me for any questions if I have just confused you completely (baring in mind I rarely know what I'm talking about myself! lols)




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I will most deffinitly take you up on that offer. Since i know little to nothing about England, :smt100 writing this book will be extremely difficult. I'm thinking that Rex is going to be from the country but moved to....London for a job. So, Imma thinking that means he speaks country english? Honestly, they probably would all sound the same too me.

Thank you SO much. :D
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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No problem! I'll try and find some videos on youtube for you of country accents and PM them to you :D

Oh! Have you ever seen the film Hot Fuzz? If you have - they speak with country accents (well the locals not the MC). If you haven't - it's a good resource (not to mention funny) :D




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Ooo, this sounds like it’s going to be good! :D I’m already excited to read more!

I thought your flow was really nice, but I would have liked to hear more about your MC background more. Like, why is going to rehab? Why is she in the news? Is she a superstar? Stuff like that will help the reader out a little.

Now, I must make a comment about your dialogue. When you write it, you have to use commas instead of periods if you have a tag. For example from your story:

“I am the doctor’s driver and I run a lot of his errands.” Rex said with a smile.


It should be a comma instead of a period after “errands”

This rule goes for all dialogue. Just remember to keep that in mind for the future :wink:

Other than that, I thought you did really well. I have no complaints.

Look forward to more!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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“What started out as a sweet young artist on the rise, turned into the pill poppin,’ booze drinkin,’ party animal we see today as Samantha Dunn. We all loved her pop song ‘Live your own life’ from the early days but today, she has tried many times to regain that fame. Word to the wise Samantha—you’re a one hit wonder. Move on. Which she has tried, and failed miserably. With trying to do books, movies, TV series, and a remix with good artists. The crowd just doesn’t love her any more. Our recourses tell us that she is taking a seriously needed vacation in London for the summer. Good Luck Samantha.”


A great, realistic introductory paragraph. Kudos! It really draws the reader in.

I so wanted to be helpful and critical but I can't! Dammit!

All the other critiquers have reviewed and this is really polished.

As good as you can get really.

Just concentrate on the flow and that.

Right, I'm off to review the next chapter.

Happy Writing and definetly perservere with this - it's great.

Good Luck.

Sarah
Had I the heavens embroider'd cloths,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I being poor, have only my dreams,
So tread softly, for you tread on my life.



People with writer's blocks should get together and build a castle.
— Love