Tainted Blood Ch.2 part 2

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Sorry and yes I know this entry is a bit short. My brother is wanting to get on so again. I will post another chapter as soon as I get the time. Thanks for all the past critiques and hopefully all the future ones.
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The alley was next to Courtney’s house and an apartment complex. It passed it every day going to school. For the next few days I took the longer route instead of going by that alley. I avoided it like the plague. I made excuses to Courtney for not being able to come over and help her study. She ended up coming to my house instead.

Finally though my curiosity won out over my fear, I decided to visit the alley. I drove slowly by. There was a stranger leaning against the walls. I got out of my car, despite all the warnings Aralee had given to me in the past about strangers. Slowly I walked over to the stranger, he seemed to glow a soft white.

He spoke “I've been expecting you.”

I knew that voice it sounded oddly familiar. It hit me, I knew the voice, it belonged to the stranger that had talked to Aralee ten years ago. That would mean...if my guess had been right...

“Who, who are you…” I stuttered.

Could this truly be who I thought he was? I started to hyperventilate.

From behind his back he pulled out a burlap sack. I panicked and began to back away. He lashed out and brought the bag over my head. Inside of it, I groped for air, as it was constricting around my throat. I should have listened to Aralee, I thought as I passed out.

When I came to in a dark room, I tried to move and with success, my capture had not bound me but I couldn't see. Sitting up I thought this has to be another one of my nightmares. Then I heard the voice. His voice.

“I apologize that I had to use harsh methods to get you here but it was the only way I could talk to you. Your mother would not let me talk to you, so…”

“Who... who are you...? How do you know my mother? What do you want to talk to me for?”

“So many questions, but I will answer them all. First off, my name is Alessandro. Aralee should have told you, but it looks like I am going to have to tell you everything. I am your father. I am sorry this is a bit too much information right now isn’t it?

I had been kidnapped by a nut case I thought. I have only heard about this in the news and in books. This could only happen to me. I looked around me, my eyes had adjusted to the little light I had. A light flicked on. I could see him, he loomed over me and he had to be at least six feet. He had dark black hair and golden eyes, but… I looked so much like him I couldn’t ignore it. We both had the same face and build. I couldn’t believe I was meeting my father for the first time in my memory and it was a bit too much. I had wanted to know for a decade who he was and finding out like this...I faded into unconsciousness.

When I woke up the room was a little lighter as if a light had been turned on. Alessandro was standing against the back wall, looking very tense. I could see more this time when I sat up. I was in a big room that contained the twin size bed I sat on and a small desk sat across from me.

"I'm going to ask that you don't interrupt me, it will be difficult enough to explain this to you without you interrupting. Or I could just show you."

Alessandro then grinned at me showing a line of pointed teeth, when he stepped out of the dark I could see specks of red in those golden eyes. I gasped, I had read enough books to figure out what he was.

"You're...you're a vampire." I stuttered

"Yes, yes, now that we have that fact out of the way..."he started impatiently

"You kidnap me, tell me your my father, and then tell me you are a freaking vampire, and you want me to accept that! You know what I think? I think you are a complete head case..."

"Didn't I tell you not to interrupt me?" he growled.

"Where was I?" he asked himself "Oh yes, I was about to say I am the Prince of Darkness, and it seems that you are my only heir."

I could not contain myself. "So you are telling me that I am your only heir? You have had thousands of years to produce one and I am the only one?

"A vampire can produce only one child, so yes you are my only heir."

I thought about it. What did this mean for me? I was a hybrid, half-human, half-vampire.

"How does this work?" I ask Alessandro. "I look like a human, and most importantly I eat like a human, where's the vampire part kick in?"

"I was wondering when you would ask that question. The night you turn eighteen, your whole body will change. It would be best if you were here with me because new vampires are more likely to go wild for blood, they over indulge because there is nothing sweeter than fresh human blood."

I was scared, apparently I had no choice, this is why I was having those dreams. After the change well, I didn't know what to expect. I wished the nightmare had stayed a nightmare because it appeared that soon I was about to be living it...
Last edited by Kaylyn on Tue Sep 23, 2008 5:14 pm, edited 12 times in total.
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I was so excited when I saw you'd posted the next chapter! I really like your work.


The alley was next to Courtney’s house and an apartment complex. It passed it every day going to school. For the next few days I took the longer route instead of going by that alley. I avoided it like the plague. I made excuses to Courtney for not being able to come over and help her study. She ended up coming to my house instead.


My version: The alley lay in between Courtney's house and an apartment complex. I passed every morning on the walk to school. Now I avoided it like the plague -I don't much like the cliche, but it works-, taking the longer route instead of going past it. I made excuses to Courtney to avoid coming over, which led to her coming to my house instead.

Finally though my curiosity won out over my fear, I decided to visit the alley. I drove slowly by. There was a stranger standing there against the walls. I got out of my car, despite all the warnings all my teachers and Aralee had given to me in the past about strangers. Slowly I walked over to the stranger, he seemed to glow a soft white.


Finally my curiosity beat my fear; I decided to visit the alley. I drove by slowly. There was a man leaning against the alley wall. I got out of my car and, despite all the warnings Aralee gave me about talking to strangers, I walked up to him. He seemed to glow a soft white.

He spoke and said: “[s]I have[/s]I've been expecting you.”

“Who[s],[/s]... who are you[s]…[/s]?” I stuttered


I panicked and he pulled out a bag and it went over my head and I passed out. My last thought was “I should have listened to Aralee.”


My version: From behind his back he pulled out a burlap sack. I panicked and began to back away. He lashed out and brought the bag over my head. Inside of it, I groped for air, as it was constricting around my throat. I should have listened to Aralee, I thought as I passed out.

NOTE: The first sentence of this paragraph has 3 ands in it. Three actions hit the reader so quickly that they are left thinking "wtf???" Break up the actions into more sentences.

I came to in a dark room, I was not bound but I could not see anything. Sitting up I thought this had to be another one of my nightmares. Then I heard the voice.


My version: When I came to, I desperately tried to move but found my hands to be bound. The room was too dark to see anything. This has to be one of my nightmares... I thought as I sat up. Then I heard the voice. His voice.

“I apologize that I had to use harsh methods to get you here but it was the only way I could talk to you. Your mother would not let me talk to you, so…”

“Who are you?!! How do you know my mother? What do you want to talk to me for?”


My version: "I apologize that I had to use harsh methods to get you here, but it was the only way I could talk to you. Your mother would prefer us never to speak, so I..."

"Who are you? How do you know my mom? Why would you want to talk to me?"

“So many questions, but I will answer them all. First off, my name is Alessandro. Aralee should have told you, but it looks like I am going to have to tell you everything. I am your father. I am sorry this is a bit too much information right now isn’t it?


My version: "So many questions! But I'll answer them all. My name is Alessandro. Aralee should have told you, but it looks like she left all the telling to me. I'm your father... Is this too much for you right now?"

I had been kidnapped by a nut case I thought. I have only heard about this in the news and in books. This could only happen to me. I looked around me, my eyes had adjusted to the little light I had. I could see him, he loomed over me and he had to be at least six feet. He had dark black hair and golden eyes, but… I looked so much like him I couldn’t ignore it. We both had the same face and build. I couldn’t believe I was meeting my father and it was a bit too much. I faded into unconsciousness.


My version: I've been kidnapped by a nut case, I thought. I've only ever heard of this... why would this happen to me? I looked around, my pupils adjusting to the dim light in the room. He... my 'father' was looming over me. He was tall, at least six feet with black hair and golden eyes. He looked... just like me. I couldn't believe I was meeting my father for the first time.

NOTE: I don't understand why she would pass out there?

When I woke up again but this time Aralee was sitting on the bed next to me. She was stroking my hair and the room was a little brighter. Alessandro was standing against the back wall. I could see more this time when I sat up. I was in a big room that contained the twin size bed I sat on and a small desk sat across from me.

Aralee said to me “Alyss I would like you to meet your father”…


My version: When I awoke Aralee was kneeling next to the bed where I lay, stroking my hair. Alessandro was standing against the back wall.

Aralee said: "Alyss I would like you to meet your father."



I liked this a lot, but it seemed a little rushed, like you tried to write it down really quickly. And I have a bit of a problem with the names. Aralee is cool. Alessandro is okay, especially if he is a vampire (is he??). But then your main character is Alyss. Why so many A names??? And I think you should change the MC name to being Alice or even Alysse if you are really attached to that name. Alyss is just a bit too weird. But, hey, it's your story and your a great writer.
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Thanks for the critique it was really helpful. I just edited it.
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Ah, you can’t do that to me??!! Just leave it ending like that! Grr…I wanted to read more…:wink:

First, the part that kind of confused me was when she woke, you said she could’t see. Then, suddenly, she can see her father?? I was like what? You might need to make that more clear, like if a light was turned on or something.

Second, I felt the kidnapping was kind of abrupt. I would have liked to hear more of Alyss’s thoughts on this matter.

Third, the telling stuff was MUCH less pronounced, so that was a good thing :D

On with the review, then!

It passed it every day going to school.


“I” instead of “It”

Slowly I walked over to the stranger, he seemed to glow a soft white.


Semicolon instead of a comma after “stranger”

He spoke and said “I've been expecting you.”


“He spoke and said” Kind of repetitive. I would only use one or the other.

I looked around me, my eyes had adjusted to the little light I had.


Semicolon instead of a comma after “me”

"So...he really is my father then" I said weakly

"Yes, and I am so sorry I waited this long to tell you this. Well, your close enough to turning eighteen so we can both tell you the whole story and you can chose." She said glaring at my "father".

"How do I break this to her, she seems to take things better when they come from you, I am not used to these things" said Alessandro

"Well you can start now, can't you? Aralee said.


All of these sentences need to follow that “dialogue rule”. :wink:

Well, other than that, I really have no other complaints.

Please PM me when you post more of this!
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Yeah, the whole kidnapping thing seemed really sudden. Also, why did Alessandro both to go through the trouble of kidnapping her, when he could just show up at her house? I mean, Aralee seemed pretty okay with him being there.

There are quite a few 'A' names in there. I'd maybe change some of them to names beginning with another letter. Too many names beginning with the same letter and they begin to run together when you are reading quickly, especially when they are of similar length.

Yeah, another short critique. My question is, however: why does her body change into a vamp's at eighteen? Why doesn't it just start out as a vampire at birth? It seems to me, it'd be a lot easier for blood-vampires (born vampires) if they started out as vamps, rather than getting used to life as humans before suddenly morphing. Otherwise, what's the point? They might as well have been bitten.

Hmm... Interesting...

Anyway, keep up the good work with your magnificent twist!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.



In a dream you are never eighty.
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