Forsaken Ch2 part 2

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Chapter Two part two continues with Chase. Please note that my spelling and grammar is far from good. Enjoy.




Jo stepped forward, her bright green eyes never leaving mine as she did so. She had long red hair flowing behind her. She was –perfect. Every curve of her body was completely flawless, and I mean every curve. Her shirt was tight enough to hint how built she was and her jeans were deffinirlty tight, hugging her hips. I couldn’t stop staring. She smiled and she had beautiful, full, pale, pink lips.
“I’m Jo.” She said in a sweet melodious tone.
Next to me, Blaze chuckled. “I’m Blaze.” As soon as he spoke she looked at him, taking her beautiful eyes away from me. Instantly I regretted not talking first. Why was I loosing my cool? Its just a chick.
She looked back at me, “You must be Chase. Your house is amazing.”
Speak damn you!
I shrugged.
She nodded and started backing out of the room, “I should get this stuff put away before my meeting.” She said to Stella.
Stella turned to me, “I am busy tonight and Jo needs a ride to campus.” She widened her eyes.
I cleared my throat—smooth. “I could do it.”
Jo’s eyes widened, “I can walk, really. I don’t want to be an inconvenience anyone.” Her voice was an innocent whisper.
Before I could tell her she was crazy, she was halfway up the stairs. I sighed, “That went well.”
Stella threw her bags at me, spilling most of its contents into the floor, “Go bring them to her!” she ordered then stalked off into the kitchen. In the distance you could hear her muttering something about how stupid boys are.
Blaze stared at me, “Damn I should have called that shit first. Your face was priceless, man.”
“Shut up.” I said picking up a towel and some flowery thing.
Blaze did a mocking gasp and picked something up off the floor. “Nice.” He held up a black and red laced thong.
“Excuse me,” a harsh yet beautiful voice said from the stairs, “I don’t believe those are yours.”
Blaze snickered and put the thong in a bag and handed it to me. I brought the bags to the stairs and she stared down at me, “Sorry about Blaze. He can be a read dumb ass sometimes." I said and her expression softened.
From the living room Blaze muttered, “Piss off.” I ignored it and she did too, or she didn’t hear it.
“Come on.” She said turning and went up the stairs.
Hesitantly, I followed her. We went to the third floor which I’ve hated my entire life. It’s so far away from the rest of the world downstairs. I always feel like I’m missing something up here.
Jo walked into my mother’s room, well, now her room. I put the bags just inside the doorway. This was the most beautiful room in the house, but with her in it, the room doesn’t seem as significant.
“Sharing a bathroom with me shouldn’t suck. I don’t spend a lot of time in there.”
As grateful as I was that she spoke first, what the hell do I say to that?
So I decided o tell her she’s crazy, “I don’t now if Stella told you, but you shouldn’t go out alone.”
She giggled, “They said I was crazy to move here.” She paused, “So vampires really do exist?”
I nodded and leaned against the doorframe. “Who did you say you had a meeting with?”
She dumped some cloths out of a bag onto the bed and started puling tags off, “I didn’t.” she folded a black and red shirt but abruptly stopped and turned to me. “Are you a vampire?” she asked but had a hard time keeping a straight face.
She wasn’t taking this seriously. “No.” I said.
She bit her lip and my stomach turned. I shouldn’t be this nervous. “Alright look, I don’t like being babysat. I’m a big girl now.” Behind her sarcasm she was serious.
I didn’t want to push her so I shrugged, “Fine. I’m not your father.”
She cringed but tried to hide it by folding more cloths. “If you’re going to walk, you should get going. It should be dark within the next few hours.” I walked out of her room and went back down stairs. Stella was sitting on Blazes lap playing some racing game. I sat on the couch and watched them play.
They have been an on again off again relationship since she moved here. I think she is the reason he cleaned up. She moved here last year for college but ended up dropping out when the vampires got to much for her. She locked herself in her bedroom for about a month. That’s when her and Blaze really got tight and I’ve been the third wheel ever since.
A little while later, Jo came down the stairs quietly. Stella turned to her, “I can’t believe after everything I told you, your still leaving.”
Jo shrugged, “I want to see these vampires. I’ll be back soon.”
When she walked out the door, Stella stood up and watched her walk away from the window. “Okay, she’s out of sight. Go.”
Blaze looked at me confused then at Stella he asked, “What do you mean ‘go’?”
She rolled her eyes. “She is helpless out there and she’s going to end up walking home in the dark. I want you two to keep an eye out for her.”
“Stella, c’mon.” Blaze whined.
“No! She lives here now and we all got to look out for each other. You’re wasting time. Go!”
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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jasmine12 wrote:Chapter Two part two continues with Chase. Please note that my spelling and grammar is far from good. Enjoy.

Jo stepped forward, her bright green eyes never leaving mine as she did so. She had long red hair flowing behind her. She was –perfect. Every curve of her body was completely flawless, and I mean every curve. [/quote

really liked this description. Enough to give us an idea of the character but not too much to make it seem like the reader's an idiot. perfect.

and her jeans were deffinirlty tight,

deffinrtly? not quite sure what you mean, :lol: typo?

Jo’s eyes widened, “I can walk, really. I don’t want to be an inconvenience anyone.” Her voice was an innocent whisper.

For some reason I really love this piece of dialogue :D

Stella threw her bags at me, spilling most of its contents into the floor, “Go bring them to her!” she ordered then stalked off into the kitchen. In the distance you could hear her muttering something about how stupid boys are.

This was beautifully controlled. Maybe an adjective/adverb here or there? To give description of surroundings, etc..

“Shut up.” I said picking up a towel and some flowery thing.

'some flowery thing' made me laugh :lol: definetly keep it in.

Blaze did a mocking gasp and picked something up off the floor. “Nice.” He held up a black and red laced thong
“Excuse me,” a harsh yet beautiful voice said from the stairs, “I don’t believe those are yours.”
Blaze snickered and put the thong in a bag and handed it to me. I brought the bags to the stairs and she stared down at me, “Sorry about Blaze. He can be a read dumb ass sometimes." I said and her expression softened.


This whole thong incident is hilarious. I laughed my socks off.

So I decided o tell her she’s crazy,

you missed the t before the o in 'to' :lol: just a little nitpick.

[quote] “I don’t now if Stella told you, but you shouldn’t go out alone.”[/quote
"I don't know if Stella told you," etc...


The dialogue in this was believable and realistic, which is a really hard thing to pull off and more than I can say for my own melodramatic speech.
The description was really good, try describing surroundings as well as people.
This is the makings of a unique, interesting story, so keep at it. It'll go far.
Look forward to reading your next installement.

--Sarah
Had I the heavens embroider'd cloths,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I being poor, have only my dreams,
So tread softly, for you tread on my life.




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I really like it!!! Sorry, I can't really get into it now but I really love it. Your plot is AMAZING and you have some great phrases in there.

I will keep my eyes open for more! Love it! I owe you a crit!
It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in the body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.-------Ian O'Shea



"The rules of capitalization are so unfair to the words in the middle of a sentence."
— John Green, Paper Towns