Her rose colored lips.

__First attempt at a story. I've only ever written poems. Hope you enjoy!__



He held her tenderly in his arms. Warmth filled his body like a summer breeze, tingly and comforting. She whispered in his ear, "I'll never leave you." She whispered again, but he could not make out what she had murmured. He looked into her face as it faded away, leaving him alone.
--------------------

Jeremy awoke slowly, trying to get back to the dream. "I'll never leave you," he mumbled.

"What?" A gentle voice aroused him to full consciousness. He glanced over at his brother who was already up, sitting on the edge of his bed across the room. "Were you dreaming about that girl again?" He asked quietly.

"Derek, I told you. Not that girl. We've known each other for three years now. But yeah, another one of those dreams." Jeremy replied. "Well what's wrong with that?" he said, half to himself. "It's just a dream. It can't hurt anything."

Jeremy got dressed and headed down the steps happily. He was going to see her today. "Mom, I'm going out to meet Caitlyn soon, could I borrow the car?" He waited for a reply. None. "Mom?"

"In here honey." Jeremy walked into the study cautiously. Something in her tone was sad and frightened.

"Mom, you OK?" Mrs. Brighton looked up at him with a forced smile.

"Jeremy-" she paused. "Caitlyn had to cancel today... she's-" He looked at her questioningly. "Well, read the letter." She handed him an envelope addressed from the community hospital. Jeremy's heart fluttered nervously. He took out the letter from the already open envelope and read it quickly.



Dear Mr. Jeremy Brighton,

This is a letter to inform you that Caitlyn Fenech has been
taken seriously ill and is now in the care of the Kateridge
community hospital. She is requesting your presence.

Her illness is quite severe and she may have not many more
moments in this world. We are asking you to come immediately
or as soon as possible. Thank you.


"I have to go see her." His voice choked with emotion. He took the keys from his mom and ran out the door. Speeding away in the car his mind raced with anticipation, dread, and fear. Over and over in his head he told himself, "She'll live. She has to live!"

Arriving on the scene, he quickly went over to the bed where she was laying. Her hair was messy and strewn about on the pillow. He noted the way her dark eyelashes rested so softly on her white cheeks. "Caitlyn," he whispered. She did not open her eyes.

He waited all night with her, drifting off, his mind going back to years past.

---------------------------------------------------------

She laughed gaily, slipping her little hand into his, making him feel warmer on that cold, winter evening. He looked into her eyes. They sparkled with the life and joy she always seemed to have. They walked silently for a minute, him thinking about how he loved her, how much he would like to kiss her.

"Caitlyn- I want to give you something. " She looked up at him earnestly. "Close your eyes..." He stooped down to her height, laying his lips softly on her delicate rose colored lips. The lips of Caitlyn. His Caitlyn. His Caitlyn...

-----------------------------------------------------------

"Sir, sir!" A hospital attendant shook Jeremy gently by the shoulders. He started awake suddenly.
"Sir," the attendant said, "she's gone." Jeremy looked at him. He looked at the bed where Caitlyn was laying peacefully.

"She- she's gone." He repeated. His voice broke. Silent tears streamed down his face. The attendant left the room, closing the door quietly behind him. Jeremy buried his in his hands, sobbing openly. "She's gone, she's gone, she's gone," he whispered, trying to resist the urge to punch something, anything.

He took her hand affectionately, pressing it to his cheek, letting his tears run over her fingers. That cold, unmoving hand. The hand that used to clasp his so warmly, that used to wipe away his tears when she was with him. Never again. Her sweet face no longer to smile, her heart, never to beat once more... her lips, never to kiss his again.

And him, never to love again.

ok, i did this and edited it, but it still didn't change to how i wanted it.



Dear Mr. Jeremy Brighton,

This is a letter to inform you that Caitlyn Fenech has been

taken seriously ill and is now in the care of the Kateridge

community hospital. She is requesting your presence.

Her illness is quite severe and she may have not many more

moments in this world. We are asking you to come immediately

or as soon as possible. Thank you.

^sorry, only the first line of this is italisized. =/ it wouldnt change.


She laughed gaily, slipping her little hand into his, making him feel warmer on that cold, winter evening. He looked into her eyes. They sparkled with the life and joy she always seemed to have. They walked silently for a minute, him thinking about how he loved her, how much he would like to kiss her.

"Caitlyn- I want to give you something. " She looked up at him earnestly. "Close your eyes..." He stooped down to her height, laying his lips softly on her delicate rose colored lips. The lips of Caitlyn. His Caitlyn. His Caitlyn...

^only the first paragraph of this is italisized. he's supposed to be remembering, or dreaming again, so the second half should be italisized.

Hey there!


I edited your post because your line break was too long and stretched out the first page.

Also, just a note on the hospitalized code. You have to add the code to eat line.

[i*] so it would be [/i*]



[i*]like this[*/i]


Without the stars, of course. You see? So you can italicize the letter. Any time you start a new paragraph, you need to start a new code. The same if you are ending a paragraph, that is when you end the code.

Hope this helped! If you have any other questions message me and I may have the answer. ^_~

thanks you so much! that was really bugging me. =]

Hm, I liked your writing style, the way you described things. Unfortunately I didn't like your story.
I am really sorry, it just didn't capture me. Now, before you go off wanting to kill me, let me tell you why.

I wasn't able to get attached to Caitlyn so I didn't feel anything when she died. I wasn't able to feel sad for the loss of character of feel the depth of pain Jeremy was feeling. So let us know your characters, something that can be very challenging in short stories.

The only other thing I was confused about was if he is really with her as a couple or if she was just his friend and he wanted them to be something more. So you might want to be a little clearer on that.

Sorry about the harsh crit, I hope you continue writing! Remember, we keep going and we DO get better. Good Luck!

okay, i liked it, but it all went a little fast.

the plot line is wonderful for romantic fiction, and is a good base for you to go farther. you need some character description because you gave us nothing to work off of in our minds.

writing was good, i liked the flashback devices you used; short, but enough to drive in the point. there were no noticeable flaws in your style or technique, so kudos!

i don't like the letter at all. for one, i don't know who its from, so i don't have context. two, no one would write and reveal so much in a letter. most people would just say "hey, dude, Caitlin's sick and you need to get here."

I want to see this again and a little longer. it went by quickly as i mentioned, and you can do a lot with this. Make us the reader not want Caitlin to die. make us really really like her. we know the main dude likes her but as for ourselves, there is no attachment. stories like this can make people cry, literally bawl their eyes out, and a strong attachment to the characters is what gets you there.

but good job and i will definitely be looking around to find more!

thanks everyone, after geting a couple more reveiws im going to redo it in a little bit of a longer version, trying to include all the suggestions. i think they are really helpful.
--mary--

ehh what the heck. i'll do it now.

I agree with a lot of what was already said.
I didn't feel very close to the characters at all. I don't know anything about Jeremy or Caitlyn. I don't know what they look like, what their relationship is like, how long they have know each other, what they like to do together...anything.
Therefore, it was hard to really feel for Jeremy because I knew nothing about how close they were.
For example: in The Lakehouse by James Patterson (<3) *spoiler warning* when oz dies it makes me cry every time because I know how much max and oz loved each other (max is a girl btw) and because max is so heartbroken it makes you heartbroken.

This is very good for a first story...It was well-written and stuff...but just for the future, have the reader know your characters more.
keep up the good work

well guys, i tried in my new one, but i feel like the charectors still aren't known. how do i change this?