Pieces of Cloud

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I go over to Megan’s place on the weekend. Her Mum is great. I call her Auntie Susan, even though she’s not my Auntie.

I dawdle, splashing in muddy puddles. I hope she’s home. Auntie Susan’s always home, gardening, this time of a Saturday. She’s out the front today, pouring water over her pink flowers. She told me the name last weekend. Petunia. She said it like a song: Pe-tu-nee-ah.

“Hi Andy,” says Auntie. Megan’s near the tap, planting a new tree in her patch of the front garden. She has a patch out the front and two around the back. She comes out to say hello when she’s finished patting down the soil, softly, like Susan taught me.

“Guess what? We’re getting chickens soon,” Megan says. She’s not like this at school. She’s in the fourth grade and her friends giggle at boys.

“We might be,” Susan says firmly, but her eyes sparkle and give her away. She’d never tell Megan they might be getting chickens and then not get them.

“Can I help with the garden?” I ask. Susan feels sorry for me because I live in a flat. She gave me some flowers to grow on the windowsill once, but they died from too much sun.

“Of course,” says Susan. She gives me a watering can. “Fill it up from the bucket; I’ve been collecting the rainwater.”

“Why?”

“It’s better for the garden. Fresh from the clouds,” Auntie Susan says. I never thought of rain that way. I look up. The clouds are gathering again, ready for another downpour. Soon they’ll be down here, puddling on the street.

“I used to think rain was the angels crying,” Megan says. “Or peeing.” She giggles. Susan gives a sort of sigh, but her eyes laugh. I put my hands into the bucket. Yesterday it was a cloud. It feels cold and silky.

“Is it different to tap water?” I ask.

Auntie Susan nods. “No chemicals.”

Alison pokes her head out the window. “Water is a chemical,” she says.

“Is not,” Megan argues. “The teacher said you should drink water because it doesn’t have chemicals in it.”

“It doesn’t have any chemicals added,” says Alison. “You learn about it in high school.”

I look at Auntie Susan. “Does water have chemicals in it?” I ask. Auntie Susan knows everything about science. She used to be a teacher until Alison was born.

“Water is a chemical, but this doesn’t have any added,” Auntie Susan says. “Alison is right-” Megan gives a sulky look “-this is pure H20.”

“What?”

“Scientist language for water,” Auntie Susan explains. She knows scientist language. I don’t. The words sound like spells to me. Alison says I’ll learn in high school.

“Haych two oh,” I repeat. It feels magical to say it. I pick up the watering can and carefully empty the bucket of H20 into it. Megan tries to help, and we end up spilling half of it. She dunks her hands in and flicks some at me. I flick her back. She scoops up a handful of water and empties it in my face. I flick more water at her. Megan’s grabs a bucket of her own and starts backing away, flinging water in my direction. I flick back from my bucket.

Megan runs around the back, still carrying her bucket. I splash her from behind, and the tip of her ponytail gets wet. She springs onto the trampoline, and I follow. It’s still damp from yesterday. H20. Cloud.

I flick her with water, and we bounce as we have a water fight, slipping on the wet trampoline but never falling, surrounded by moving droplets catching the sun, pieces of cloud flying through the sky again.
When the water runs out, Auntie Susan gives us morning tea outside so we don’t make the carpet wet. It starts to rain again as I go home, covered in water and dirt from the trampoline.

Mum's on the couch, watching TV. The flat is hazy with cigarette smoke. Some people would call that a cloud. It’s not. Water doesn’t have any chemicals in it.

“Where’ve you been?”

“Megan’s house.”

She grunts. “What’ve you got all over you?”

Fresh rain. H20. Cloud.

“Nothing,” I say. “It’s just water.”




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Firstly, welcome to YWS. I hope you spend many happy hours here :D Or something along those lines.

Kibble wrote:I go over to Megan’s place on the weekend. Her Mum is great. I call her Auntie Susan, even though she’s not my Auntie.

Great start :D

I dawdle, splashing in muddy puddles. I hope she’s home. Auntie Susan’s always home, gardening, this time of a Saturday. She’s out the front today, pouring water over her pink flowers. She told me the name last weekend. Petunia. She said it like a song: Pe-tu-nee-ah.


Oh my gosh! Absolutely no criticsm yet. And trust me, I usually find some nitpick by the first paragraph, but this is just amazing. Somehow beautifully poetic but still the simplicity of the child you're portraying.

“Hi Andy,” says Auntie. Megan’s near the tap, planting a new tree in her patch of the front garden.

Maybe a bit more description? maybe not? you decide.


“It’s better for the garden. Fresh from the clouds,” Auntie Susan says. I never thought of rain that way. I look up. The clouds are gathering again, ready for another downpour. Soon they’ll be down here, puddling on the street.


Love this paragraph :D Beautiful.

“I used to think rain was the angels crying,” Megan says. “Or peeing.” She giggles. Susan gives a sort of sigh, but her eyes laugh. I put my hands into the bucket. Yesterday it was a cloud. It feels cold and silky.

Wow! This one's amazing. I love it. Especially "rain was the angels crying". Sweet.

I flick her with water, and we bounce as we have a water fight, slipping on the wet trampoline but never falling, surrounded by moving droplets catching the sun, pieces of cloud flying through the sky again.
When the water runs out, Auntie Susan gives us morning tea outside so we don’t make the carpet wet. It starts to rain again as I go home, covered in water and dirt from the trampoline.

Again, love this paragraph. jeez, what's wrong with me? Can't find any nitpicks at all. THis is coming along great.


Fresh rain. H20. Cloud.

Great.[/quote]


“Nothing,” I say. “It’s just water.”


And that was a killer last line, can be interpreted in so many ways.

Wow, you have really put yourself in the mind of this young child, and this is such a great story. Hopefully more to come?
THis is a great start on the site, and you are amazingly talented. Keep writing.

Sarah
Had I the heavens embroider'd cloths,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I being poor, have only my dreams,
So tread softly, for you tread on my life.




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Ok i know we're supposed to give constructive critiques but, wow...

This was really really great I couldn't find anything at all to critique.

I love your last line. It was so simple and such a...normal (for lack of a better word) thing to say, yet it was so powerful and like CastlesInTheSky said it leaves so much open to interpretation. Really amazing :D Well done.

The only thing I would say is that I'd like to know more about Megan's relationship with your MC. You tell us her grade so does that mean they are in different grades and aren't usually friends? How did they get to know each other? I think adding something in to answer those questions could give it even more depth and make it even better :D

Sofi
'Don't you just love these long rainy afternoons in New Orleans when an hour isn't just an hour but a little bit of Eternity dropped into your hands- and who knows what to do with it?'
T.W.



Nothing says criminal activity like strong bones. ;)
— Magebird