Bored

A/N: This for Clograbby's "Freak Me Out" Contest. I hope it disturbs!

Enemies? I have none.
Grudges? I don’t recall.
I have no need to avenge
or to “regain my honor”.
This is ridiculous.

Mommy loves me;
Daddy’s tough.
My siblings admire me,
and women swoon when I pass.
Depressed? Haha, you’re funny.

Why? She just keeps asking:
Why?

Well, I’m not easily
entertained, but this
has always been fun.
I wonder how
loud you’ll be.

I move toward my tools
and she’s starting to bawl.
How amusing. I’m getting goosebumps.

Anything. She just keeps pleading:
Anything.

Too late now I’m afraid,
Love. Should've left when you
had the chance. But then, I wouldn’t
have my dolls to play with. And that
isn't what I want, hun.

Now get ready:

At slash one, she screams;
choking at number two.
Third slash and I hear bones
breaking.

Another toy broken.

I don't think this is as creepy as it could be. I mean, it does catch, but it's so ambiguous that it doesn't really show, if that makes sense. It's okay in the beginning, mind you, since you have this bold narrator talking and it draws you in right away and makes you wonder what's wrong with him. But, as you go further along with the poem, it seems like you are avoiding the actual subject, that he is raping this girl. That is, a little avoidance is good, but if he enjoys it as much as he seems to, I wonder why he isn't being more explicit with his detail of what he's doing to her. Because of this, your conclusion feels incomplete:

I’m done with him now,
so close your eyes and
get ready as I sing you
a little tune I made just for
you:

At slash one, she screams;
choking at number two!
Third slash and I hear bones
breaking.
Aw, are we through?

For me, it's like you're trying to hide from the actual terror and madness in rape, so it's like your cheating me. Plus, the song doesn't really sound like a song. I would prefer maybe a spin off on a child's nursery rhyme, but that might be me. The song seems too... telling and not enough mocking for my taste. The stanza before the ending though seems really confusing. I'm done with him now? Who is him?

Ugh... I am sorry, this critique may not make sense. PM me if you have any questions, and I'll do my best to explain myself. ^^

i really enjoyed your poem a tone..you could have added a bit more intensity and agression. as Snoink was saying, you backed off a little but its all gud...awesome wording and structure...on the whole an excellent poem. i really liked how you wrote it from a different point of view it was quit well done...good job!!!

Hey dearest. It is I, your kingly god king.

So...LETS DO THIS THANG.

I thought that the title of this poem, was kind of cheeky. "Bored", although it is most certainly appropriate...Veeery misleading hehehe; which is good - the audience needs a surprise.

I thought that the pace and metre of the piece was a little disjointed, because of your line structure. I personally think that, there should be a new line for each bar. This is normally indicated by commas, and full stops that tell the reader to pause slightly. The reader will also normally pause slightly, after each line. However, I suppose that this could be a stylistic device - to mirror a sense of exasperation, and sighing... As well as, being able to reflect the intended creepiness of this poem.

Your first stanza was hit and miss. The first opening lines were very engaging. I find that questions, used effectively are a very powerful poetic device.

It’s ridiculous.

Seems a bit meek, and the intention is clearly much stronger. "This is" would give a more definite delivery...I think.

Daddy’s tough. My
siblings admire me, and

This is what I was trying to explain before. "My" ought to be on the second line with "siblings". But if you have chosen this structure specifically then ignore my jabber lol.

Well, I’m not easily
entertained, but this has
always been fun. I wonder
how loud you’ll be.

This stanza is very nice. However, it just misses short of creating the atmosphere it's intended to create. This might be a place where you can break the structure up, and create a sharp shift of eye movement to alter the speed and feeling.

Aw, are we through?[/i]

The closing line was not at all hitting, my dear. I see where you are going but I think the power of this would come from the tone and intonation; which does not always translate into verse.
Perhaps you could end it with your "toy" being broken etc - dehumanize the victim.

Anyway! Don't get the wrong idea hun, I did enjoy this poem. I'm just pretty nit picky :/

Keep it up!

Love
Kris

Thanks kris.
I've edited! I hope it reads a little better.

Though, yes it could have been a bit more gracious to the genre of creepy, it fuffiled the standaard of a good read. It proved to be kindling toward truth while the sense of a false story remained. Almost as if it was a lie that could have only been found true with another lie. But that sounds a bit harsh, so in a reworded phrase, fiction and fact could replace.
But the type of horror it was insinuating was what really caught my eye. The mind of a teenageer. A most thrilling subject in the least.
And finally, the length was at a perfect point due to its extensive use of secondary detail implying past a standard firsst person figure.

Enemies? I have none.
Grudges? I don’t recall.
I have no need to avenge
or to “regain my honor”. I don't like speech marks in poetry, it messes up the flow of things, too much like the words are removed and then dropped back into place (if that makes any sense to you)
This is ridiculous.

Mommy loves me;
Daddy’s tough.
My siblings admire me, and I don't think you need that comma.
women swoon when I pass.
Depressed? Haha, you’re funny.

Why? She just keeps asking:
Why?
Yeah this is great =] effective.

Well, I’m not easily
entertained, but this
has always been fun.
I wonder how
loud you’ll be. This is my favourite part for sure. It's sort of unsubtle but subtle at the same time. Scary =D

I move toward my tools
and she’s starting to bawl.
How amusing. I’m getting goosebumps.

Anything. She just keeps pleading:
Anything.

Too late now I’m afraid,
Love. Should've left when you Why did you capitalise love? I think it might be better without.
had the chance. But then, I wouldn’t
have my dolls to play with. And that
isn't what I want, sweetie. I'm not sure about this. The wording is good but it just seems like it doesn't flow very well. I think it's the word sweetie, it's sinister so it's good, but it feels like it's stuck on the end a bit.

Now get ready:

At slash one, she screams;
choking at number two! Don't like the exclamation mark. I think it would be much more sinister if this sounded as though it was just said very normally and clinically, like a whisper or a low voice.
Third slash and I hear bones
breaking.

Another toy broken. Brilliant ending.

This is really effectively creepy! I think you did what you set out to do with that. Very good. I like the way it's from the point of view of the killer, not the victim which is done more often I think. I like this kind of thing too, I like CSI and stuff like that, getting in to the mind of the killer. What I sort of want more is motivation for doing this, obviously this guy is insane but what else? I know it's only a poem that you have to get this across in so you can't have huge amounts of detail, but maybe a deeper look into his sickness would be interesting (and sinister).

I like the style of writing you used though, kind of funny and jokey which makes it even more creepy.

Dude!!!!! thats one great poem, and very creepy. At the very end, you gave me goosebumps!
you are one heckofa writer!!!! although i didnt like how you based a whole poem on being bored. that is what draws people away.. but other then that, i thought it was pretty good

Here we go! Commentary in bold...

Enemies? I have none.

Grudges? I don’t recall.

I have no need to avenge There should be a comma here...

or to “regain my honor”.

This is ridiculous. This last sentence makes the whole first stanza perfect. Without it, I would say it sounds a little cliche or not strong enough, but as it is, it grabs my attention because it makes me feel as if there is something not quite right about the narrator, and it makes one curious.



Mommy loves me;

Daddy’s tough.

My siblings admire me, and 'and' should be on the next line.

women swoon when I pass.

Depressed? Haha, you’re funny. I love this last line too. It makes the whole poem very creepy.



Why? She just keeps asking: I would use a stronger word than 'asking' here... maybe whimpering or something... but then again, maybe asking does work because it keeps the ending more of a surprise...

Why?



Well, I’m not easily

entertained, but this

has always been fun.

I wonder how

loud you’ll be. Makes more sense to say 'she'll'



I move toward my tools

and she’s starting to bawl.

How amusing. I’m getting goosebumps. Again, the last sentence is spectacular. I'm getting goosebumps too!



Anything. She just keeps pleading:

Anything. Here I would use an exclamation mark because it makes it more desperate and 'makes your heart race' you could say...



Too late now I’m afraid,

Love. Should've left when you Should've should be a new line...

had the chance. But then, I wouldn’t But should be a new line...

have my dolls to play with. And that And should be a new line... Basically whenever you have a pause like a period or comma...

isn't what I want, sweetie.



Now get ready:



At slash one, she screams;

choking at number two!

Third slash and I hear bones

breaking.



Another toy broken. I think the ending could be stronger... describe how the bones and her screams sound... metaphors and whatnot.

I have to run, but all together I think it is a great poem! Certainly very disturbing... I'll probably have nightmares tonight...

Alright, I've edited again. Anyone else got something to say?