Thought Scramble

[Just a quick note, folks: I think this might be more "prosetry" than anything else, so if there's a better section for this to go, just let me know, kay?]

The problem with me?
I squish butterflies and won't let you touch me much.
I hate red roses and picnics and love songs. (Sometimes)
Moonlight means nothing, unless I'm alone. (Sometimes)
My hands are nervous, they don't like being held
Ignore me for a while, and you have my full attention. (Sometimes)
Throw out all your sincerity and I'll be fascinated.
But Love me? (Always?)

You've made a mistake.
I squish people too.
It burns me inside, but it follows me like a bad habit.
There's something that feels right in your eyes,
but I can't stare you down for very long
I don't want to hold on.
Don't want to let go, either.

I'm not going to rip this sleeping heart out of my chest.
If you want it, you figure it out.
Tab A and Slot B don't actually work; believe me, I've tried.
I'm a jigsaw puzzle.
But I think there's some extra pieces in there....
and a few missing.

Still, in the back of my mind a tiny voice whispers to you,
Please don't give up on me.
I need someone to grab me by the hand and say "Dang it, you're coming"
And how I wish you could do that...

Hm...

I really like this.

Although the ending, just the very last line, didn't fit right in my opinion.

Maybe something like:

"I wish you could be that someone."

I dunno, it's all up to you in the end.

Other than that, it left me near speechless, so bravo to you!

Merry Writing!


~Bella Bambina~

Hello Mally!

So I read your poem and it sounds kind of snazzy. I can see what you're doing to make it sound confused. You love to make it have contrasts, so you say, "I am this... but this..." and so on throughout the poem. However, this format seems a little bit formulaic, and what you really want to do is make it as jarring to the reader as you can. It seems that you tried to do this by changing the format with words in parenthesis (Sometimes) and so on, but I think you can do some stuff with the actual content before changing the formating to suit your needs.

For instance! You have the line:

"Moonlight means nothing, unless I'm alone. (Sometimes) "

That's fine, and in fact, that caught my attention quickly, more quickly than even the front part of the poem. Why does moonlight mean nothing unless she is alone? What does she do when she is alone and with moonlight? Without? So it seems like this line is begging to be expanded on. Don't worry about putting your poem into a formulaic pattern--you don't want to do that anyway. Focus on your unique imagery and make it sparkle. By exploring, even this one line, you will make the narrator's tragedy that much more apparent and tragic.

Hope this helps!

Bella: I knew there was something off about the last line. There was a section there and i took it out because really, it didn't fit with the rest of the poem... so that last line is a remnant of that piece. I like your suggestion, and I may change it to that wording, or something pretty similar. Thanks for the advice and for reading! =)

Bacon: Thanks so much for the constructive criticism... I tend to forget to elaborate. Things make sense in my head, but don't sound nearly so good in text **laughs**
I realize the pattern is a bit tired, so I'll try to edit it... mix it up a little. Thanks again! =)

Mal-
The first part, sounds like the person is a loner and doesn't like to be bothered. Oh, and definitely not a girly girl. Like...
-I hate red roses and picnics and love songs.
Most girls I know, like things like that.
-My hands are nervous, they don't like being held
Tell me why her hands are nervous. Like does she have a nervous condition?
-Please don't give up on me.
I like to know why she suddenly changes her mood from sour to concerning and maybe loving. So between those parts you could give more explanation on why
-There's something that feels right in your eyes,
she now feels this way.
-I'm a jigsaw puzzle.
You're right. She does act like one.
Otherwise Mal, your poem was great. I'm not a huge poetry fan, but I like it.
-Merry

Hello Mallory ^^

Nice work! I really like how different this is, especially the squishing butterflies!
It really paints a nice picture in my mind, yet I'm not quite clear on what its fully about.
I really like it

Sorry I don't have any tips... I'm not to good with poetry X3

Good luck!
Gwenue

I loved this but there were a couple of points that caught my attention:

(Sometimes)

I think there should be a full stop in there, like:

(Sometimes.)

Aesthetically, it just looked odd to me the way it is.

My hands are nervous, they don't like being held.

Full stop at the end. Great line!

It burns me inside, but it follows me like a bad habit.

I think I'd prefer 'It burns my insides' or something else, because I want to read it as 'it burns me insides' in a pirate-like fashion.

I'm not sure about 'follows me like a bad habit' either. I can't really explain why, but the image just doesn't quite work in my mind.

There's something that feels right in your eyes,

Finding another way to say 'that feels right', which we've heard before, would lift the poem even further.

but I can't stare you down for very long.

Full stop at the end.

I also sort of agree about the last line sounding off. How about something like 'And I wish that someone was you...'

Also, although I don't have any suggestions, I'm not sure the title best captures the poem. It almost seems too bland for the poem itself - it would be great to find one that's more distinctive.

Anyway, enough of that, here was what was great about it:

- The entire first stanza. I loved every line.

-

I'm not going to rip this sleeping heart out of my chest.
If you want it, you figure it out.
Tab A and Slot B don't actually work; believe me, I've tried.

- The wish at the end. I liked the turnaround.

I thought it was brilliant. Well done!

Hey, I liked it a lot. I liked how you added sometimes in parenthesis like it was a thought rather than something being said outloud. I also liked how you said "squishing butterflys" in the beggining, it showed how the narrorater keeps everything at a distance.The only critic I have is one you've heard before, the last line says "how I wish you could do that", I think you should replace could with would.But thats just my opinion, over all great job.