Souls - chapter 1

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Broadmoor Asylum for the Criminally Insane, England, 1915

The elderly man slouched in his chair and violently shook his head. His thin, wrinkled lips pursed into a tight crease. “No”. The word spat out of his mouth harshly, but trembled slightly, splintering its significance. That came with his age. Once upon a time, his words would have come out clear and meaningful, but then again, once upon a time people would have listened to them.
“Please, Mr Birchly,” said the warden impatiently, holding out the bowl of what looked like some sort of broth but was thin enough to be water. “Eat something.”
“No!” screeched the man, digging his nails into the arm of the chair like a frightened animal or child. The warden sighed, running the fingers of his free hand through his hair in irritation and counting silently to ten - this daily occurrence got more repetitive by the week.
“Mr Birchly, I shan’t ask you again -”
“I want Marianna!” the old man demanded, his voice wavering as he looked the warden in the eye threateningly, his whole body shaking with rage.
The warden looked at him pitifully, “She’s…she’s dead, Mr Birchly,” he stopped, as the old man’s head turned away, quivering as the memories came flooding back. “Remember?” the warden added gently. Tears welled in the aged mans eyes as he gestured for the younger man to take the bowl away. He had lost his appetite.
Obediently, the warden left, closing the door behind him. Mr Birchly stared out of the window. Nothing. It all meant nothing. His wirey grey hair stuck out at odd angles; it hadn't been combed in days, maybe even weeks. His thin face in a constant scowl, making the wrinkles on his forehead stand out even more. The old man turned his head from the window to his room...well...cell would be more accurate. It was plain, far too plain. The grimy white paint was flaking off of the walls and the whole room stank of stale broth. The smell wafted from the numerus bowls, still full of the slimy liquid, that sat, untouched, in the corner of the room. Attempts to get him to eat, no less.
But Mr Birchly was not going to eat. That was the master plan, see? It was his way out of this hell-hole. Pity the warden saw through it all really.


London, Thursday October 13th 1870

Amos’ hands trembled as he dropped the bloodied knife onto the hard, wooden floor, his mouth widened in horror as he clasped his hands over it to prevent a scream. He circled his victim hesitantly, not wanting to go any closer than he already was. She lay lifeless on the floor, as if sleeping. But Amos knew better. Her pale pink, satin dress was stained with crimson and her skin was as white as a sheet, its colour draining from it already. Whatever life Marianna Birchly had left in her would not be around for long.
The young man tugged at his curly, brown hair in anguish as his eyes darted around the finely decorated drawing room with panic, its normal tranquillity lost in the ominous act of murder. The house’s once familiar appearance now seemed alien; it had become a whirlpool of confusion and nightmares. Amos shut his eyes tightly, and in one outcry of despair, let out the emotions that were trapped inside him. Murderer. The word echoed around the room a little too loud for his liking. He crouched cautiously beside, Marianna's body, praying that some how she could still be alive. He knew it could not be true, but the certainty of it made his heart sink.
Three times he checked for a pulse. Three times in vain. There was no escaping it, Marianna Birchly was most definitely dead. He collapsed on to the body in sorrow, tears spilling down his cheeks uncontrollably. Lifting his head up heavily, he took one last look at his little sister. The shame was hard to bare, one could even argue, impossible. His watery eyes caught on the silver locket that had once dangled from Marianna's slender neck. Slipping it over her head with care, Amos placed it in the small pocket of his waistcoat, alongside his watch. Standing up slowly, he turned on his heel with a heavy heart, and exited what he onced called home.

*****

Amos awoke from an uneasy sleep. Eyeing the room at his chosen inn, he gave a grunt of disgust. It was far from the lavish Westend lifestyle he had been brought up in. Making his way down the stairs, he grasped his head in pain. The headache of the night before's events still hung about. He expected no less. Stumbling out of the door, the putrid smell of Eastend London hit his nostrils hard. Dozens of unwashed bodies, not to mention the smell of the river.... The dingy street was crowded with people, but only one brought attention to Amos.
The boy was young, about ten or eleven, his dirt-stained cheeks indicated his inferiority to Amos. "Read all about it! Read all about it!" he shouted, his unbroken voice ringing shrilly in the crisp air. "Westend Murder!" He waved the newspaper high above his head. The colour drained from Amos' face. Marianna.
"Nasty way t' go..." commented a scruffy looking man to Amos, his newly bought newspaper in hand. "Stabbed. Imagine that? A high-class lady like that! What's the world cummin' to?" Amos said nothing but walked swiftly back inside, vomit gathering in his throat. He had to get out. Get away from London. Away from the memory of her.
Last edited by happy-go-lucky on Wed Aug 20, 2008 10:55 pm, edited 5 times in total.




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I like this story. You do an excelent job with describing everything.

shook his head violently as his thin, wrinkled, lips pursed into a tight crease.
You have a comma that isnt nesessary. insted of wrinkled being inbetween two commas you can have one after thin, or none at all.

I also like the changing of scenery and time.


the bloodied knife onto the hard, wooden floor, his mouth widened in horror as he clasped his hands over it to prevent a scream.

Again, you have an extra comma.

Her pale pink, satin dress was stained with crimson

I like the use of the word crimson here.

and her skin was as white as a sheet,

You simile is weak, white as a sheet has been over used. Get creative.

Lifting his head up heavily, he took one last look at his little sister.

*Gasps* good job at hideing the girls identity


okay, this is well written story and well, to be honest...I want to know what happens next. Keep it up.
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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Hey Happy! I see the word asylum, and that's always a good sign to me. >=D

Nitpicks

The elderly man slouched in his chair and shook his head violently as his thin, wrinkled, lips pursed into a tight crease.

I think this is too long for an opening line. It would look much nicer split up into two sentences, I think, like: "The elderly man slouched in his chair and violently shook his head." (Oh, and I tend not to like adverbs at the end of sentences, so I moved "violently"). "His thin, wrinkled lips pursed into a tight crease." Personally, I think that reads better. Avoid starting out with long sentences.

“No”. The word spat out of his mouth harshly, but trembled slightly, splintering its significance. That came with his age. Once upon a time, his words would have come out clearly and meaningfully, but then again, once upon a time people would have listened to them.

I really like that first sentence. Also, I don't think you need "ly"s at the end of those words. See: "his words would have come out clear and meaningful." See? That works, and sounds better.


Mr Birchly
I really like your descriptions and portrayals of him. He comes off as delightfully old, helpless, slightly unhinged, but in a pitiable way. Very good!

Sentences
You tend to write very long sentences. It's okay to write long sentences, but you do quite a lot of them in a row. Try writing shorter sentences because they're much more pleasant for the readers, and they give the story and more succinct tone.

Plot
This is a well-written story, but the plot lacks reason. The characters have no reason for what they do or where they are, and you never go into enough detail to make us care for them. You started to with Mr. Birchly, I was beginning to feel for him, but then you take us away from him before we get to know him. Linger on his story, let us feel more of his anguish, show us what it is in his mind that drives him to madness, make us feel that hole that is left inside him before moving on to the second part of the story.

As for the second part, the brother has no reason for killing his sister. Is he crazy? Had a moment of anger that went too far? And what kind of victim is she, was she innocent, or had she done him wrong? We need to know these things to feel anything for her death.

You have a nice beginning here, but you need to add more to this story to make it very good. I'd like to se you add the details I suggested, and really make this a tragic tale.

PM me if you have any questions!

~ Clo
How am I not myself?




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Thank you for both of your comments. Reading back over it I can see your points about commas and long sentences, I mus admit it's a bit of a bad habit :D

Hopefully it should all become clear in the next couple of posts. I wanted it to have a bit of a mysterious air about it which could be explained later on in the story, BUT I could be leaving too much out. What do you think?




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You know Happy, I wasn't reading this as a first part to a story while I reviewed, so I'm going to take back some things. For some reason, I percieved it as a stand alone piece. In that case, you do need to give a little more hint that something more is going to happen.

But some of the obscurity is now okay. Because now that I know there's more parts to this, I don't need the brother's motives yet, etc. I still would like more in the first part on Mr. Birchly though. :D I like him.

Sorry! PM me with questions. ^^

~ Clo
How am I not myself?




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Don't worry Clo! I should have made it clearer.

Glad you like Mr Birchly. Its funny how the word "asylum" got you hooked! lols I live in one of the neighbouring towns to the real Broadmoor asylum and it's really annoying when their siren goes off at the start of second period on a monday morning :P lols

thanks for your comment anyway :D




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Have made improvements to the chapter, have added a bit more onto the end so tell me what you think :D




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GASP...again. I'm really likeing this story. Keep it up!!!
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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I loved the quote: Three times he checked for a pulse. Three times in vain.


It was well written. Very descriptive.

I could feel his pain and the flashback added interest.

Xx
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife". Jane Austen - Pride and Prejudice




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Hey Happy!

What a fantastic story! I'm really looking forward to reading more of it. I didn't see anything that needs to be changed in my humble opinion so I'm just going to discuss my favourite part!


Three times he checked for a pulse. Three times in vain. There was no escaping it, Marianna Birchly was most definitely dead. He collapsed on to the body in sorrow, tears spilling down his cheeks uncontrollably. Lifting his head up heavily, he took one last look at his little sister.


The language is just so good and it flows so beautifully!

Chapter 2 here i come
Olivia
xxx
If you wake up in the morning and all you can think of is writing, then you're a writer...



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