Untouched Ch 1

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Edited for length. If any confusion TELL ME!

Chapter One
The Funeral

My dad is making me go to a funeral today. My Great Aunt Sue just passed away last week. I’ve never met her, and by the sound of things, neither has my father. He thinks that by going to the funeral he might get something out of her will. He doesn’t realize the ass kissing has to be done before the old hag keels over.
Like always, I was the first one up, dressed and cooking eggs. Ever since my mother passed away four years ago, I sort of took her place. Not that my father is a bum or anything, but seeing him attempt to be the mother and the father was kind of freaky. Like when I first got my period. Just some things in life are meant for females only. I don’t mind either, since my little brother isn't any trouble most of the time, and my father does what he can.
We are staying in a motel on the outskirts of town. The little town of Hazleton, South Dakota isn’t big enough to actually have a motel. The population was half of the student-body at my school. It’s mostly meadows too, with barns and stinky old farms.
It wasn’t that hard to find something black to wear. My whole wardrobe revolves around the color. But for today, I settled on a knee long skirt and a long sleeved sweater. When I was packing my makeup and other toiletries, I only brought my eyeliner and Chap Stick. I don’t think looking like I belong in a grave is the most appropriate thing for a funeral.
I woke up my brother first. I put out a towel for him and laid out his suit. Then I did the same for my father.
Things were going oddly smooth this morning.
My father is an architect for this fancy company in Sioux, North Dakota. He has a long commute in the mornings and on more than one occasion, he has fallen asleep at the wheel. He usually leaves for work an hour before any normal person should, so when I wake up I usually call him to make sure he isn't asleep. It’s too dangerous to be working so far from home.
We live right on the boarder of Adams and Sioux. It’s a lot like Hazelton but bigger and more suburban. When my mother was still alive she use to complain about the air out here. She grew up in Manhattan but moved here to be with my father. There is a huge romantic story behind it but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s gone.
In the kitchen, my father kissed me on the cheek before taking his place at the round table. “Smells good, as always,” he said with a smile. “A lawyer called me last night saying how I need to go down to his office after the funeral and speak with him. It has something to do with the will, I know it,” he said shoveling a fork full of scrambled eggs into his mouth.
“Here’s to hoping,” I said raising my glass of orange juice.
He winked at me, “That’s my girl,” I started out of the room but he stopped me. “Aren’t you going to have something to eat?” he asked.
“I already ate.” I lied.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to avoid any unnecessary foods. Any types of foods in general are unnecessary.
My boyfriend and I were in the kitchen doing homework one afternoon. I got up to get us sodas and he followed me and wrapped his arms around my waste.
“Genna, you’re packing on the pounds, huh?” He didn’t want it to sound rude, or to say that I was fat. I haven’t been watching what I eat and been gaining a few pounds. He was just reminding me.
My boyfriend’s name is Cameron. We have been dating for about a year now. We had been friends for years but the beginning of sophomore year he took an interest in me. One I could never really understand. He is the captain of the football team and I'm just an average girl with nothing to offer him.
Cameron insists that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But when he told me, it wasn’t so romantic. Right after he told me how beautiful and irresistible I am, he tried to get into my pants. I pushed his hand away and he got livid.
“Don’t you love me?” he asked innocently. What a guilt trip. After that he hasn’t really tried to touch me. Probably because of the sudden weight gain. That’s another reason why I want to lose some weight, I think I’m ready now.
When they finished breakfast, I checked myself in the mirror. My hair was almost to my waste now and a little wavy. Everyone says that the waves compliment my pale heart shaped face. I sighed when I looked straight into my eyes. They are such a plain color. Brown, the color of shit.
I grabbed my tooth brush, knocking my brother’s to the floor. His toothbrush was completely dry. Gross.
“Bailey, we aren’t leaving until you brush your teeth!”
Once Bailey brushed his teeth, we loaded into the Expedition. My father was no where in sight. More than likely he is on his computer making sure everything was okay for him to leave. Heaven forbid he be away for two days, the whole place would crash and burn to the ground.
Speak of the devil and he will come, kidding. My father came outside just as Bailey was about to honk the horn. He had his blue tooth glued to his ear and his brief case, that will always contain a laptop and Twinkie wrappers, in his hand.
“No, Sharon, I’ll be back in town tomorrow. I will be back into work by one o’clock Friday. I left you a bunch of things that need to be done for the Jem Estate.” Sharon is his secretary. I've met her a few times; she has short brown hair and long legs. She is always so frazzled at work because she has a hard tome working to my father’s high standards.
He stayed on the phone with Sharon for a long time while he was driving. Bailey was playing with his PSP in the back seat. Bailey isn’t a nerd, but he isn’t cool either. He is just a misfit, like I was before Cameron came along.
Last school year, an older kid at the elementary school was picking on him for no apparent reason. I went to the school to talk with the principal about it, but he said he didn’t know what I was talking about. Bailey never told anyone this, except me. The principal said he’d talk to Bailey’s teacher to see what was really going on. He acted as if I wasn’t supposed to be there.
Now, I understand that it was weird to have me in his office instead of his mother or father but that’s no reason not to take me seriously.
After a while the bullying stopped. I had hoped it was because Bailey told the teacher or someone, but he didn’t. Instead, he punched the kid in the gut and ran away. He was suspended from elementary school for two days. I had to stay home as well to watch over him. But I’m not complaining.

It wasn’t that hard to find the place. The entire town has all of four side streets. The cemetery held about twenty grave stones and was completely deserted besides a short minister that was balding on the top, standing next to a pile of dirt. Were we early?
When we walked up to the minister he looked surprised to see us. “Hello.” He said, “The lord must have sent you. Sue would have been happy that you came.”
I took a hold of Bailey’s hand and we stood next to my father. “My name is Travis Caine and this is my daughter, Genevieve and my son, Bailey.”
The minister nodded to us. “I am Father Down. How are you in relations to Sue?”
“She was my aunt. I haven’t seen her in ages, but she was very close to my mother.”
I had to hold back the urge to roll my eyes. My father could care less about any of this funeral mumbo jumbo.
Father Down nodded again. He was holding a bible wrapped in rosary beads. “Shall we begin then?” He took his place at the end of the pile of dirt and began his Eulogy. “It is with deep regret that we are assembled here today to pay our last regrets to Susan Davis. She was never a mother, but she was a good sister and a fine Aunt and a friend to us all. Her spirit looks upon us and sees us, in hopes to guide us through our own journeys as she has gone through her own. She will always have a special part in our hearts. Let’s just be thankful that we knew a special lady like Sue.”
My father cleared his throat and pulled a piece of paper out of his jacket. I knew he would be prepared with something. “What can I say about Aunt Sue? My mother told me stories about all the adventures that went on together growing up. I always wished I could have a brother or sister to share the same joys. I only have one memory of you Aunt Sue. I was six and my mother and I came to your house for Christmas. Mom was so happy to be spending time with you after so many years. You gave me one of those old fashion calculators in hopes that I would become an accountant or something along those lines. I still have it somewhere. But Aunt Sue, I wish there was some way we could have more memories with you. And I know that you can hear this. You and mother are together in heaven once again. Until we meet again.”
Father Down touched my father’s shoulder. “That was beautiful; I know she would have loved it.”
My father looked at me and nudged my arm. I wasn’t as prepared. “You will be missed.” My voice cracked a little. It sounded like I was really choked up so my father didn’t push me any further. And he didn’t ask Bailey to say anything. Does that kid ever speak?
Last edited by jasmine12 on Sun Oct 12, 2008 9:45 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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Welcome to the site. I look forward to seeing you around here. A little note though, before you post something try to review first. This gets your name out there more so you have more reviews to count on. The general idea is to have two reviews for every post, but starting out with a few more reviews is probably best. Also, it's a little overwhelming for a reviewer to look at such a long entry. Maybe you could break this up into two chapters or submit them as a Part I, part II kind of thing. All just suggestions. If you've got any questions or anything PM me (it's this sites messaging system). Also I can recommend you to a good friend of mine. Her username is "clograbby" and she'll be happy to review. From what I've seen she does the greatest reviews here. And again, welcome

Probably because of the sudden weight gain and that’s another reason why I want to loose some weight, I think I’m ready now.

This seems to be an unnecessarily long sentence, and you meant "lose". Try this, if you're alright with it: "Probably because of the sudden weight gain. That's another reason why I want to lose some weight. I really think I'm ready now." Yeah I decided to throw a "really" in there. Dramatic effect. It might be hoaky. Your call.

My hair was almost to my waste now and a little wavy.

Waist, not waste.

Speak of the devil and he will come, kidding.

Ok, this is an awkward sentence. It just comes off weird. You could drop the "kidding" entirely. We know she is, you don't need to say it. And the "blue tooth" that comes up in like, the sentence right after that can be trimmed down to one word.

I hopped it was because Bailey told the teacher or someone, but he didn’t.

Hoped instead of hopped.

It is with deep regret that we are assembled here today to pay our last regrets to Susan Davis.

At funerals you always gather to pay your last respects.

And I know that you can hear this, you and mother are together in heaven once again. Until we meet again.”

You could break this into two sentences. Just swap the comma for a period.

It sounded like I was really chocked up so my father didn’t push me any further. And he didn’t ask Bailey to say anything. Does that kid ever speak?

I don't know, does he? With a running narration such as this one it's probably best to stray from hypothetical questions. Also you meant "choked".

The lawyer’s office was connected with an ice cream shop.

Things are typically connected TO other things.

Hi hair is mess but still looks cool from this side.

His hair. Small typo. And adjectives like cool are really bad. It's a very subjective term.

And they were piercing right through me like a thousand knives.

I tried this a lot, but knives as a simile is just really cliche. You can do better, so go for it!

I mean gosh who says ‘heeby geebies’ anyway?

This isn't a criticism, but gosh, spot the irony in the sentence. It's humorous.

“I think he is a little smarter then you give him credit for.”

Than not then.

Altogether this is a great story. You break away from the typical "new girl in town story" by throwing in the dream, which clearly is going to play a larger role. The narration and POV are both very good. Please continue the story, I'd really like to see more of it. Don't forget to start reviewing though. Get yourself out there.
Even with the rest belated
Everything is antiquated
Are you writing from the heart?
Are you writing from the heart?
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Hi Jasmine. If I'm harsh, I apologize. You need to write two reviews per chapter/whatever else you post to be reviewed; I'm sorry that I didn't mention that in the PMs.

He doesn’t realize the ass kissing has to be done before the old hag keels over.
I like this line. :)

We are staying in this motel on the outskirts of town. The little town of Hazleton, South Dakota isn’t big enough to actually have a motel.
You switch tenses in these two sentences, compared to the rest of the story, which is being talked about in past tense.

But for today I settled on a knee long skirt and a long sleeved sweater.
You're probably going to get mad at me but I give this lecture to everyone. A conjuction is a connecting word, not a beginning word. If you're using it for effect, it's fine, but not for grammar. Try combining it with this sentence
My whole wardrobe revolves around the color.


I woke up my brother first. I put out a towel for him and laid out his suit. Then I did the same for my father.
Show, don't tell. Try something like I woke my brother up first, put out a towl for him and laid out his suit, (insert acton that she's doing that here) then I did the same thing for my father.

It’s too dangerous to be working so far from home.
You kind of go back and repeated what you said in the beginning of the sentence. Try putting this in the beginning of the paragraph instead.

It’s a lot like Hazelton but bigger and more suburban.
What is a lot bigger than Hazelton? I don't think people have an idea on how big Hazeltown is; I've never heard of it and neither have some of the other people I've asked so maybe change the name to a big town most people have heard of.

There is a huge romantic story behind it but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s gone.
This doesn't really have a relevance to the story.

has something to do with the Will,
Lowercase Will and the rest of this sentence kind of makes it obvious
A lawyer called me last night saying how I need to go down to his office after the funeral and speak with him. It has something to do with the Will, I know it.”


“Aren’t you going to have something to eat?” he asked.

“I already ate.” I lied.

For the past few weeks I’ve been trying to avoid any non-necessary foods.
Isn't breakfest nessicary? She said she was avoiding un-necessary food, NOT breakfeast althogether.

“Genna, you’re packing on the pounds, huh.”
Question mark at the end because it's a question.

We had been friends for years but the beginning of sophomore year he took an interest in me. One I could never really understand.
These two sentences are okay but the second one sounds like it was the last part of a sentence so try combining them.

But when he told me, it wasn’t so romantic.
Try not to start a sentence with a conjuction but it's for effect so you can leave it there, unless you want to combine it with this sentence
Cameron insists that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.


After that he hasn’t really tried to touch me. Probably because of the sudden weight gain and that’s another reason why I want to loose some weight, I think I’m ready now.
This is okay but this may sound better: After that, he hasn't really tried to touch me; probably because of the sudden weight gain. That's a reason why I want to loose some weight and I think I'm ready now. You never gave us another reason anyway since you're telling us the reason now so that's why I changed Another Reason to A Reason.

My hair was almost to my waste now
Waist.

I’ve always hated my brown eyes, they are too plain.
I've always hated my brown eyes because they are too plain.

I grabbed my tooth brush, knocking my brother’s to the floor. My brother’s toothbrush was completely dry. Gross.
My brother's tooth paste...doesn't really need to be there but if you want to incorperate it, try this: When I grabbed my tooth brush, knocking my brother's to the floor, I noticed it was completly dry. Gross!

More than likely he is on his computer making sure everything was okay for him to leave.
You change tenses with Is. Try was instead.

Speak of the devil and he will come, kidding.
You can either take out Kidding or take this out completly since we know the girl is speaking of her father in a joking tone because of all you've written about him before.

which holds a laptop and Twinkie wrappers,
Tense change again. held instead of Holds.

Sharon is his secretary. I've met her a few times; she has short brown hair and long legs. She is always so frazzled at work because she has a hard tome working to my father’s high standards.
Tense change again. (Going in order of apperance in the sentence) Is should be Were, I've should be I'd or I Had, Has should be Had, Is should be Was, Has should be Had. Take out To Me because it adds nothing to the sentence.

Bailey isn’t a nerd, but he isn’t cool either. He is just a misfit, like I was before Cameron came along.
Tenses again. Isn't should be Wasn't (for both times used), and Is should be Was.

Bailey never told anyone this, except me.
It's an okay sentence but maybe That would sound better than This.

Now, I understand that it was weird to have me in his office instead of his mother or father but that’s no reason not to take me seriously.
The wording on this seems a little off to me. Try rewording it?

I had to stay home as well to watch over him. But I’m not complaining.
Try combining these sentences.

It wasn’t that hard to find the place. The entire town has all of four side streets.
These two sentences are okay but maybe try combining them with Because.

It wasn’t that hard to find the place. The entire town has all of four side streets. The cemetery held about twenty grave stones and was completely deserted besides a short minister that was balding on the top, standing next to a pile of dirt. Where we early?
I like this paragraph because she basically says that the entire town is small and askes why the other people aren't there yet.

but she was a good sister and a fine Aunt and a good friend to us all.
Too many Ands. Try adding a comma to replace the first And and a comma after Aunt.

only have one memory of you Aunt Sue.
Comma after You.

But Aunt Sue, I wish there was some way we could have more memories with you. And I know that you can hear this, you
*Conjuction lecture* Combine them together with the previous sentence.

There was a vet/doctors
Doctor's.

A large guy, around the belly area,
The last part of the sentence (around the belly area) isn't really needed. Sure, you're describing him a little more but it just doesn't seem right to me.

It sounded like I was really chocked up so my father didn't push me any futher. And he didn't ask Bailey to say anything.
Combine these two sentences.

Thank God, I don't live here.
No comma after God because there shouldn't be a slight pause there.

He had the most beautiful golden eyes I’ve ever seen. And they were piercing right through me like a thousand knives.
Combine these two sentences and try to find something better than "a thousand knives."

Normally, he wears jeans and a long sleeved collared shirt.
Too much description here. How would she even know what he normally wears if she's not even sure who he is?

He turned, but not to me,
Period.

he sat on an old red couch
Capitalize the H in He.

Once again
Comma after Again.

I mean who says gosh
She just said it so people still say it.

Genevieve.
Comma instead of a period.

These people might not know any more than I do
Period at the end.

and I wont tolerate it.
Won't.

End chapter one
You don't need to say that because we understand that the chapter ends with the last bit of dialogue.

Genevieve
I liked her. She seems like a normal teen with a normal stupid boyfriend. I like how she stands up for herself against him. I completly understand her not wanting to move; I've moved four times.

Genevieve's Dad
He was okay. I liked how he decided that the move was final and talked to Bailey about it before he talked to her; smart move.

Bailey
He's a lot like how I was when I was that age. He's a good character and a good addition to the story.

Plot
I've read stories like this before but I'm looking foward to reading more. :)

Suggestions/Overall Comments

Work on your tenses; you switch them a lot within the story.
Look over your work when/while you post it because a lot of grammar errors are easily caught then.
Try to avoid using conjuctions; I didn't point out all of them in the story because I figure that you can find them for yourself and decide what to do with them.


PM me for anything at all.:)

-alwaysawriter
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jasmine12-
Or can I just call you jasmine?
Anyway, I've never really checked out the "other" fiction tab and now I totally regret it. Your Untouched ch. 1 is the first one I'm reading and I'm totally loving it!
So have you actually been to a funeral? 'Cause you seem to get all the details down for it.
Genevieve, seems like an average girl but that boy in her dream might not make her so average.
Yeah, what's with that boy in her dream? I guess I'll have to read on.
Nothing much I can say. Well, off I go...
-Merry
~off to chapter two.~




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I am an awful nit-picker since I stink at grammar myself but I though you gave all the charecters some flarour and attitude so they werent just flat old puppets on a string. Also you described everything rather well not to mention you origionality. I love it!
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NigelakaAlex- Thanks for the review when I was still new here. You helped a lot and I have made some edits. Clearly-the dream plays a part in the actual plot that is clearer in the following chapters. Gosh, you're swell! Ha!

Alwaysawriter-Definitely not harsh. Helpful, yes, but never harsh. I've been doing better with my conjunctions now. I had completely forgotten that you weren't supposed to use them. Thanks for the comment about the tenses, I was still toying with what person I wanted to wright in. Thanks again.

Merry_Haven-Yes, Jasmine is fine. Or just Jas if you prefer. Up to you. I have never been to a funeral before, never really wanted to either. Dead people...gross! I'm glad you liked my story. Off I go!

Tabithalillian- Cool name by the way. As you read on, it may not seem original in my opinion. As I said in the PM, this chapter is a snooze fest!! Haha.

Thank you, everyone, for the awsome reviews. I have taken them all to heart and edited the crap out of this first chapter. See you around.
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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I got up to get us sodas and he followed me and wrapped his arms around my waste.


My hair was almost to my waste.

Again, waist not waste.
But when he told me, it wasn't so romantic.

Never start a sentence with but. Or anything like And.

Minor mistakes but, It's very good. I can't wait to review the rest of the chapters. You've got a good start. You've got good potential. Keep up the good work!
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Jas,


the first chapter seem pretty good.


so the father wante to move to beaufort manor. sounds interesting. i will have to check out the other chapters


the plot seems okay to me.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

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He doesn’t realize the ass kissing has to be done before the old hag keels over.


I liked this line :D



They probably call soda ‘pop.’


Hey...I call soda pop sometimes... :D Oh, and by the way you should have the period after the apostrophe


Other then that I really liked this piece. I didn't really find any spelling or grammer errors. Keep it up!




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This story is really good, Jasmine. :D I like how real, down-to-earth it is. I can totally get into your MC’s head. Very nicely done!

My hair was almost to my waste now and a little wavy.


Should be “waist”

That is the only thing I really noticed.

The other thing was your dialogue. The rule that you have to keep in mind with that is when you have tags in your story, you have to remember to have commas instead of periods. For example with your story:

“Smells good, as always. A lawyer called me last night saying how I need to go down to his office after the funeral and speak with him. It has something to do with the Will, I know it.” He said shoveling a fork full of scrambled eggs into his mouth.

“Here’s to hoping.” I said raising my glass of orange juice.

He winked at me, “That’s my girl.” I started out of the room but he stopped me. “Aren’t you going to have something to eat?” he asked.

“I already ate.” I lied.


It should be something like this:

…It has something to do with the Will, I think,” he said, shoveling a fork full of scrambled eggs into his mouth.

“Here’s to hoping,” I said, raising my glass of orange juice.

He winked at me. “That’s my girl.” I started out of the room but he stopped me. “Aren’t you going to have anything to eat?” he asked.

“I already ate,” I lied.


Just remember to do that for the future.

Other than that, this was really well done. I liked it!

On to chapter two>>>>>
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


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jasmine,

Hello; I hope your well. I do like these little intros, and I write them even if I don’t have anything to say - I just like to see them there, heh. Anyway, since that’s done - to your review.


Quote:
My dad is making me go to this funeral today.

I don’t like the “this”. Feels kind of like a specified-not-description, if you get my meaning. If you don’t - awesome. You weren’t supposed to, ‘cause that was a bit gibberish. What I’m saying is that in my subjective POV I don’t like the “this”, and could discuss my dislike in numerous other paragraphs, but I’ll stop.


Quote:
I’ve never met her, and by the sound of things, neither has my father.

Nice.


Quote:
He doesn’t realize the ass kissing has to be done before the old hag keels over.

I don’t like the times of this sentence. The sentence just rattles her/his chains, and moans and groans. “had to be” - but the rest would have to be slightly rephrased. Consider rephrasing, because the sentence is awkward time-wise?


Quote:
Like always, I was the first one up, dressed, and cooking eggs.

Last comma - eliminate. She was, was, was “dressed” and then “is cooking eggs” - that clashes. No else normally cooks eggs, yes? At least that was my impression. If the always, usually, normally does this, then no comma. (comma) dressed and cooking eggs.


Quote:
Not that my father is a bum or anything, but seeing him attempt to be the mother and the father was kind of freaky.

(…) to be both a mother and father (…) A bit bland. Hmm. Add a sentence of why? Like, a funny incident, or something like that. Why was is it freaky?


Quote:
I don’t mind either, my little brother isn't any trouble most of the time, and my father does what he can.

(…) since my little brother (…)


Quote:
We are staying in this motel on the outskirts of town.

See? I’m a totally open person. Go, “this” - here I have nothing to rant about. Here its okay.


Quote:
I don’t think looking like I belong in a grave is the most appropriate thing for a funeral.
*is amused.
[b]

Quote:
Things were going oddly smooth this morning.

Interesting.


Quote:
My father is an architect for this fancy company in Sioux, North Dakota. He has a long commute in the mornings and I am afraid that he falls asleep at the wheel.

Careful not to give too much of this, or the rant will come. Second sentence: Use a contraction. “(…) and I am afraid” sounds so horridly formal.


Quote:
He leaves for work an hour before I wake up, so when I wake up I usually call him to make sure he isn't asleep.

Wake up, wake up - eliminate one. Somehow.


Quote:
It’s a lot like Hazelton but bigger and more suburban.

Comma. I mean, instinctive comma from my part, not necessarily a formal one.


Quote:
There is a huge romantic story behind it but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s gone.

Comma, again. This is what, the third sentence in a row with “but”? Variety, please, in sentence structure.


Quote:
“Smells good, as always.

Have him smile or something here? I think it would look better, a tag here.


Quote:
It has something to do with the Will, I know it.” He said shoveling a fork full of scrambled eggs into his mouth.

Why the capitalization? I know it’s important, but that looks freaky. Also, dialogue punctuation.


Quote:
“Here’s to hoping.” I said raising my glass of orange juice.

Punctuation.


Quote:
He winked at me, “That’s my girl.”

Punctuation.


Quote:
My boyfriend and I were in the kitchen doing homework one afternoon.

It’s a pseudo-memory. Make it so. It can’t not stand out from the rest of the text. Same goes to rest of memory.


Quote:
“Genna, you’re packing on the pounds, huh.”

(…) huh? Or “hun“? Deff not “huh” period.


Quote:
I’ve always hated my brown eyes, they are too plain.

Run-on and so matter of fact. I mean, show her dislike? Shoow it.


Quote:
My brother’s toothbrush was completely dry.

Gross is the repetition, so to say. Nah, just looks weird. “His”?


Quote:
Heaven forbid he be away for two days, the whole place would crash and burn to the ground.

Irony? Then I think his (father’s) actions before this section should be emphasized even more as - as - well, as you want them to appear.


Quote:
He had his blue tooth glued to his ear and his brief case, which holds a laptop and Twinkie wrappers, in his hand.

Consider rephrasing. Weird sentence from poor grammar’s POV, and times clash, too.


Quote:
No Sharon,

Extra comma needed after first word.


Quote:
She is always so frazzled at work because she has a hard tome working to my father’s high standards.

Personalize. Good moment to speak of high standards regarding family?


Quote:
He is just a misfit, like I was before Cameron came along.

Hmm, I’d opt for contraction.


Quote:
Now, I understand that it was weird to have me in his office instead of his mother or father but that’s no reason not to take me seriously.

Comma before “but”. Hmm. I don’t get her line of thinking - why “now”? That seemed kind of obvious, actually. Hmm.


Quote:
. I hopped it was because Bailey told the teacher or someone, but he didn’t.

Type. Wrong times - “had hoped”. She knows better now.


Quote:
The entire town has all of four side streets

This seems a bit awkward to me, but might just be a flourishing paranoia.


Quote:
Where we early?

Were.


Quote:
My name is Travis Caine and this is my daughter, Genevieve and my son Bailey.”

Decide. Decide whether comma before name or no. Frankly, I don’t know. You deal with it.


Quote:
“She was my aunt. I haven’t seen her in ages, but she was very close to my mother.”

Please, please inner comment to that. Pleaaaase.


Quote:
Shall we begin then?”

Comma.


Quote:
She was never a mother, but she was a good sister and a fine Aunt and a good friend to us all.

Consider cutting second pronoun?


Quote:
She will always have a special part in our hearts. Let’s just be thankful that we knew a special lady like Sue

“like Sue” - I cringed. Way too informal, “lady” - hmm. Cringed again.


Quote:
Father Down touched my father’s shoulder, “That was beautiful; I know she would have loved it.”

No comma - a period there.


Quote:
The lord must have sent you.

Yes, that’s a bit up. But capitalize “lord”


Quote:
It sounded like I was really chocked up so my father didn’t push me any further.

Comma.


Quote:
. They probably just wanted to see what was going one.

On.


Quote:
He had long sandy blonde hair and he looked very well built.

Cut second pronoun.


Quote:
I caught him looking at me, but I turned and blushed.

Inner sentence relationship. What has one part to the other? Why the “but”?


Quote:
I wouldn’t be able to wear second hand cloths.

Random comment? Hmm. I’d like to see a less vague connection here.

Quote:
Thank God, I don’t live here.

No comma.


Quote:
There was an old lady at the desk flipping through an old magazine.

There was, there was - cut it.


Quote:
There was a loud cough from behind the door and it opened.

Awkward. Consider rephrasing.


Quote:
I cloud of cigar smoke filed out of the office and into the sitting room.

?


Quote:
A large guy, around the belly area, popped his half bald head out,

Third comma a period. Also, what with the belly area?


Quote:
My father sat in one of the arm chairs in front of the desk and Bailey took the other and I stood by his side.

And, and, and - literally, minus the last one. Point is: Consider revising sentence structure?


Quote:
Sue was a very nice woman since I can remember.”

“was since I can remember”? Awkward. Rephrase, no considering, even if it is dialogue.


Quote:
It says here,” he put on a pair of glasses that made his eyes bug out.

What does it say there? What was said already. Then make that cleared.


Quote:
Being that it’s so old, not many would want to touch it.”

I’ll swallow this one. But he’s - he’s a lawyer….


Quote:
Well, it is a very old manor so that fluctuates.

Contraction.


Quote:
If you find a buyer that likes antiques, then it could be worth a lot, otherwise about four hundred and fifty thousand.

Dash instead of last comma - consider.


Quote:
I thought people stopped saying ’Heeby geebies’ in the fifties.

No need to capitalize.


Quote:
“Then we’ll see whose laughing.”

Who’s. Or, rather, “who’ll be“


Quote:
.My father was furious with me for ‘embarrassing’ him in front of the lawyer so he made me stay at the hotel while he and Bailey checked it out and got something to eat.

Eating part unnecessary, in my opinion, and spoils the sentence. Comma before “so”. I’d like to see this paragraph flow smoother, though.


Quote:
I had a strange dream

So very matter of fact. So what that she had a dream?! is my reaction to that. *pouts.


Quote:
One that I’ve been having since I heard the news of Great Aunt Sue’s passing.

“ever since”? consider. Also, I don’t like the beginning - “one that”. Hmm. Subjective comments, yes, yes, but still. I can be as subjective as I like, even without good reason.


Quote:
Hi hair is mess but still looks cool from this side.

Reread this sentence.


Quote:
He was trembling as if he were crying.

Time change alert. Keep to one.


Quote:
He turned, but not to me, he sat on an old red couch that hadn’t been there a moment ago.

Horridly runon.


Quote:
Then he looked back at me and said my name, “Genevieve.”

Unclear situation. Someone else was calling, yes? And he only now sees her? And he only now knows her name? Or did he know it previously? Oh, my head hurts.


Quote:
I woke with a jolt, the covers being all tangled, choked me

Messy sentence. Consider rephrasing.


Quote:
I looked around me trying to figure out where I was.

Cut pronoun, add comma. Consider.


Quote:
He stood up,

Period. Dialogue punctuation. He’s doing something, an action, not actually starting to say anything, so period.


Quote:
I mean gosh who says ‘heeby geebies’ anyway?

Commas.


Quote:
You aren’t coherent.

Coherent… hmm.


Quote:
I scoffed again and brought my head up,

You know the drill.


Quote:
You are being way to unreasonable and I wont tolerate it.

Won’t.

Quote:
his face was burning red and there was a vein on the side of his forehead that was throbbing.

Capitalize first pronoun. Dialogue punctuation-pseudo.


***

Whew. General comments now.


-> Father’s commuting. Dangerous? Why? Because he has a long way to go? A lot of people do. Perhaps it’s especially long? How? (specifics, please?) Why so very very very dangerous? ‘Cause this exasperated me a bit.

-> Dialogue punctuation. Plenty of articles fluttering about. There are only a few things to learn, but what wisdom one gains!

-> Sometimes you abruptly change times. Those situations are freaky.

-> Rapid progress to lawyer’s. Nu. At least say they’re going there.



Characters.


-> The lawyer guy: I had a hard time swallowing down any lack of contractions in his dialogue. “heebie geebies”? Nice, nice touch.

One “but”, though - the smiling and letting them out. I’d think he’d be a bit irritated at them not believing him? I’d like to see a more drawn out reaction. A less vague one.


-> Boyfriend with anorectic-almost girlfriend. Yes, yes, I know the comment was supposed to be more or less innocent - painful means were , but still. This could have been done (the memory) in a more subtle way. Waaay more subtle, not just stating facts. Could have been, well, deeper.

When talking of boyfriend - so matter of fact, devoid of emotion. Bleh. C’mon, make me care for their relationship? The tinniest bit?

He tries to get into her pants, gets livid after she doesn’t let her, and then asks an innocent question. My main concern is the livid part (I’d like a strongest reaction on both parties to the pants part, as well, though) - I wouldn’t like ot just take your word for it, especially since he’s showing no symptoms of being livid. A crafty psychological blackmailer, yes, but livid? Cool livid, my guess, but - er, yeah. Me no like the scene.

Yeas, yes, three paragraphs and the poor guy gets a longer commentary then the rest of the cast put together…


-> Bailey. Hmm. I’d like to see more of the MC’s low opinion of him, frankly. The picking on him scene could have been more emotional, but I think I do like him, actually.


-> the dad. I was very mad at the ending. I totally didn’t see him progressing from talking to her to having a vein throbbing. I didn’t. Make it more gradual?

Also, he seems a workaholic type. Emphasize that? That and his high standards. But I liked him, too. I liked his very character - I look forward to seeing him develop. Same goes to little brother.


-> Genevieve the MC. What I’d like to see more in her character is emotions. Not just matter of fact chronicles of her life. That, and more of, perhaps, inner commentary. Both shall be explained below, so I’m stopping here.

Yes, yes, the boyfriend thing. She’s cool with the attitude she has toward him, no problem, but just paint a more vivid picture.

On a side note, very pretty name.

***



My main problem with this piece was the matter of fact attitude of it. That I mean in general, since there are parts which I absolutely loved - the personal commentary, not just this happened, that happened. Examples of what I want to see more of are the toothbrush incident, speaking of devils… You get my meaning, yes?

Also, I’d like more showing of what the MC does. Reactions to the world - body language, e.g. facial expressions, I don’t know - inching away from the toothbrush? Lame, that particular example, but more or less what I want.

Reactions -> emotions, inner dialogue-like comments, more of those. To the second - I liked the dream-scene.

Yes, yes, I critique a lot, but keep in mind that anything I didn’t rant about was pretty much amazing (: It kept my attention pretty well, and at no point in your story did I want to just quit.

A big, big plus in your work? Pronouns kept to a minimum, especially “I”. Interesting characters. Pretty names (heh, well, to me, that’s important). Promising storyline.

Overall, good job!



Cheers,
Esme




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I quite enjoyed your story
JacobBlack




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I have just joined the club and i came straight to the other section. However, your story was the first that caught my attention, to be honest it was quite good-i liked the way you used your descriptive words especially at the funeral, i really got the feeling that i was part of it. GOOD JOB!

But if you could please work on tenses and spelling a little bit then it would be perfect!!
ANYWAY KEEP UP!!
JacobBlack




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Dayum. This was long.

But I read the whole thing, so it has to be good.

I really really liked it. A lot.

The character's are...deep. Like I know them. You described them well.

I like where the story is going, but I'm too tired to read any more tonight.

:]

Good job.




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Hey everyone!!!!!

I'm going through all my chapters and editing them!
YAY!!!

So chapters 1-8 are going to be shorter and completely different!!!!!!!!

If any confustion tell me!
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched



Man is by nature a political animal.
— Aristotle