A perturbed blue crocodile

5 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 890
Reviews 4
This fanciful dribble-drabble was done in response to a prompt, aka the title. All comments welcome!
(psst. I'm a bit of a grammar klutz, but don't tell anyone.)

A Perturbed Blue Crocodile

His yellowed eyes were slits, rising above the shallow water like suns. They flicked to the murky sky down to the mud that surrounded his pool. He slithered through the swamp, ready to survey the opposite side of his premises.
He eyed a squirrel, who sat bushy tailed in a tree, clicking his nails into the damp bark. Loneliness and hunger competed for his attention. He had no regrets about what he had done, he didn’t even think about it much. His brain was a flaccid reptilian thing that curved all his thoughts to a dark predatory cast. He was a crocodile in exile, his blue exterior casting him away from his green skinned comrades. He slid over the mud, his indigo underbelly softly hanging into the thick murk, leaving an aquatic trail behind him. The air smelled like rottenness and heat, such a luxurious sultry fragrance to his slit nostrils. He didn’t think about what had happened, but something strange had occurred. His cat eyes were more melancholy, dimmed. His jaw felt less like a wound trap. His teeth, sharp as knives, felt like enemies in his own mouth. Something, perhaps his heart, ached just under his blue exterior.
His name was Blue, and he lived in the Everglades. He’d once eaten the finger off of a child, squelchy and metallic. He’d been stabbed once; he’d watched the red streamer flow behind him as he flew through the murk. It was a fisherman in beige clothing. He hated that pallid color.
From there he’d come to this abandoned area. He could smell those foreign particles coming closer- the exhaust. The two legged things were moving in. Paradise was being worn away, his water that swathed him like a cloak, like liquid chocolate. Where he was king, a sad king in blue.
Her name had been Sylvester. She’d been blue, like him. She shouted “Sylvester!” to the sky. She also said “Hello, baby cheeks!” to him every morning. She was as colorful as him, and she had confided that she had escaped from her golden prison. Now she could fly. She slept in the tree on the edge of the swamp.
He wanted to eat her, but she kept her distance. They talked and talked, about lots of things. She spoke about golden cages, and he talked about the sweetness of mud. Like sugar, she said. He had never heard of sugar.
“Do you taste like sugar?” he asked.
“Sure, sure,” she replied.
“Can I taste?” He snapped his jaws, even as he laid a loving eye on her feathered form, her scaled feet wrapped around a twig. She bobbed her head back and forth, no, no. Her eyes were round, like moons.
Then the creatures in beige came. “Look, dad!” one shouted. It pulled out a stick, grey and heavy. The shot cracked through the air, just as the crocodile Blue began to sink below the water. It barely missed Sylvester, but in her alarm, she flew straight for Blue. The crocodile snapped its jaws, and he felt the feathers slide down his throat. The men in beige shouldn’t have made her come so close to him. The men in beige had killed Sylvester, his only friend.
Just before she faded out of his memory, he wondered if she tasted like sugar. It was a sad taste.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 26
An interesting piece. Different from a lot of others in this forum. It takes guts to put something so different up here, and with that, I say, "Kudos to you."

Just a few things I noticed that should be changed. If you decide you like it the way it was, leave it. In the end, you're the author and I'm merely someone who chose to help.

His brain was a flaccid reptilian thing that curved all his thoughts to a dark predatory cast.


I don’t like the use of the word “thing” in this phrase. Replace it with something else. Object, perhaps would work.

The air smelled like rottenness and heat, such a luxurious sultry fragrance to his slit nostrils.


The air smelled of rottenness and heat, such a luxurious sultry fragrance to his slit nostrils.

Again, a very creative piece. Length isn't a factor for you, which it normally is for other writers. I have to admit, I was surprised.

That's really all I have to say. Good job, and keep up the good work! :D
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you girls doing?"

"Peeing on a stick, you wanna try?"

-My C, Nick, and MC, Kayla.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1840
Reviews 160
That was quite a cute story. However, I did have a few problems with it.

You use the term "murk" and "murky" quite a few times. I suggest pulling out a thesaurus and just tidying that up a little. Repetition of words can be bland and irritating.

His yellowed eyes were slits, rising above the shallow water like suns. They flicked to the murky sky down to the mud that surrounded his pool. He slithered through the swamp, ready to survey the opposite side of his premises.


Also, this bugged me. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'll try.

His yellowed eyes were slits, rising above the shallow water like suns.


There seems to be a conflict here, perhaps only to me, but you use the terms "slits" and "suns" to describe the same thing. Slits are thin, whereas when something is described as a "sun", I picture it as round. I understand where you're coming from with the "suns" thing - as they rise and are narrow until they're completely in view - but it doesn't seem to work well here. The statement just damages what you've already stated.
Perhaps...

"Like suns, his eyes rose above the shallow water."

... as you state later on that his eyes are slits, too. Also, this combats the "slit" repetition. Two birds, one stone, so to speak.

They flicked to the murky sky down to the mud that surrounded his pool.


And here, this sentence is a bit messy. The pool is "murky", must the sky be? And with the way the sentence is structured, you a claiming that the sky is down in a muddy pool.
Perhaps...

"They flickered up to the (cloudy?) sky above, then down to the mud that surrounded his pool."

Oh, and I agree with Patience about the "thing" thing.

I have to mention that I don't like the word "rottenness" in your describtion. It seems a bit painful.

The air smelled of rottenness and heat, such a luxurious sultry fragrance to his slit nostrils.


Perhaps...

"The air smelled rotten with heat..."

Or

"The air smelled distinctly of rotting and heat..."

They might not convey identical messages, but they flow a bit better than "rottenness".

Otherwise, a very good piece.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 608
Reviews 29
I liked it, but I have to agree with Loose and Patience about the 'rotteness' part. It seems like it doesn't flow with the story, so maybe try changing it to something else, such as, "The air was pungent with rotten heat, such a luxerious, sultry smell to his slit nostrils." It's only a suggestion, but I'd like to help if I can possibly do so. :)

Secondly, I also noticed something slightly odd about this part:
His yellowed eyes were slits, rising above the shallow water like suns.
I can't say precisely what it is, but it's something about the slit's of his eyes that rise like the sun. It just doesn't go with everything else. It's creative, but it seems like it needs just a little something else.

And finally:
He had no regrets about what he had done, he didn't even think about it much.


It seems like it's contradicting this(if I take it that's what this is about):
The men in beige had killed Sylvester, his only friend. Just before she faded out of his memory, he wondered if she tasted like sugar. It was a sad taste.


See, there it's like you're saying he's sad about what he did, but the first part says he had no regrets. Just a little confusing. Otherwise, it was interestingly different. Keep it up!
"What you learn for yourself, you will know forever."
- Eugenides, A Conspiracy of Kings




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1395
Reviews 565
Having seen that all the grammar things are fixed, I'd like to point something out. First, crocodiles are never green, though for the story it works. And second, if this is the Everglades it's more likely to be an alligator.
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

"You can be an author if you learn to paint pictures with words."
Brian Jacques



If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion.
— Noam Chomsky