Diaries of an Ex Queen Bee- Ch 4

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Hey everyone! This is chapter four of my book, so please read the first three chapters to get caught up with the story. It really helps if you know what's going on. Lol.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy, and anything you can tell me is appreciated. If you leave a comment or something about this chapter then I'll more then likely read something you've wrote and critique it! So if you review my stuff I'll review yours! :)

I have the whole book written out already so I'll post each chapter in time. Hope you read it all! :D

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Chapter Four: Like a Moth to the Flame

A week and a half past and Iggy and Jackson visited 6 times to visit the dead frog named Toad (even though he was a frog?). My mom and I finally unpacked everything. My fashion expertise helped in the creating of what I call Chateau Homestead a collaboration of California style with our farmhouse style house. I found it quite nice for what we had to work with.

Tristan hadn’t come back yet to mow our yard again and I was scared that he was offended that I hadn’t called him up yet. Any other girl would of called him by now so I wasn’t sure how he would react.
School started tomorrow and I was freaking out. Two days ago I realized I would be the new girl. How terrifying is that!

I know how being the new girl works. When I was the queen bee back at my old school I would scope the girl out, get a first impression. Next I would confer with my friends on why we think she moved here, what her deal was, and what group she would fit into. Then we let time take it’s coarse, with a little help from us of coarse, and she would either become happily fit into a clique before the week was over and if not… well let’s just say Jenny had a pretty vivid imagination about what kind of “issues” she had and Jenny knew who to tell to make the whole school know about the girl’s “issues” in minutes. Poor girl, I know, but it was a safety precaution. We couldn’t of let her just be friends with everyone, her doing that would upset the natural balance of how things were supposed to be. Anyways I wasn’t sure if that was what it was like in this place but I had to put on my best show possible to impress who ever I needed to too to fit in somewhere and then I would climb up the social ladder like any other normal person might.

I already had my cutest outfit on hand along with accessories and my out of date Louie Baton handbag that I loved so much. Hopefully there was no one that fashionable at this school or I might lose it all because what I was doing was fashion suicide back at my old school because things that are out of date stay out of date and should never be worn again.

The day arrived. I woke up to the morning sunlight as usual (I had no need for an alarm clock anymore, which was nice). I lay in bed for a while planning my day out as much as possible. My thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door.

“You up honey?” my mom called in from the crack in the door that she opened.

“Yep.”

“Great. Are you excited?” she said with a big smile on her face.

“Yeah. If going to a new school for the first time makes you happy then sure.” I said with a hint of sarcasm.

“I know it’s hard but we’ll make it work.” I’m starting my new job tomorrow that I know I’ll love and then we can finally get back to our normal schedule. You’ll see, it’ll work out. Don’t worry.”

“I’m not. I know I can make it anywhere but I just preferred Monterey.”

“Yeah, I know. Ok get up. Let’s go,” she started walking toward the door when she turned and said, “I have coffee ready.” I smiled and she left. Put on list of things to do: break coffee addiction.

After I had gotten on my clothes and did all my morning stuff I walked down stairs to the fresh smell of coffee. I decided to stop drinking coffee some other day because today it was just too tempting. After taking a few sips I decided I should get going and scope out the school. As I grabbed my bag and started to put on my jacket there was a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” mom yelled at me from the kitchen.

“I don’t know?” I yelled back. I opened the door to find Jackson covered head to toe in warm jackets, scarves, mittens and such.

“Are you cold?” I asked. Before he could answer my mother came up behind us.

“Hailey, who is it?”

“Hi Ms. Rose.” Jackson said with the same kind of perkiness in his voice as my mom usually does.

“Oh hi Jackson,” my mom said unsurprised. Jackson had become a regular guest in our house so we hardly were surprised to see him anymore.

“I thought I would come by to drive Hailey to school.”

“Oh that’s so nice of you. Her blue slug bug arrived yesterday from the movers but I’m sure she’ll enjoy a ride from you.”

I gave her a look and said, “I don’t really think that’s necessary mom” but obviously she didn’t get the message I was trying to relay to her so she just kept on smiling at me and nudged me towards Jackson.

After we got into his car I said, “Hi.”

“Hey,” he said back. We drove to school in silence except for the few landmarks that Jackson pointed out on the way there. We had gotten there in 16 minutes flat. I was sure I could shave a few minutes off that for Jackson was an awfully slow driver. “Here we are. Alva High. Home of the undefeated Goldbugs.”

“It’s… nice.” I said as I looked around the schoolyard. It was nice. It had a college look to it because it was bigger then I expected and it was mostly made of stone like what I imagined a cathedral would look like.

As we walked towards what I guessed was the lunchroom I was looked through the students to spot the queen bee and her group before they spotted me. I made sure I was strutting my stuff everywhere I walked so if I were seen I wouldn’t be caught off guard. I saw Jackson giving me a look that said ‘what is that girl doing’ but then quickly turned away to open the cafeteria door for me. We walked inside to find hundreds of kids hanging out in their cliques just waiting for school to start.

I didn’t have to look hard to see them. I had found either my new best friends or the worst enemies that this school could offer. They were all standing in a circle in the middle of the cafeteria like an impenetrable fortress. They were all either talking on their cell phones, to each other, or doing their makeup. I had to get closer to get a better look. Just then my eyes were covered and someone whispered in my ear.

“Guess who?” the creepy mystery voice said. That was a mistake on their part. My mom wanted to be extra sure I wasn’t going to get kidnapped when I went out shopping when I lived in California so she enrolled me in Tai-kwon-do. I took that for a couple of years and now I’m a black belt. I knew exactly what to do in a situation like this but I felt I didn’t need a black belt to know how to do what I was going to do. I kicked my stiletto pumps right where it hurt. He crumbled.
“Bloody hell!” he yelped.

“Max, Max,” Jackson said hurrying to his friend, “that’s not Vicki.” I just stared at them with a look of satisfaction for what I had just done. “This is Hailey,” Jackson said as he looked up at me.
“Oh now you tell me,” the guy said, still moaning in pain.

“Hailey, this is Max. Max, this is Hailey,” Jackson said motioning to both of us. “This is my best friend,” he said pointing to Max still crumpled on the floor in pain.

“Oh sorry,” I lied (you don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve got to do that to a boy!).

“No, no, it’s my fault. I thought you were my girlfriend.” Max said looking a little better. I turned to see if anyone was watching this awful display but no one was. Ten minutes at this school and I’ve already seriously injured someone. If they saw me I would be labeled as scary karate chick… wait where were they! I frantically looked around trying to find the clique. They must have been on the move.

“Hey, Jackson. I’ll catch up with you later. Okay?"

“Yeah, yeah. Um… where are you going? School starts in…”

I had to cut him off if I had any chance of catching up to the clique. “Nice meeting you Max. Sorry about the… you know.” Before he had time to respond I was gone. Running as fast as I could I found I was catching up to them. I was almost in sight of them when the bell rang to get to class. Great, just great.

“Off to…” I said to myself. I got out my piece of paper telling me my schedule. “Mr. Barner’s homeroom.”
you know you love me

XoXo




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A week and a half past and Iggy and Jackson visited 6 times to visit the dead frog named Toad (even though he was a frog?).

too many visits. As in the word visit.

California style with our farmhouse style house.

Too many houses.

Any other girl would of called him by now so I wasn’t sure how he would react.

Should be a comma between "now" and "so"

How terrifying is that!

This is a question.

Then we let time take it’s coarse, with a little help from us of coarse[quote/]
You mean course, and that's probably using the same word too many times. Maybe rework this sentence.

Louie Baton

I'm not sure if you're talking about a fictitious parody, but it's Louis Vuitton, and I really wish I didn't know that.

“I don’t know?” I yelled back.

Not a question. When you use a question mark just imagine giving the last word of the sentence an upward inflection.

“Hi Ms. Rose.”

Comma, not a period.

I was looked through the students to spot the queen bee and her group before they spotted me.

That's an unnecessary "was" that you've got in there.

so she enrolled me in Tai-kwon-do.

Tae Kwon Do

Alright, I'm kind of jumping into the middle of the story here so I can't say anything about plot quality or consistency, but from this chapter alone it seems that all that's in order. I like the way you create the scene and your descriptions are fantastic. A friend of mine that's on here (clograbby) likes to talk about showing and telling in writing, and how you should now when to show something happening and when to tell the reader when something is happening. You seem to be doing that really well, but at times you can pay more attention to it. Like when you had the MC describe that what she was saying had a "hint of sarcasm" when we might be able to just see that from her mothers reaction. Outside of that though, you ARE doing a good job with everything, and you should most definitely keep the whole thing going.
PM me with any questions.
Even with the rest belated
Everything is antiquated
Are you writing from the heart?
Are you writing from the heart?
~more than happy to take a look at your work




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well, since someone alredy did it in detale, i dont have to ^_^

sadly, it seemed like you skiped too much time at the begining. first they (jackson) just met, and now their "regulard" at their house?? i know time is an enemy for all writers, but please dont feel like you should rush through the plot. do you watch anime? well, if you dont, there are these things called "fillers". they are episodes that have nothing to do with the plot, nor will they even be reffered to again. filler episodes help with character devolpement, as well as make more money for the animators. butn there are also 'filler arcs", which are 10-50 pointless episodes that no one cares about. the point im getting at is this: those two days could be "filler" days. nothing special or long, but just something to develope jackson more. but, this is your decision as a writer.

again, i love reading your work, so pls keep 'em comin'.
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— Maurice Sendak