Alana: The life of a martial arts master, Chap. 1

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Wow, I have to say this is really quite good. You seem to have a lot of knowledge about martial arts, poses, etc. which really helps me get an image of what is going on in my mind. I also love the setting. Relationships are banned, which is almost perfect to get some heavy heat going. I'm really excited to keep reading, so keep posting. I also really enjoyed the beginning. It gave me the perfect background to the character, and how strong minded she is. All in all, I could I find little to no mistakes in this story. You have a very strong voice, and good grammar.

Great Job!

wow, i love it. i love action books, and i like romance. im excited. ill definately read the rest if you post it.

=D

Great story, I can say you had written it really well. Do you do martial arts? You really had described every single movement. Good work.

There are no pads, there are no helmets, there are no second chances.

Change it to "There are no pads, no helmets and there are no second chances."

I study all of the old martial arts greats

What did you mean by this? Perhaps you meant "experts" or "professionals"

My right leg was straight and my left was about six inches in front of the other. My knee was bent and I was on the balls of my feet. My left arm was extended out, perfectly parallel to the floor. My right arm was bent back but still parallel to the floor. My forearm was turned toward my head so my hand was close to my ear. Both of my hands were shaped like the letter ‘C’, with the fingers slightly apart.
My arms quickly moved down in front of me. They were both bent inward at forty-five degree angles at the elbow. I attacked first, my perfectly aimed kick connected with Eli’s left shoulder. My arms returned to their original position.

This was a really good description.

Great story, really great. I'm waiting till you post the other half.

Good luck.

oh wow. this is different. i will have to continue to look for the another piece for you story. i like it.

keep up the good work.

hey, good story. you either do martial arts or you spent a lot of time studying it. someone told me that you write your experiences so go experience life. and you brought that to your story.
Good Job.
During her run you might want to go into details about the area around the school because the reader doesnt know where it is. Also she has lived a very sheltered life so that would impact the romance that is coming up later in the story...hint hint...
This is a very good story and not one written about often so keep it up. I want to read more.

Thanks everyone for the reviews Here's the second half of the first chapter!
Oh and for the record...I don't do martial arts or anything like that...I made all the poses and kicks up myself

Pain makes you strong, desire makes you weak. Get that through your head and you’re on the road to success. Fail to grasp it and you’ll be finished pretty much before you start.

As soon as you turn three years old you begin to learn how to block pain. It is a long, grueling process that requires immense concentration and will-power. The best martial arts masters, myself included, can almost completely block out all pain. We have to. When someone kicks you as hard as they can you can’t let the pain take you over. You have to trick your mind and pretend it didn’t happen. It’s not easy, but failure to do it right has disastrous consequences.

I finished a four mile run and came back inside. It wasn’t a hard run by any means but it helps to clear the head. The academy was wonderfully cool and comfortable. I avoided hallways that would have people in them and went up to my room. Because I’m the only girl here I get my own room. Everyone else shares with at least one other person. My room showed very few signs that I lived here. I had the same blue walls, sliver carpet, and black accents every room did. The only real personal things I had were newspaper clippings of my wins on the walls and pictures of the greats to inspire me. I kicked off my shoes and lay down on my bed. I thought about the season of fighting ahead of me.

It began with the Monty Memorial Fight, in memory of the greatest Martial Arts Master ever to walk this earth, Monty. No one can even begin to compare to Monty, he was in a league all his own. He broke the Japanese’s thirty-eight year winning streak in the World Championships and then won World’s a record four times, which even now is completely unheard of. His only rival was fellow American, Casper. They were always neck and neck, their fights lasting far longer than the average one. When they were both seventeen and in the peak of their fighting careers, Casper challenged Monty to a fight to the death. Now you don’t need to actually kill someone to win one of these fights. You can knock them out cold or kill them. Traditionally, there are two kicks that will allow you to win, one is a blow to the neck and the other is a blow to the chest, right where the heart is. Their Death Fight lasted longer than any in history. Both used signature moves and fought brilliantly. However, in the last set Monty did a move that Casper could just not come back from, the Monty Death Kick. It uses incredible stamina, speed, and strength. He jumped up and with both feet kicked Casper in the ribs, shoulder and head. Casper went down. Monty finished the fight with a blow to the chest, killing Casper instantly. Monty disappeared after that fight and was never seen again.

Monty was on my mind a lot. His legacy fascinated me. He was only thirteen when he broke the Japanese dynasty, an age that most aren’t even a master yet. I watch the tape of his Death Fight constantly and it still wows me every time. The speed at which he fought and just the general skill is mind blowing. I learn something new from him every time I see it. I’ve also always been fascinated about where he may be now. Some say he’s dead, others say he’s hiding out somewhere. Some crazier people believe that he’s secretly training his own killer army to take over the martial arts world.
A buzzer rang from speaker in my room. Ten minutes until dinner. I changed out of my sweaty clothes before heading down to the dining hall.

Meals are always loud events. The entire academy gathers around two long tables and fills up on delicious food prepared by the academy kitchen staff. Because training sessions are so serious and require so much focus, meals are a good time to unwind. The younger kids tell jokes and goof off and the older kids try to impress one another.

Master Lain sits at the head of the larger table; other trainers sit strategically among the kids, keeping order. Master Lain’s mistress, Madame Lyons sits to his left. Her only real purpose at the academy is to keep Master Lain company. Eli and I always sit by each other but not too close to any one else. Face always sits alone, away from everyone.

At the end of the meal Master Lain stood and once again stressed the importance of the next few days, with the Summer Season getting so close. He dismissed us to free time. We have an hour after each meal for either school or free time. This is so our food can settle and we don’t get sick. I usually go study martial arts greats or talk with Eli.

Since Eli isn’t allowed in my room we went to his. As soon as his bed was in sight he kicked off his shoes and lay down on his back, spread eagle with his eyes closed. I sat on a rug next to his bed.
“I am so tired.” He moaned. “I ran nine miles right before dinner.”

“Good work.” I smiled.

We were quiet for a good minute or two before he slowly sat up. “Do you ever think this is just a big waste of time?”

Where did this come from? “What do you mean?”

“This, all of this, the academy, training, everything.”

“Why would it be a waste of time?”

“Think about it Lana, we know nothing. We’re just being used as pawns to settle age old disputes with other countries. We don’t know anything outside of these walls. I was on the internet today and there were all these headlines about terrorists and wars and stuff and we don’t know about any of it. I mean, what the hell is a ‘Sunni’?!”

“I have no idea.” I said truthfully. “But, martial arts is about more than that. It’s about strength and mind power and believing in the impossible.”

“Yeah, that’s what Master Lain says, but how do you know that he’s not lying? How do you know that he isn’t brain-washing us from the moment we set foot here?”

“He probably is, because he has to. It’s the only way to get anything done.”

“But why should we be the ones that have to work our asses off and participate in this madness? The only reason we’re here is because someone long ago got pissed off and decided the only way to solve their problems was to train a bunch of kids to fight each other so that one country is ‘better’ than the other. Is it just me or is that the most asinine thing you have ever heard?”

“So what do you want to do about it? Just quit and leave? We have nowhere to go. Neither of us has any form of a family to run back to. What’s with you? You’ve never talked like this before.”
Eli looked thoughtful for a moment. “What kind of family just dumps their kid at a martial arts academy, never to have any contact with them again?” He said quietly.

Oh. This conversation again.

He turned and stared at me. “What kind of mother abandons their child at a fucking martial arts academy? Just leaves them there and never calls, never writes, never shows up at competitions. Just abandons them.”

We had conversations like this a lot. Neither of us had any idea who our parents were. The only ‘family’ we remember was Master Lain and Madame Lyons here at the academy. Whenever we asked about our real parents we were always told that they didn’t know anything about them, just that they were young, confused, and wanted their kids to grow up strong and loved.

I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t know what to think. There were no answers. There was nothing to say.

no takers?
come on people...please review

Oh, wow. I would have spent countless hours researching martial arts, but that's good. When you get the next chapter out, Pm me, because I couldn't find this earlier. Okay so heres what i found.

Pain makes you strong, desire makes you weak. Get that through your head and you’re on the road to success. Fail to grasp it and you’ll be finished pretty much before you start.

Excellent paragraph. Bravo.

Because I’m the only girl here I get my own room.

Little nit pick. Try not to start a sentence with because. Try rewording the sentence.

Casper.

I love this name. In one of my stories, there is a ghost name Jasper...get it? Casper, Jasper...yeah any ways, moving on.

He jumped up and with both feet kicked Casper in the ribs, shoulder and head.

That's three places and two feet? How would that work?

Ten minutes until dinner.

You can either put this into its own sentence as Ten minutes until dinner, I thought. Or put it into the previous sentence with The buzzer rang meaning dinner in ten minutes Or something along those lines.

Because training sessions are so serious and require so much focus, meals are a good time to unwind

. Two things, don't start with Because and isn't prepared food always disgusting? Maybe they are catered. haha.

Since Eli isn’t allowed in my room we went to his.

Wouldnt their be a simular rule for things like this?

‘Sunni’?!”

Indeed, what the hells i a Sunni?



I like how Eli questions his reason for being at the acadamy. It's good
Pm me when you have another chapter up.
Keep it up!!!

thanks much for the review! i'll take a look at those things

I like it so far, the idea that there is a special force team of teenagers out there to settle the world's disputes... Interesting.

It gets a little techinical in the beginning, describing the details of Alana's posture, but it has its own charm that way.

I know it's a little early to say this, but be carefull with your characters. Don't let Face become the typical quasi-villian that contributes only snarky comebacks to the story. And don't let Eli lack a distinctive personality. So many books nowadays seem to forget that the supporting characters have personalities too...

dreaming_in_poetry wrote:I know it's a little early to say this, but be carefull with your characters. Don't let Face become the typical quasi-villian that contributes only snarky comebacks to the story. And don't let Eli lack a distinctive personality. So many books nowadays seem to forget that the supporting characters have personalities too...

Whoa...totally didn't even realize I was doing this! Thanks much...I'll get working on them

this is really good so far. Very interesting and a nice combo of romance/action. I've still only read chap. 1, so bear with me if I ask questions answered in chap. 2:
Why has she been in a marshal arts school since she could walk?
and is the killing thing a bit blunt? i would try to mask it a bit...
idk, it's great. I can't wait to read more!

glad you like it
i'll try to get those questions answered in upcoming chapters
thanks for the review

Hi tmne22. Sorry it took me so long to review this.

It wasn’t a hard run by any means but it helps to clear the head.

This sentence is okay but what about "It wasn't a hard run by any means but it helps to clear my head."?

Because I’m the only girl here I get my own room.

Nitpick here. Try not to start a sentence with Because since it sounds like it's part of another sentence.

He jumped up and with both feet kicked Casper in the ribs, shoulder and head.

Wouldn't it be hard to kick someone in two different places like that?

Because training sessions are so serious and require so much focus, meals are a good time to unwind.

Nitpick here. Try not to start a sentence with Because since it sounds like it's part of another sentence.

Master Lain’s mistress, Madame Lyons sits to his left.

"Master Lain's mistress, Madame Lyons, sits to his left."

Her only real purpose at the academy is to keep Master Lain company.

Generally speaking, if a woman doesn't run the school and doesn't have another job that requires her to do so, women don't really help with a school anyway--they just sit there, feel important, and stay away from all of the children or "lesser" people. At least, that's what I've gathered from books.

spread eagle with his eyes closed.

What's spread eagle? You may want to explain this to the readers.

Where did this come from?

Where did this come from?

“But why should we be the ones that have to work our asses off and participate in this madness?

Nitpick here. Try not to start a sentence with But since it sounds like it's part of another sentence.


Overall comments/suggestions:

I was taken in after the first sentence. I wanted to know more about the martial arts school and Alana. You kept up the good writing all the way through. Good job!:)
There was a lot description in there, which I normally object to, but I thought it was awesome.
Add more dialogue--readers want to hear the characters talking, along with the descriptions.
There's a few grammatical errors and not everything is cleared up so I'm hoping that you'll work on that in the next chapter.

To answer Jasmine12's question, a Sunni is a Muslim.

Anyway, I thought you did a great job and PM me for anything at all.

-alwaysawriter