Don't waste your time clicking here

how do you delete stories? My updated version of the story, Half-Blood, is taking its place, its the same exact story.

Nitpicks first:

Agian.

It's 'again'.

I have had the same vivid, reoccuring nightmare since I had turned sixteen, nine months ago.

Not to be mean, but there are quite a few errors in that single sentence. D: Go through it again yourself and also consider its syntax.

a minute of two

'A minute or two...'

Mallory, even though she was my mom prefered me to call her by her name, I always had.

I think it sounds better if it's:

Mallory, my mom, preferred me to call her by that name. I had always done so.

But of course, there are other ways to reword that sentence, but your version didn't seem to work.

Abarat, of the dresser.

It should be 'from' the dresser.

dark ally

'Alley'.

I feel what seems an unquenchable thirst.

Watch your tense, and it should be:

I felt what it seemed to be an unquenchable thirst.

To my surprise, I [s]am[/s] crouched in the darkest corner.

Why was she surprised that she crouched in the corner?

it is always a different face. They walk in keys out and jingling to open a door.

Watch. Your. Tenses.

crepe

It should be 'creep'.

Suddenly I am in fast motion, I am leaping at them.

There should be a comma after 'suddenly', and again, watch your tenses. If you started with past tense, keep using past tense.

~~~

Overall:

First of all, break up that huge wall of text into little paragraphs. There were so many ideas cramped into one wall of text that it's hard to read for the readers. Secondly, watch your grammar and spelling. I'm usually not very heavy on that, but at least attempt to edit after you're done with a draft. It's much easier on the readers' eyes. Watch your tenses, you started off with past tense but then by the end of it, you used present tense. Check your spelling too!

Okay, asides from being all technical and such, I think this piece needs some major tweaking. Your sentences were... Well, it was all 'she did this, she did that'. It's not really captivating for the reader if you merely blab what your character does, give it more life. Secondly, try to omit useless information. We didn't really need to know that she called her mom Mallory. Or rather, we don't need to know that yet. We might need to, later on in the story, but not at this point.

I don't know, there weren't much development of plot in this little first bit. So I can't really comment on that. However, my suggestion for you would be to work on syntax, style, and grammar. Be consistent with your tenses!

Good luck, don't give up though.

Hi Kaylyn!

In case you didn't know (not to sound patronising), one of the Rules on here is that members must review at least two other pieces of work before posting any of their own. After that, try and review twice as much as you post your own work.

I didn't read all of this, mainly because the title put me off. "Halfling"? That's a complete Tolkien rip-off, and it's a cliche in its own right, as well. I'd try and think of another title, and not to use the word "halfling" at all. And the M/C's been having nightmares since they turned sixteen? I'm afraid that that's cliched as well.

I could be completely wrong about it looking to be cliched, and hopefully/probably/maybe that will be what happens.

It would help if you spaced this out more, so you have more paragraphs. The first part is one big chunk, and it's rather hard on the eyes.

I walked across the room to grab my favorite book, Abarat, of the dresser. It was the book I always read after I woke up from a nightmare. The pages were worn thin from constant reading. My best friend Tyler had given it to me on my 15th birthday as a gift. I quickly retreated back across the room and scrambled into my still warm bed. I sat against the pillow as I read a few chapters. I was suddenly bored of the book, and I dropped it onto the floor next to my bed. I reflected on the nightmare. It always started in a dark ally next to a busy street. I feel what seems an unquenchable thirst. To my surprise I am crouched in the darkest corner. I am not alone for long before someone arrives, it is always a different face. They walk in keys out and jingling to open a door. For some odd reason I am drawn to them and crepe slowly towards them. Suddenly I am in fast motion, I am leaping at them. It takes only seconds to reach my victims neck, and the sickly-sweet taste of blood fills my mouth. I drink in deeply taking my feel, leaving the body a pale empty shell and my thirst quenched...

Big chunk. You can make this:

I walked across the room to grab my favorite book, Abarat, of the dresser. It was the book I always read after I woke up from a nightmare. The pages were worn thin from constant reading. My best friend Tyler had given it to me on my 15th birthday as a gift.

I quickly retreated back across the room and scrambled into my still warm bed. I sat against the pillow as I read a few chapters. I was suddenly bored of the book, and I dropped it onto the floor next to my bed.

I reflected on the nightmare. It always started in a dark ally next to a busy street. I feel what seems an unquenchable thirst. To my surprise I am crouched in the darkest corner. I am not alone for long before someone arrives, it is always a different face. They walk in keys out and jingling to open a door. For some odd reason I am drawn to them and crepe slowly towards them. Suddenly I am in fast motion, I am leaping at them. It takes only seconds to reach my victims neck, and the sickly-sweet taste of blood fills my mouth. I drink in deeply taking my feel, leaving the body a pale empty shell and my thirst quenched...

If I look upon this with a wild surmise, it seems that perhaps the M/C will become a wild wampire in the next few chapters?

-

Don't get put off if this seems harsh. The only way you can get better is to need improvement in the first place. Happy proofreading, and hope you enjoy the site!

Hi there,

I agree with the other reviewers that you need to break this up into several smaller paragraphs.

Mallory, even though she was my mom prefered me to call her by her name, I always had.

I was confused by this. Try rewording it, maybe "Even though Mallory was my mom, she preferred that I call her by her name, so I always had." or something like that.

She would still be asleep, and I would hate to wake her up.

This sounds weird to me. I think it's because you used "would" twice in the same way. how about you just say "She would still be asleep, and i didn't want to wake her up".

It was the book I always read after I woke up from a nightmare. The pages were worn thin from constant reading.

I think these two sentences could be connected nicely, i think, such as "It was the book i always read after i had a nightmare, and the pages were worn thin from constant reading."

My best friend Tyler had given it to me on my 15th birthday as a gift.

This seems out of place. If tyler is a significant character in your story and you need to keep this bit of information about the book, try to work in the fact that it was a gift from her friend earlier, instead of just sticking it on the end like its an afterthought.

The description of the nightmare should be in its own paragraph and have the same tense throughout.

It always starts in a dark ally next to a busy street. I feel what seems an unquenchable thirst. To my surprise I am crouched in the darkest corner. I am not alone for long before someone arrives, it is always a different face. They walk in keys out and jingling to open a door. For some odd reason I am drawn to them and crepe slowly towards them. Suddenly I am in fast motion, I am leaping at them. It takes only seconds to reach my victims neck, and the sickly-sweet taste of blood fills my mouth. I drink in deeply taking my feel, leaving the body a pale empty shell and my thirst quenched...

I hated the dream, and could never get back to sleep after having it, maybe I really did need to lay off the vampire books for a while. But tonight was an exception as I slowly drifted off into a mercifly (wrong spelling, i think) dreamless sleep

Most of your sentences seem to repeat the same structure. try varying them. Other than that, it seems a little obvious that she's going to become a vampire. maybe the nightmare could be a little more vague about what horrors await.

hi kaylyn
wel other than the gramical things al ready discussed i think this peice could be very promising.
ok it is a littel clecha (sp) a nightmare like, but the description of the"thirst" was definitly interesting, and could be expanded on.
i like this little snipits of background information, like calling her mom my her real name, and when and where she got the book. adding a stubstance to the back story
I injoyed the peices overall, and would definatly keep reading this if it were a book, but perhaps you could add some more origonality in the next bit to really grip the reader.
looking forward to you future posts, lotti

im sorry you sleep with your mom and how was that a fantasy?

This is my rough draft. So i would like it if you used the edited and new version of the story, Half-Blood. Thanks for all the help.

you can't delete anything if it's been replied to.

about the only thing you can do it erase your text and lock the thread.

:\

We don't suggest you delete literary works because then people loose their post/review points, and those are valuable things! But I will lock this for you. You can also remove it from being seen in your portfolio. If you go to your profile and play around with your portfolio settings I'm sure you'll figure out how to do it.

If you need anything else locked feel free to message me or anyone else in green.