Alone Again

You comb her hair,
You gently stroke her arm,
Were you really that innocent?
Did you really care so much?

That it wouldn't even matter,
If she told you that she loved you,
When she kissed you on those ruby lips,
What ran through your mind?

When you told her you were already preocccupied,
You had another girl on your mind,
You were lost in a realm of love,
But did you really care?

Did it really matter that,
She was alone again?

I think you should try to remember, every poem should have a rhythm, so that it flows nicely, and you can find that rhythm by deleting unnecessary words. When you have to many words in a poem, it sounds crowded, and it just sounds better with less. So just take out a few here and there, like 'gently' in the second line. Other than that, it sounded great, I really understood what that person was going through, and I liked it a lot. Good work!

Thank you!
That was really fantastic advice.

Yes, I agree. Some phrases like "already preoccupied" just seemed too long to have any natural flow with the rest of the poem. Also, I though the way you punctuated the thing was a bit annoying, and it wasn't very grammatically sound.

And the last line sounds very awkward, because the lines themselves don't flow, and you have an unessessary comma there.

I think we have some great poetry tips in the resources section of the site (top of the page). You should really check those out, as I'm not much of an expert on poetry myself. There are some really great articles on punctation and all that.

Happy writing!

[s]BlackGhost[/s]

i liked this poem a lot. There were a few mistakes though. I couldn't really understand the first section, but I think that was mainly due to the rythm. Towards the end of the poem it started to flow much more, but there was still an awkwardness to it. I think that you could've explained a lot more, it was a very good topic choice.
*creative
*okay
I hope to read more of your work.

oooh I like this

Thanks Guys!
I will check out those tips.
Yeah this was mostly just me writing blah blah that didn't make too much sense, and had to get it.

Well, that didn't necessarily mean that it was not a good use of poetry.
Isn't poetry simply random chaos in the mind that can be set and described as blah blah blah? I would say though the rythm was a little disgruntled with the plot, the poem was perfectly written

The mere configuration of deep emotion within the characters head into the lineage of the plot was planned perfectly instead of a simple story written in stanzas. I hope you continue to use this tool in future poems.

This was a good attempt and it was open and honest. I could see what you were trying to say, but I’ve never felt this way and was a little confused as to what the main point of the poem was. Maybe you could expand it a little but I’m not much of a poet so it’s your choice. It wasn’t great but it was far from bad.

Did you really (not necessary unless you really want some emphasis there) care so much?

When she kissed you on those lips. (Change comma to put period)

When you told her you were already preoccupied, sounds kind off strange. If you could use another word it might flow better.

But did you really care? in the 3rd stanza didn’t seem to fit in but I’ve never felt this way so I could be wrong.

Did it really matter, that (shift comma to before that)

Hope this helps, good luck. Not a good poet so my review might be kind of off. Sorry.

It seems like there is a lot of feeling in this poem, and that's what i think is imortant. There were a few mistakes, but it's nothinig that a little time revising wouldn't fix. I liked this poem a lot.

I really like this. It's easy to relate to. As it's been said before, just a few little rhythmic changes might help it flow better. But i really like the message in it, and i think the questions at the end of each verse kind of pull the whole thing together

rhythem rhythem rhythem! if it had more rhythem, it would be the perfect poem! you have a knack for writing down your feelings down on paper. i should be the one asking you for poetry advice
not the otherway around. umm.. the only things you need are more detail and more emotion in your poetry