the pangbourn family 2

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So, for the ones who didn't read the first chapter this is wat happened
Jane (the main character) her brothers James and her mom Tina are going hunting by themselves, bacause they have a secret...they dont drink humand blood, but the rest of the family does.
This family is incredibly powerful, one of the most powerful families in the world
I'm going to post the preface which is really short and then, i'll continue with the second chapter...please review if you want me to keep posting :)
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Preface

It’s funny, how your whole life can change in one second, how everything you know vanishes in front of your eyes. How one second, can change everything you’ve planned, everything you’ve dreamed of. How a person can show into a room one day and change everything. How could he have changed everything?
The day when he showed up, everything turned upside down. The word impossible didn’t mean anything anymore. When he showed up, he stopped a war that had been on for centuries, and created a new one, that was even worse. You might be wondering... How can one person cause all this mess? Well, the thing is: we are no persons, we are not people, we are not human.
In this world, there are two creatures, more evolved than humans. Those two creatures have been in war for more than a nine centuries. They are a secret, told as a legend. They are vampires and werewolves. These two kinds of creatures have two simple rules. First: Do not tell the secret, about what you are, to any human. Second: Always be loyal and faithful to your own species.
My life had been quite simple until that day, until the day I found out that the second rule wasn’t as easy to follow as I thought it was, until the day I met Seth Barton. This takes me to the beginning of my story, to London England, to the house of one of the most powerful families in the world. The Pangbourn family

Chapter 2

I followed my brother to the door, and my mom was behind me, until I hear a voice coming from the stairs

“There will not be hunting today” Said Elizabeth standing up in the stairs

What?, we haven’t gone out for 2 weeks, and I am getting really thirsty, something bad has to be going on for her to cancel the trip

“We have a family meeting in 5 minutes, go and get ready” she said with anger and then she left

“Great!, a family meeting, I hate them” sighed James

“I know guys, but it’s in five minutes so go and put your gowns on”

As I walked to my room with my brother, I felt a strong need to escape, I really hated this family
“James, I hate this” I told him

“I know” he said

“Why do we have to change into those ugly dresses, we are in the XXI century for God’s sake, I would really use some changes”

“Jane, haven’t you told me a thousand times that we have to respect our family traditions because we are the “royalty” in Europe” he said raising an eyebrow

“I know, but I’m getting sick of it” I replied

“Just go change”

Me and my brother were the first to get to the meeting room, it was all dark, made of wood and had the family crest hanging in one wall, the only light we had was the one of the chimney and a couple of candles. Every time I enter this room, I feel like if I have been transported 500 years back, and the dresses didn’t help either, we all had to be elegant, so we put on some dresses that were made for the family back in the 1200’s

“What do you think this is all about?” I asked James

“I don’t know, it must be very important to cancel a hunting trip”

“Yeah”

Slowly, the rest of the family members entered the room, first my mother, who was wearing the same dress she wore on her portrait, then Marc and Laura, they were the two members that hated me the most in the whole family, especially Laura, she told Marc all this fake stuff about me, and because he loves Laura so much, he believed every word she said, thought I tried to make him realize the truth, he’s so blinded by love, he didn’t believe me

Don’t you think Marc looks more stupid today that every other day? My brother thought


Yeah, I can’t believe he actually thinks Laura loves him, I mean, she is 21 and he is like 50 I thought so he could listen

My brother and I have this especial ability, we can read each other thoughts. David tells us it is because we were so connected in our human life, that when turned into vampires, we were gifted with this

You know she’s not actually 21 right?

Whatever, you know what I’m talking about I thought

She’s so pretty!

Yuck!, I can’t believe you actually thought that!

Actually, Laura was really pretty, when I first joined the family, it was hard to look at her, I don’t know, but I think it actually hurt looking at her for a long time. She was tall and skinny, she had green eyes and her hair was blonde and curly, she had big red lips and her eyes had a black line under them, that made them look even prettier.

I hated her

But not because she was beautiful, but because she treated me like rubbish, she thought I didn’t deserve to be in the family, and one time, she almost convinced Elizabeth lo kick me out of the family, it is because of David that I’m still here, he didn’t agree.

Then Elizabeth and David entered the room, and we all had to stand up. David, was Marc’s real brother, just like me and James. They were twins, except for their hair, David had Blonde bright hair and Marc was brunette, they both were tall, handsome and had the most beautiful honey eyes I’ve ever seen. I obviously liked David better.

Elizabeth, on the other hand, wasn’t that pretty compared to the rest of us, she was short, black eyes and black hair always gathered in a perfect ponytail. Her nose was a little too big for her face, but she still was kind of pretty. She always had an scary look in her face, always angry and fighting, I think that I haven’t seen her smile once in the 35 years that I have been in this family

“you may sit” she said

“What’s going on Elizabeth?” asked Marc sounding concern

“Well, we have canceled a hunting trip, it’s really important” started David “As you all know, in the last couple of years the war between us and those dogs has been pretty calm, but, today, one pack attacked a whole family very important in Japan, they didn’t win though, our species was able to kill two of them, but, one of us was murdered. When the news came out, one family of us in the United States attacked a werewolf family , two of the got killed and one is terribly injured, two werewolves are also dead so you all have to be careful” he concluded

“What do you mean we have to be careful?” my mom asked

“Well, you know that both of the species tend to attack nearby families, so we have to be prepared for an attack” answered David

“But, there is no werewolf family here in England, or in London at least, and if there is, they are nomads, not strong enough” I said

“That’s another reason we are having this meeting” said Elizabeth “A really powerful werewolf family just moved to London a few hours ago, they come from Ireland, and they were pretty big there, that’s why there were not a lot of vampires in Ireland”

“What?” my brother whispered “you are not talking about the Barton family are you?”

“Yes” answered Elizabeth after a brief moment of silence

“What? You know what would happen if they attack don’t you? They are more than us, I read in one of the books in our library they are around 12, we won’t be able to resist an attack!” I yelled

“Calm down little chicken” said Laura with a tiny smile on her face “They are not going to attack us, they know if they do, they would start a war in all around the world, they can’t attack one of the five vampire royalty”

“Don’t you think that’s what they want? They want a war, if they didn’t why did they move here?” I threaten Laura

“Enough” yelled Marc looking at me “For now we only have to be prepared for everything”

“Just be careful okay?, I think it’s better for us to go hunting together, we’ll go tomorrow” ordered David

Uh-oh, we can’t go with them!, they’ll discover our secret

“Take care and remember we have an advantage over them, we don’t have needs and they do, if they attack us, we can easily plan an attack at night, when they are wasting their time sleeping”

“Meeting’s over” said David and then Elizabeth and him left the room

What are we going to do tomorrow?” I asked my brother in my mind

I don’t know, we have to talk to mom

I nodded

We had to make a plan to get out of the hunting, if they know we don’t kill people, they would expelled us out of the family. We had to think of something, and it had to be fast
"It's a wonder I haven't abandoned all my ideals, they seem absurd and impractical. Yet I cling to them because I still believe, despite everything, that people are truly good at heart" Anne Frank.

Diana!




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Hello,

My name’s Esme, and I’ll be your critiquer (: No, I haven’t read the previous installments, but the pre-chapter info was really helpful! Anyway, here’s my critique. I did a line-by-line of the preface, since it was short, and which I liked. After that are more general comments.


***

Quote:
It’s funny, how your whole life can change in one second, how everything you know vanishes in front of your eyes.

No comma after “funny”. Part after second comma: everything CAN vanish, no?


Quote:
How one second,

No comma!


Quote:
The word impossible didn’t mean anything anymore.

Highlight “impossible”? Either by quotes (as I just did, lol), italics, or something like that?


Quote:
In this world, there are two creatures, more evolved than humans.

No second comma.


Quote:
They are a secret, told as a legend.

I don’t really understand: “told as a legend”.


Quote:
The Pangbourn family

Period! (:



***

Comments:



-> Periods. My question is: Why do you not use periods? Or full stops, it’s all the same? That’s unacceptable. Unacceptable! I can deal with commas, because commas are tricky little beasts that are hard to get a hang of, but periods? That little dot at the end of every sentence?

Shame on you.

In the preface everything is fine. And then later - WHAM. No periods. I. Shall. Have. No. Mercy. Period. Periods! Use them!!!!!!!!oneoneone11111!!!onehundredeleven!!!111

-> When there are numbers, it’s better to spell them out. It just looks nicer. Unless it’s time, I guess. But mostly spell it out.

-> Dialogue punctuation. I’ll not say a word about periods, but… Yes, they’re needed. But I did say I won’t talk about it anymore, so back to the topic. I’m not to good in the role of someone to explain something (anything, actually xD), but check out some articles on dialogue punctuation. It’s easy, once you get the hang of it, and really makes everything easier for the reader.

-> Triffles and details, just ’cause I love this kind of stuff^^. Mind-speaking (nice touch, by the way) - highlight it. Italics, perhaps? Italics are your friends.


Yes, I do like to rant about those stuff, but only because I know you can do it. And because everything, summed up, counts as much as the contents. I mean, you can have the best story (and I liked yours, I really did), but lack of punctuation can really makes things bad. So, clean that up. If you have any questions, I can always try to help. Try. I’m scared of commas ^_^ (But shhh).

But, your story. As was said, it was interesting, as was the main idea, and very promising. (: Your cast was nice, and I adored the names. I kind of have a thing for “Elizabeth”. Emotion was also portrayed pretty nicely, and the descriptions were awesome.


Cheers,
Esme



I'm tired of books having villains who are just villains for no reason.
— EllieMae