Tag

This is just a short story I wrote a while back. It's not my best, but I still hope it entertains! Reviews welcome.
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“Tag, you’re it,” said Jamie as he tapped me on the shoulder then darted into the backyard. Jamie was younger than I, and actually shorter; he lived in the white house diagonal from us. On Saturday he would usually come over and play tag with my brother, Trevor, and me.
“Hey,” I bellowed in a confident voice as I started to run after Jamie. Jamie was faster than I thought, and he led me on a wild chase through mud and bushes. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Trevor trying to make his way to the tree house that played the role of “home.”If my brother reached “home” he would no longer be able to be tagged until the next round. I reluctantly turned away from Jamie and dashed after Trevor.
Trevor must have known I’d changed direction; he rapidly began to pick up speed. I knew I was fast but nowhere close to how fast Trevor was. I dug the tips of my toes into the ground and sprinted as if my life depended on it. My eyes were fixed on Trevor’s back, If only I could get close enough to tag him, my hands reached towards him as far as they could.
“You’ll never be able to catch me, I’m too fast for you Heather,” Trevor yelled to me, turning his head so he could see me.
“You’re right.” I stopped in my tracks for he was too fast, and I’d never be able to catch him. He stopped to, stunned at my sudden agreement; then he lost interest in my concession and in a flash was almost to the tree house.
I looked around. Where was Jamie? He was nowhere to be found. I could hear laughing from Trevor’s direction, and I looked to the tree house to see him pointing above me. I walked out from under a big tree that until then I hadn’t even realized I was standing under. The large tree had a branch close to the ground that was shaking. I walked around to see. It was Jamie struggling to untangle his jacket from one of the tree’s branches.
He looked at me as if I was supposed to help him down; instead I reached out, tapped him and said, “Tag, you’re it!”
“Hey,” I heard him shout as I ran to the tree house.
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be nice....

“Tag, you’re it,” said Jamie as he tapped me on my shoulder then darted into the backyard. Jamie was younger than I; he lived in the white house diagonal from us. On Saturday he would usually come over and play tag with my brother, Trevor, and me.

in first sentence you say tapped me on my shoulder, change it to tapped me on the shoulder, since you already said me you dont need to say my, it just sounds better. Second sentence you say diagonal from us, but you haven't introduced Trevor yet so it would be: diagonal from me. On Saturdays (make it plural cause its more then one saturday). Maybe change last sentence to: My brother, Trevor, and I would usually play tag with Jamie when he came over on Saturdays. Just a suggestion.

“Hey,” I bellowed in a confident voice as I started to run after Jamie. Jamie was faster than I thought, and he led me on a wild chase through mud and bushes. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Trevor trying to make his way to the tree house that played the role of “home.”If my brother reached “home” he would no longer be able to be tagged until the next round. I reluctantly turned away from Jamie and dashed after Trevor.

run after Jamie. Jamie (change to he) it doesnt sound good to repeat names right next to each other. was faster then I -its me not I cause was faster is the verb phrase.

Trevor must have known I’d changed direction; he rapidly began to pick up speed. I knew I was fast but nowhere close to how fast Trevor was. I dug the tips of my toes into the ground and sprinted as if my life depended on it. My eyes were fixed on Trevor’s back, If only I could get close enough to tag him, I anxiously thought reaching out my right hand as far as it would go.

i'd i think is the contraction for I would it may be I had also but im not sure (double check it) good discription.

“You’ll never be able to catch me, I’m too fast for you Heather,” Trevor yelled to me, turning his head so he could see me.

“You’re right.” I stopped in my tracks for he was too fast, and I’d never be able to catch him. He stopped to, stunned at my sudden agreement; then he lost interest in my concession and in a flash was almost to the tree house.

catch me. (u put a comma) Hey i know its a narrative but you could at least change up the names from when you originally wrote it. -turning his head so he could see me-to- turning his head towards me. stopped to, should be too with 2 Os not 1. concession (nice word)

I looked around. Where was Jamie? I couldn’t spot him anywhere. I could hear laughing from Trevor’s direction, and I looked to the tree house to see Trevor pointing above me. I walked out from under a big tree that until then I hadn’t even realized I was standing under. I examined the large tree and noticed a branch close to the ground shaking. I walked around to see. It was Jamie struggling to untangle his jacket from one of the tree’s branches.

almost every sentece started with I, hez u no better then that! to see what was shifting the branch

He looked at me as if I was supposed to help him down; instead I reached out, tapped him and said, “Tag, you’re it!”

“Hey,” I heard him shout as I ran to the tree house. “Wow,” I thought to myself, “I sure do like playing tag.”

Ok by now im tired like the ending "wow""i sure do like playing tag" thats a little chessey sry. u know u wouldnt actually think that



Yay Im done ok i was a bit more critical but im your friend im suppose to be critical its my job.lol. im not gonna rate it cause I have read better pieces from you.

-jules

Jules:
Thanx for the review I'll edit soon enough!

-Moonlight

P.S. I wrote this in the beginning of the year before we had neat freak specht. Your lucky ur like my bff cause I'm letting u off the hook 4 being so strict.

In_the_Moonlight-
This was short and quick, but easy to understand.
Knowing this is a short story, you could give little descriptions of Heather, Jamie, and Trevor. What do they look like? Oh, and the scenery too. Like, the tree, surroundings, and the white house.
Sorry if this seems harsh. But you do have the potential to make this even better. Use these tips and revise. And this short story will shine and be greater than before.
Anyway, pm me when you post the revised part up. If you edit it. I would like to check it out and well, review.
-Merry

Hi!

I apologize in advance if I'm mean -- I'm not being sadistic. I actually do want to help you.

“Tag, you’re it,” said Jamie as he tapped me on the shoulder then darted into the backyard.

This may not technically be a run-on, but it kind of feels like one when I'm reading it. Especially because it's the first sentence. I suggest you change it to: "Tag, you're it," said Jaimie. He tapped my on the shoulder then darted into the backyard. Doesn't that sound better?

Jamie was younger than I; he lived in the white house diagonal from us.

I'm not sure what you mean by "diagonal from us." It may just be something that people say around where you live, but I've never heard it. *shrug*

“You’ll never be able to catch me, I’m too fast for you Heather,” Trevor yelled to me, turning his head so he could see me.

I think there should be a comma before "Heather."

I walked out from under a big tree that until then I hadn’t even realized I was standing under. I examined the large tree and noticed a branch close to the ground shaking.

You don't need to say "large" in the second sentence, because you said "big" in the first one. We understand that the tree isn't small, so you don't need to repeat it.
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Well, this piece is very short, so I'm not sure there's much I can say about it.

In a way, I like the every-day-ness of it. There's no hidden significance or extended metaphor... it's just a moment in the life of some kids. I like that. But it also makes the piece a bit boring. Nothing happens, really. That's okay... I'm not the kind of person who thinks that there needs to be conflict to make a good story. I think that there can be a story in which nothing at all happens, but if you do that, then there needs to be something else for us to focus on. How about some more description? Describe the surroundings and the emotions.

Overall, I think it's nice. It's childlike, and playful.

I really hope you don't take this too harshly!

PM me if I was unclear about anything or you have questions/comments about my critique.

~Azila~

Thank you everyone! I've tried to edit it, but everytime I check to make sure it changed it hasn't. So I'll keep trying to edit it. Maybe it's just my computer.